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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anxiety, extra house guests and not coping

101 replies

Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:32

Oh my God! I am going out of my mind, seriously! I've posted here before under a different name, but tonight i'm going over the edge. I have two stepchildren, one is a younger teen, the other a young adult. The young adult is very challenging but we manage. He has a full-time job and earns decent money for his age, he drives, is relatively independent but still comes to us five nights a fortnight that includes EOW. We have a small house, with little privacy, we share a bathroom and his bedroom is very close to ours. I have very high levels of anxiety when he's around. I work long hours and when things get too much I stay at work until very late. It's easier that way. He has a new girlfriend (he's had several stay over) and I cannot deal with him and her making out in his room in our house. I've asked his dad to ask him not to allow him to have her stay. Whether you agree with me or not, the girlfriend is 16 and I think they're too young and setting a bad example for my stepdaughter. GFs dad won't allow them to stay at his house either, but DSS's mum does. I have no problem with that, I don't care what people do under their own roof, just what happens under mine.

To cut a long story short, I asked DH what is happening tonight as i'm still at work, he told me that DSS's girlfriend is at ours and staying over tonight. I feel I can't go home.

I can't deal with this. I've asked him repeatedly, my anxiety is through the roof! Sorry i'm rambling as i'm so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:39

I've just asked DH why he's said it's OK and he said he thought I was working late tonight. He didn't ask me, just assumed.

OP posts:
SoWakeUp · 21/05/2018 18:42

In terms of taking immediate action can you meet your DH at a pub close to your house so that you can have a conversation? Talking in the house sounds impossible. I would also say that the girlfriend can't stay this eve.

You need a break from it all, time to breathe and agree a long term plan with regards to your DSS.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/05/2018 18:43

you need your DH to back you up - you really do.

Young adults having sex should live independently - how come he still lives with his parents/step-parents?

KatieKittens · 21/05/2018 18:43

Sorry to hear you are struggling. What is it that makes you feel anxious?

SoWakeUp · 21/05/2018 18:43

And that's the point, he didn't ask you, he assumed. You both need to be on the same page. Does he know how you feel with regards to your space and privacy?

Ansumpasty · 21/05/2018 18:44

By making out you mean kissing? I agree that you should feel comfortable in your own house and you say no sleepovers then your husband should respect that.
Is there a reason you don’t want your step son kissing his girlfriend in your house and why you don’t like him very much?

HolyMountain · 21/05/2018 18:44

Young adult, how old?

PorkyPortia · 21/05/2018 18:44

I think your husband is being disrespectful to you and GFD . Is he afraid he’ll kick off ?

Whattheactualfuckmate · 21/05/2018 18:47

If actuslly send dubs message to turf her out or failing that I’d go in and ask her to leave.

It’s your home. Your ds needs to get his own place.

I think I remember you, why do you let every one walk all over you ?

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:47

Thanks so much for the kind responses. He changes a little when GFs are around, you know a bit show offy. Nothing outrageous, it's the privacy and the noise I find the most difficult. I don't have any space to just relax at home. So much noise.

He can't afford to live on his own or in a shared place, he's quite immature for his age and we live in a rural area. His mum allows it, but she possibly doesn't see it like I do.

DH disagrees wholeheartedly with everything I feel to do with DSS. He literally feels I do no right and DSS can do no wrong.

OP posts:
Whattheactualfuckmate · 21/05/2018 18:47

Send DH **

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:50

I don't go in when they're in his room, but I guess kissing, petting, laying in bed together in underwear, probably having sex. I don't know.

It's not that I don't like him, I'm just extremely uncomfortable in my own home.

He's 18, almost 19. DH not afraid he'll kick off, just afraid he'll be seen as the bad guy.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 21/05/2018 18:51

Tell your DH if he won't tell them then your doing B and B the night's the girl friend stays over.. and let him be alone in a room hearing the goings on and having to play gooseberry in his own home.

Carycach100 · 21/05/2018 18:53

How old is he?

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:54

He's almost 19.

OP posts:
Potatoespotatoes · 21/05/2018 18:57

Feel for you with the anxiety, I'm a sufferer myself, but I think I remember a previous thread of yours - did you post something asking why your DSS still stuck to contact arrangements, and ask when you could reasonably expect him to spend less time at yours and DH's house?

Bananamanfan · 21/05/2018 18:58

Yanbu. She is very young. I remember being that age and having an older boyfriend. I did not enjoy sex, but was totally mute when it came to expressing this. The pressure was immense. I think the gf will be relieved if you ban her.

Afterthestorm · 21/05/2018 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 21/05/2018 19:00

That is so disrespectful, I know on Mumsnet everyone is meant to be 'so cool' about allowing teenagers to have girlfriends to stay but I have made it absolutely clear to my 17 year old DS that there is no way he is bringing girls home to stay the night. If that means he leaves home - so be it.

No way should you have to be listening to anyone having sex in the room next to you.

How long have you been married, perhaps this is the 'deal breaker' for you?

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2018 19:01

Perhaps you should seek treatment for your anxiety or perhaps a divorce, given that you can't actually deal with your dh having children that are growing up? What happens when they get partners, or marry? Are you still going to hide out at work?

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:02

Yes @potatoes it's all related to the female guests he brings home. He's not the easiest on his own, very loud and walks into our bedroom without knocking. He shouted at me a couple of weeks ago because i was naked, I was getting dressed (just out of the shower) for work and he barged in and shouted "what the fuck are you doing, you haven't got any clothes on, blurgh". When I tried to tackle this with his dad, he said I should have got dressed when the kids are over. I was in my own bedroom with the door closed getting ready for work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:05

I can deal with him having children, we've been together since they were fairly small. I just need privacy. It is DSS's home too, but he should be more respectful.

We never have sex when the children are over. Never. I am no prude, but the house is way too small.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 21/05/2018 19:06

Why do you stay?

Get a bolt for your bedroom door for a start.

SoFake · 21/05/2018 19:07

I think this is tricky. If they were making noise then I could understand it a little more but as they are just in their room then I think it’s harder to tell them it’s not acceptable. I think if your partner and your step sons Mum are both ok with it and ok with your step daughter knowing about it then I don’t think you should be concerned.

The problem is more to do with your husband.

I haven’t advanced search but have you posted about your situation a few times before?

SoFake · 21/05/2018 19:09

I think you need a lock for your bedroom door too!

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