Anxiety, extra house guests and not coping

[Secondguessingnow]

Oh my God! I am going out of my mind, seriously! I've posted here before under a different name, but tonight i'm going over the edge. I have two stepchildren, one is a younger teen, the other a young adult. The young adult is very challenging but we manage. He has a full-time job and earns decent money for his age, he drives, is relatively independent but still comes to us five nights a fortnight that includes EOW. We have a small house, with little privacy, we share a bathroom and his bedroom is very close to ours. I have very high levels of anxiety when he's around. I work long hours and when things get too much I stay at work until very late. It's easier that way. He has a new girlfriend (he's had several stay over) and I cannot deal with him and her making out in his room in our house. I've asked his dad to ask him not to allow him to have her stay. Whether you agree with me or not, the girlfriend is 16 and I think they're too young and setting a bad example for my stepdaughter. GFs dad won't allow them to stay at his house either, but DSS's mum does. I have no problem with that, I don't care what people do under their own roof, just what happens under mine.

To cut a long story short, I asked DH what is happening tonight as i'm still at work, he told me that DSS's girlfriend is at ours and staying over tonight. I feel I can't go home.

I can't deal with this. I've asked him repeatedly, my anxiety is through the roof! Sorry i'm rambling as i'm so upset.

@sweetcheeks if you can't see what the problem is why did you comment? If you think this is normal then great, but I am struggling with it.

Op why can’t you leave?
Is it finances?
What is it?
It’s an awful situation to be in.
What are you doing about your anxiety?

Posted too soon.
id be anxious too.

I don't know what your finances are like but could you find a cheap Airbnb nearby where you could stay on the days he stays over? Or stay with relatives on those nights? I know it's far from ideal, but I suppose there's no easy answer if DH says he can stay and doesn't have a problem with gf staying. Or maybe speak to gf and say you're not happy with the situation?

Your stepson behaves like this because your husband enables and encourages utter disrespect towards you.

It won't change, because your husband won't change.

Your DH sounds almost as bad as your DSS, as neither are respecting your right to a bit of privacy in your own home.

And on the selfishness of sitting on the wifi - I'd be severely tempted to change the wifi password, but not let on that I'd done so.

I suspect your anxiety is caused by your husband. Why can't you leave? He is being horribly disrespectful to you, and verbally abusive, going by the fact that for 2 weeks after you tried to do something about his son, he kept shouting at you.

And he's behaving pretty normally for an 18/19 year old.

He really isn't, jamoncrumpets. That's terrible behaviour to expect as standard from a young person.

If your DH expects you to put up with his adult son walking in on you naked and shouting at you you should LTB. Seriously. If that seems too drastic, fit a bolt and only LTB if he doesn't accept that that is the absolute least amount of privacy you can expect in a house with an adult male there 5/14 nights who does not respect you or your privacy.

Your stepson is behaving like a pig. I can’t believe your DH has excused his behaviour towards you. The way he spoke to you was disgusting. You need to put your foot down with DH and SS once and for all.

Where are you now OP, are you back at the house?

This isn't about your step son it is about you, you've posted before essentially asking when you can expect to see the back of him. Except you didn't mention crippling anxiety then, but you got quite a backlash so maybe this angle is meant to prevent that. If you don't go in there how do you even know what they're doing? His dad is fine with it...

I’m sorry OP you have a massive problem with your husband. Your SS is definitely pushing boundaries but it’s your husband who allows this. Unless your husband changes nothing else will. I think you need to start looking at your options.

im really not surprised you have anxiety at the moment.

I bet a lot of it would disappear if you werent having to deal with your husband and his sons bullshit and disrespect

Are you okay OP? How did things go when you went home? Can’t believe a previous poster trying to turn this on you when your SS has acted in the way he has.

Thanks for all the responses. I did go home eventually and when DH and I were almost asleep in bed, in walks DSS for a chat?? I wanted to tell him to do one, DH chatted away. GF stayed the night to my horror, usual situation. Sadly.

If it is too difficult for you to say it to your DH directly, then write him a letter outlining everything you've said here. Also, install a damn lock on the door.

I'd be telling DH he could share a room with his son after that.

Your stepson is pissing all over what he sees as his territory. I would struggle to maintain any kind of marital bond with a man who had so little respect for me and my privacy.

Thanks a letter is a really good idea, maybe for both of them. I think at 18 he should know it's not really ok to walk into the bedroom of a woman who's neither his mum or his wife. As a child it's acceptable but as a young adult not so.

What would happen if DH was asleep but you were awake?

did he knock first?

what would happen if you'd said "do you mind if we chat about this in the morning, I was nearly asleep there "

Op. I may be wrong. But reading between the lines. Do you feel physically threatened by your step son?