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Original poster

Anxiety, extra house guests and not coping

101 replies

Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:32

Oh my God! I am going out of my mind, seriously! I've posted here before under a different name, but tonight i'm going over the edge. I have two stepchildren, one is a younger teen, the other a young adult. The young adult is very challenging but we manage. He has a full-time job and earns decent money for his age, he drives, is relatively independent but still comes to us five nights a fortnight that includes EOW. We have a small house, with little privacy, we share a bathroom and his bedroom is very close to ours. I have very high levels of anxiety when he's around. I work long hours and when things get too much I stay at work until very late. It's easier that way. He has a new girlfriend (he's had several stay over) and I cannot deal with him and her making out in his room in our house. I've asked his dad to ask him not to allow him to have her stay. Whether you agree with me or not, the girlfriend is 16 and I think they're too young and setting a bad example for my stepdaughter. GFs dad won't allow them to stay at his house either, but DSS's mum does. I have no problem with that, I don't care what people do under their own roof, just what happens under mine.

To cut a long story short, I asked DH what is happening tonight as i'm still at work, he told me that DSS's girlfriend is at ours and staying over tonight. I feel I can't go home.

I can't deal with this. I've asked him repeatedly, my anxiety is through the roof! Sorry i'm rambling as i'm so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:10

A bolt is a good idea, i'm not sure DH would like it though. Yes i'm very anxious and i've posted before. I struggle with the family dynamics. We're married but I have no voice in our home, it's the kids way or the highway. I can't up and leave, it's not that easy.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/05/2018 19:18

I remember the previous thread. You have no voice because of your husband not because of the children

NoneOfYourShenanigans · 21/05/2018 19:18

My DS is sixteen and he was desperate for his girlfriend to be allowed to stay the night. I did let her stay over but he always had to sleep in a separate room as, like you, I felt very uncomfortable with younger children in the house. I also felt they were too young themselves. Otherwise, I used to let her stay until 10pm but then she had to go home. Same when he was at her house. Some friends (and her mum!) thought I was being unreasonable but most thought that was perfectly fair. My DH was stricter than me and didn't want them going upstairs at all but we had to compromise to make things work and, despite the odd grumble, it did. Could you not meet halfway, maybe set a curfew or some clear boundaries so that you all understand where you stand? You all have to be happy in your own home.

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:19

I know that. I'm not blaming the children. Does it ever change? Should I suck it up and accept it? I can't just leave.

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 21/05/2018 19:20

Just get a handyman/woman to install a lock with a key in your bedroom door when you are in alone

Don't bother asking your DH, it is your home too

Then hide the key and then lock the door when you want some "me time" or just to get dressed which is perfectly normal thing to be doing in your own bedroom with the door shut - he invades your privacy so you take it back

If you do get a lock installed then you can also use it when you want to be in there with headphones listening yo music to block everyone else and heir noise out

YouTheCat · 21/05/2018 19:21

If your dh doesn't like the idea of a bolt then maybe he should have a strong word with his son about barging into your bedroom.

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:24

@YoutheCat - I wish that would happen. He would never see anything wrong in him. It's actually driving me crazy tonight, I feel a little bit insane.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2018 19:24

Your dss doesn’t sound very nice / respectful. This is your home as well. I can’t believe your husband backed him over barging in the bedroom. If this is the sort of parenting he’s had, no wonder he’s lacking respect. Where are you going to draw the line of this being a deal breaker?

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:28

We are very happy when it's a quiet home. If our step daughter is with us on her own, all is good. When DSS is over, it's usually a fight night, over one thing or another. We have a fairly weak broadband signal and he has up to three devices at one time! He point blank refuses to switch one off so we can use something. Netflix is impossible when he's over. He just argues and argues. Life is pretty hellish. He's been pandered to by his father for too long. I don't know what his mother's parenting is like but I think she'll do anything for a fairly quiet life. I don't think they have the best time either.

OP posts:
scrumples · 21/05/2018 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowagain · 21/05/2018 19:32

He is relatively independent but still comes to us five nights a fortnight that includes EOW.

GaynorGoodwin · 21/05/2018 19:32

You both need to be on board with ground rules. Hubby should be backing you up 100%, it’s just not acceptable at the moment.

snowagain · 21/05/2018 19:32

posted too soon!

What is EOW?

Quartz2208 · 21/05/2018 19:33

He is making you unhappy stressed and anxious in your own home. Why should you accpet that and suck it up

He is using it as being for the children as a way to belittle and control you

GreenTulips · 21/05/2018 19:34

Hasn't the girlfriend got school and exams coming up? Not really in her interests to stay is it?

You need to spell this out loud and clear to your DH.

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:35

I know it's reasonable for him to have a GF. But it's also reasonable for me to ask that she doesn't stay over. Unfortunately I don't get a say. @snowagain - yes that's right. He enjoys his independence, but he comes over on the same nights every fortnight and three nights EOW. It's hard having an adult male in your home who isn't your child or your husband.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/05/2018 19:35

sounds like he walks all over you-why is dh so soft is it guilt?

it needs sorting out he doesnt rule the house

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:37

Yes she has GCSE's this year. There's no way i'd allow it if I was her mum, but her mum doesn't seem to mind. Is this the new way? I must be old fashioned but 16 is very very young to be sleeping with a new boyfriend.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 21/05/2018 19:37

This sounds miserable, why not just check in to a hotel tonight ?
if they even notice, say you can't be arsed with their bollox
They are both, DH & DSS, taking the piss.
YOU exist, your life is as important as theirs.
DSS is old enough to have GF in his room, he is old enough to learn that internet is not his exclusive gift from God.
& He does not walk into your bedroom without knocking, he is not a 4 yr old. this is actually him trying to dominate.

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:37

EOW = every other weekend.

OP posts:
snowagain · 21/05/2018 19:44

Ah ha thanks! Smile

I am sorry you are struggling. Can't offer any advice that others have't already offered, but I hope things get better soon. x

VladmirsPoutine · 21/05/2018 19:47

Haven't you posted this before? Last time you were so anxious you wanted to stay in your car?

CookPassBabtridge · 21/05/2018 19:47

That's shitty. I'm usually more on the step kids side as the stepmum knew what she was getting into and the kids should always be a priority to the dad.
But.. his son is being disrespectful. Walking into your bedroom and complaining you're naked!? Your DH needs to be backing you up here. You are requesting perfectly reasonable things.

DeadGood · 21/05/2018 19:48

Agree you need to get a lock. If your husband asks why I suggest you laugh in his face Grin honestly though I’d make very direct statements like “because DSS walked in on me naked and then swore at me for it. I won’t have that happening again.”

On a cautionary note though OP, mind your language - you refer to your stepson as a houseguest, which he isn’t.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/05/2018 19:48

I see that you have. I suppose the only thing left is to divorce him and leave them all to it. Not sure how else you can rectify it if nothing has worked since you last posted.