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Original poster

Anxiety, extra house guests and not coping

101 replies

Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 18:32

Oh my God! I am going out of my mind, seriously! I've posted here before under a different name, but tonight i'm going over the edge. I have two stepchildren, one is a younger teen, the other a young adult. The young adult is very challenging but we manage. He has a full-time job and earns decent money for his age, he drives, is relatively independent but still comes to us five nights a fortnight that includes EOW. We have a small house, with little privacy, we share a bathroom and his bedroom is very close to ours. I have very high levels of anxiety when he's around. I work long hours and when things get too much I stay at work until very late. It's easier that way. He has a new girlfriend (he's had several stay over) and I cannot deal with him and her making out in his room in our house. I've asked his dad to ask him not to allow him to have her stay. Whether you agree with me or not, the girlfriend is 16 and I think they're too young and setting a bad example for my stepdaughter. GFs dad won't allow them to stay at his house either, but DSS's mum does. I have no problem with that, I don't care what people do under their own roof, just what happens under mine.

To cut a long story short, I asked DH what is happening tonight as i'm still at work, he told me that DSS's girlfriend is at ours and staying over tonight. I feel I can't go home.

I can't deal with this. I've asked him repeatedly, my anxiety is through the roof! Sorry i'm rambling as i'm so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 19:50

No the house guest is the GF not SS. That's not what I meant.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/05/2018 19:55

id move out if iwas so disrespected in my own home. Fuck the lot of them

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 20:05

I really really wish I had the option

OP posts:
Gottalovethesummer · 21/05/2018 20:07

I think the issue is your husband not backing you up. I am flabbergasted that your DH think it's ok for him to barge in to your room. No wonder you feel you have no privacy. What's making it difficult for you to leave? I could not live with a 'DH' who showed me such contempt and lack of respect.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 21/05/2018 20:08

It seems like it all goes back to your husband and his unwillingness to hear your side and support you. If he's disrespectful of what you've done for your stepchildren (and it must've been a fair bit, if you've been in their lives since they were young), that's a big problem!

If stepson wants to live like an adult, it's time he save up for a place of his own. It should be clear that he has a home with you and his father, but he should respect the rules-- including no sleepovers (which seems completely reasonable to me, btw). The issue is that his father has to be on board with those rules.

I hope you're able to sort things out with your husband. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like it will be easy going to get him to see your side.

Oh, and yes, get a lock for your door, whether your irritating husband likes it or not! If stepson walked in on me and making rude comments, I'd be sorely tempted to "accidentally" walk in on him and gf in search of laundry/dishes/whatever. Of course, I'd never have the nerve to do it (and ugh, who knows what you might see), but walking into your bedroom w/o knocking is not remotely acceptable!

Gottalovethesummer · 21/05/2018 20:09

OP, you do have that option. It may not be easy but you do have a free choice. You can get out of this if you want to . Flowers

YouTheCat · 21/05/2018 20:12

Agree. It's not an easy option but it is so liberating.

daffodillament · 21/05/2018 20:15

Jesus ! You need to get some proper bounderies in place fast. He is massively taking advantage of your good push over? nature. It's disgraceful. I would demand some respect and demand that he takes his girlfriends to his mothers house for sex if she's supposedly ok with it. He sounds very immature with his comments when walking in on you naked. He should be ashamed of himself. Where are his manners ? The father should be taking a stand too. How awful to actually not feel you can go home ! Outraged on your behalf.

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 20:17

Thanks so much everyone. It is down to the disagreement DH and I have over GF staying and SS's lack of respect. I know it's wrong. I have been in their life for 10 years and whilst it's not been plain sailing it was so much easier when they were little. SS was always opinionated and strong but it used to be quite endearing.

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 21/05/2018 20:24

So when he was 8/9 did he walk into your room without knocking and you didn't say to him it wasn't the way to behave?

How long between DH split up with his ex and being with you?

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 20:26

What does that matter? But to answer it was two years from his separation to us getting together. I was not the OW. He didn't just walk in at 8. He knocked and waited. His attitude started at about 16.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 21/05/2018 20:35

Why don't you lay down the law in a very heavy manner in your own house, if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to come

SubtitlesOn · 21/05/2018 20:35

I was trying to work it out from different angle, to try to help you with the situation

Original poster
Secondguessingnow · 21/05/2018 20:39

I tried being very assertive once. SS argued and argued and argued, we agreed to leave it in the end. DH and I couldn't speak for almost two weeks, he couldn't talk to me without shouting in anger in disagreement at my point of view. He is so unbelievably protective and yet I'm not threatening his position I just want a peaceful life.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 21/05/2018 20:43

All sounds completely normal. Please see you GP about your anxiety and get some support because this is not normal or ok.

Cataline · 21/05/2018 20:48

He's absolutely taking the piss with the WiFi having 3 devices going whilst knowing it affects the usage of others in the house.
I'd change the password and watch Netflix to my heart's content and let him suffer. Cheeky little fuck.

jamoncrumpets · 21/05/2018 20:49

Your SS considers your home to be his home. And he's behaving pretty normally for an 18/19 year old. If you've known him since he was a child I can't work out why he fills you with so much anxiety now he's an adult. Do you feel threatened by him? Is there anything in your past that might explain that?

daffodillament · 21/05/2018 20:55

All sounds completely normal. No it doesn't. If I had to live in this environment I would be anxious too. Op is being walked all over.

isadoradancing123 · 21/05/2018 20:59

No it certainly does not sound pretty normal, he is an adult

HollowTalk · 21/05/2018 21:00

Can you tell us what stops you leaving, OP? Is it purely the money? I know it's nice when your SS isn't there, but your husband sounds incredibly disrespectful to you. It's hard to believe he yelled at you for being naked in your own bedroom! Is he normally a respectful man?

And I agree with you - I wouldn't want my child to have a 16 year old girl there like that. Her parents must be nuts.

SweetCheeks1980 · 21/05/2018 21:01

I'm not sure what your issue is? Step son is am adult, the gf is not your responsibility and she's at the legal age of consent.

I'm guessing he's not doing her doggy style over the dining table whilst you're trying to watch TV, but in the privacy of his bedroom.

Are you working on your anxiety issues?

daffodillament · 21/05/2018 21:05

hollowtalk My understanding is that the step son barged into bedroom and yelled at op. He is 18. This alone is bad mannered not normal behaviour and I wish posters would stop saying it was ! Grrr

daffodillament · 21/05/2018 21:08

*I'm guessing he's not doing her doggy style over the dining table whilst you're trying to watch TV, but in the privacy of his bedroom.

Are you working on your anxiety issues?*

Yes sweet I'm sure you would be fine if this was you living in a tiny house with paper thin walls. Arrogant SS and his new young bird. Yes nowt wrong or stressfull about it !

HollowTalk · 21/05/2018 21:11

Sorry, yes, the OP did say, "When I tried to tackle this with his dad, he said I should have got dressed when the kids are over." I thought her husband was yelling, too.

daffodillament · 21/05/2018 21:13

The pair of 'em sound like right dickheads.

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