Stepmums intense relationship with my son

[Needanothercat]

I'm a long time lurker but I'm posting to get some perspective/advice.

My dad and step mum have my son to stay one night a week as my step mum looks after him the next day while I am at work (yes, for free, before any one asks this! 😁)

I feel like my step mum crosses a line with her relationship with my son. To give some background on our relationship- we get on great and I consider her my second mum. She worships my son and would do any thing for us both.

What I get upset with is, I get the impression that she sees my son almost like a surrogate son for her (she only has daughters).

She has more clothes for him than he has at home, more toys than at home, she buys him new clothes weekly, follows her own routine with his naps/bedtimes ect, baths with him, sometimes sleeps naked with him (don't know whether I'm being precious about this), all this is fine on its own and I know she adores spoiling him but what irks me most is her constantly, "accidentally" referring herself as Mummy.

She will say "come to mummy.. ohhh I mean nanny" in almost every exchange with him.
I found it funny when he was small as it seemed like she was just used to being the mum to a child and not me, but he's almost 18 months now.
I am even getting a little concerned that when she has him, and I am not there, that she pretends that she is his mum!

Every time I drop him off, it's getting to me more and more and I don't know if I should broach it with her and even how I would go about doing that.

I obviously want her to have an amazing relationship with my son and he loves his grandma so much, but she is his grandma, not his mother and I feel like she is blurring boundaries that I didn't even think I had to put in place.

AIBU in feeling like this?

If not, please can someone give me some advice on how to go about this with her?
I really don't want to upset her or jeopardise my son's relationship with her, but I also don't want to feel so awkward and upset every week.

matchingpjs What a very ironic username you have

He's at an age now where his first memories will be created - do you want him remembering her naked! Any adult except the parents shouldn't be naked around the children, it's inappropriate. Another PP further up mentioned biting the boob being associated with BFing - I hope she hasn't been pretending to! *BOKE

In all serious, some firm boundaries need to be put in place, it's all lovely getting along well and her being so doting, but she's seriously crossing the line - then pissing all over it. I'd be furious with the 'mommy' comments, always doing it is not just slipping up.

Calling yourself "mummy" to a child that isn't yours is not a mere slip of the tongue and I'm surprised by those that say it is. I've never, ever used the term "mummy" to a child that isn't mine because I know I'm not their mummy and the term has therefore never entered my brain whilst interacting with them.

How do you think shes going to take it if you do raise it OP? Have you previously had to tackle things with her that you were uncomfortable about, if so you should have some idea how it will go if you raise it.

From what you say you are fairly certain she isn't trying to be malicious so perhaps she thinks the current set up is far more secure than she realises, perhaps she feels privileged that you trusted her to have your son overnight from such an early age (many parents don't want that support even if it is on offer) she may therefore have developed a special bond with him where she feels she has been like a second mum to him and thinks you are comfortable with it. She may even think you are happy that your son has two maternal figures in his life and has no idea it is making you uncomfortable. As others have said I think you need to talk with her and explain you need to share how you are feeling as you don't want it to create a rift but the 'accidental mummy' references are affecting how you feel about the arrangement. If she wont listen then you know you have a bigger problem.

Sleeping naked with him is just wrong even if she was his real nanna that is just weird and I'd put a stop to that.
The mummy thing is also weird, yo know it's all wrong but you are carrying on cos it's free child care I imagine, I'd look for alternative childcare tbh or your kid will end up fucked up.

Lola, that is really rude and you are in no place to judge whether my child will end up "fucked up". The free child care doesn't make a difference in this. We could afford child care if we had to but I like the fact he spends time with people who love him. Both sets of grandparents have said they would rather have him than him go to a childminder or nursery.

He is not going there this weekend as we have plans but I plan to bring up the Mummy calling the weekend after. Still unsure how.
Middle- I've never needed to have an awkward conversation with her before so I'm unsure how it will go but my bets are on her being upset that she has offended me.

RedDogs I am surprised at that, to be honest. I think a lot of people do it accidentally (not saying OPs stepmum is one of them). As a child I used to call my teachers mummy / daddy by accident on occasion simply because I was most used to saying those names to the adult figures in my life!

As an adult myself I often call my husband daddy when talking to my nephews and nieces - again by mistake, as I'm used to saying 'daddy' when talking to his daughter about him (and she's a similar age to my nephews and nieces).

I still share a bed with my sons now and then if they have a bad dream and the oldest is nearly 11... but certainly not naked. Unless it was skin to skin with a newborn we'd both be wearing something! That sticks out as inappropriate. She sounds very loving though, some grandparents do spoil their grandkids absolutely rotten.

I am not surprised that you are upset that your step mum refers to herself as mummy to your son. I am glad you are going to bring it up with her as you don't like it.

I understand that you are concerned as to how to bring it up and dont' know if anyone else has suggested what you can say but for what it's worth, this is my suggestion :

Step mum: "come with Mummy, Tommy. Oops, I mean Nanny."
You: "Betty, it upsets me when you call yourself Mummy to Tommy."

That is calm, that is clear.

See how she responds. And don't speak until she does. Let her respond.

Don't smile to take away the seriousness of it. You are stating a fact. About your feelings - which are important.

Best of luck

I'd echo a chat. She might not realise she's overstepping - although she should - and is happy she has a grandchild to love. An honest chat might fix it and keep the relationship healthy. If it doesn't then you can switch childcare arrangements

could you say you want to get him into being arund other people,and not just family so want to try some wider people for childcare.even those with other kids there too.
that you want to make sure he knows the family wont always be by his side?
with the naked thing.talk to her or your dad.dont look embaressed or like you not believing in your views and say straight "so I get the impression your sleeping naked with dc.we hve decided we don't want to do that anymore so could you stop too so he doesn't get confued.thanks" no explaination.its your dc ur rules.
on gifts.again say something like your not getting him anymore gift or cutting back.youve noticed or are worried about any spoilt nature so want to teach him the precious value of things.
you getting too much stuff to store etc.
or even honestly say the gifts are too much and are making you feel bad about your own abilites and not being able to give him the same.
be kind.but firm.dont let them have room to see doubt in your views.
I don't know you relationship obviously but id wish in the future id be able to come to mum and dad with this.even if it started a bit upsetting and uncomfortable.it still about being there for eachtoerha dn listening and working together.
make sure you reassure her that you love and appreciate her help.

If it makes you uncomfortable its not working any more. I would find a nice nursery and say it is for his development, make other plans to see them when you are there.

sit down with her in the kitchen two cups of tea.use a hand on hers or hug after.be kind but firm.from what you've said she loves the bones of him and isn't doing anything from anywhere malicious so its just a mixing of views.and things have gotten bit scew wiff.being honest now will only help this situation because the longer it goes on the worse it will be both for behaviour and feeling huts.

In my family the adults are now all mum/Dad aunt/uncle etc so we do get a bit muddled SOMETIMES, usually in what we refer to each other as but I even come out with mummy when I mean aunty my on the rare occasion.

In terms of how you broach sending him to a CM or nursery, could you soften it by saying you think he needs the socialisation or you think that EYFS would be good for him?

I often refer to being our ddogs dm but never about my dgs!!
She is playing house with your dc imo.
And that's not healthy for either of them.

I would make alternative arrangements tbh. Pronto.