Stepmums intense relationship with my son

[Needanothercat]

I'm a long time lurker but I'm posting to get some perspective/advice.

My dad and step mum have my son to stay one night a week as my step mum looks after him the next day while I am at work (yes, for free, before any one asks this! 😁)

I feel like my step mum crosses a line with her relationship with my son. To give some background on our relationship- we get on great and I consider her my second mum. She worships my son and would do any thing for us both.

What I get upset with is, I get the impression that she sees my son almost like a surrogate son for her (she only has daughters).

She has more clothes for him than he has at home, more toys than at home, she buys him new clothes weekly, follows her own routine with his naps/bedtimes ect, baths with him, sometimes sleeps naked with him (don't know whether I'm being precious about this), all this is fine on its own and I know she adores spoiling him but what irks me most is her constantly, "accidentally" referring herself as Mummy.

She will say "come to mummy.. ohhh I mean nanny" in almost every exchange with him.
I found it funny when he was small as it seemed like she was just used to being the mum to a child and not me, but he's almost 18 months now.
I am even getting a little concerned that when she has him, and I am not there, that she pretends that she is his mum!

Every time I drop him off, it's getting to me more and more and I don't know if I should broach it with her and even how I would go about doing that.

I obviously want her to have an amazing relationship with my son and he loves his grandma so much, but she is his grandma, not his mother and I feel like she is blurring boundaries that I didn't even think I had to put in place.

AIBU in feeling like this?

If not, please can someone give me some advice on how to go about this with her?
I really don't want to upset her or jeopardise my son's relationship with her, but I also don't want to feel so awkward and upset every week.

Oh and other childcare was never discussed as SM and in laws begged to look after him when I was still pregnant, so we never needed to. He is a very loved and spoiled little boy.

I think it is reliving being a parent as it's all what we used to do when small, we all shared baths (or bath water! Gross!) And slept naked. It is not that I see this as some safeguarding issue. I would not be asking for advice if I thought that

I'm very close to my gran (my mum's step mum), apparently she was very broody when my mum had me, she has kids from her first marriage as does my grandad but none joint, she's not quite old enough to be my mum's mum and would've been about 41 when I was born. I was her first grandchild for the first two years and am under no false impressions I was doted on. She hugged me at my wedding having made an impromptu speech and whispered that I was always very special to her and her favourite. Now once the other grand kids arrived we were all treated the same, we all adore her, so I can see how a grandparent might get super attached, but the mummy thing is wrong and the naked thing is weird I know nudity is non sexual but still. I'm really not sure what to say OP as she seems good in other ways and isn't deliberately undermining you... It's a tough one but chatting to your dad seems a decent start.

FASH- I see the similarities! He is very special to them both and I have a sneaky suspicion that he would always be the secret favourite. When they visited us in hospital ( he was prem and they cut their holiday short to visit us the moment we have the green light!) She said she felt the rush of love that she felt with her own children. I know she dotes on him and would be heartbroken to think she has upset me

The mummy thing seems your biggest issue and I think you're overthinking the how to bring it up. Just say it!

Please could you refer to yourself as nana/grandma because I'm his mummy. It's confusing for him and upsetting for me.

If it comes from your dad she's not gonna be any less upset than if it comes from you!

Ceebs- you're right, it's me just plucking up the courage to say I feel uncomfortable with it and do it while sparing the most feelings.
I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her to feel she can't have a close relationship with him as he adores her.
I just don't feel like I can bring it up as easy as it like to

I'm a grandmother, and can't tell you how much I adore my grandkids. It's even more special than your own kids, in a really weird way. I think you appreciate how precious the early years are. My 2 DDs that are still at home grumble constantly about the amount of baby stuff and toys we have in the house and that I spoil them all far more than I did them.

I can appreciate you're uncomfortable with the sleeping naked, but if its because he's waking early and she's not wearing nightclothes, I really don't see an issue as he's so young. And she'll soon stop when he starts commenting on it! I think your DS is very lucky to have grandparents who adore him and volunteer to look after him. I'd perhaps quietly say to your dad that it upsets you that she calls herself mummy sometimes by mistake....and could he have a word about it with her? My DH oftens refers to me as mummy with our grandkids as in "ask mummy" and they say "silly grampy she's nanny". I can promise you that your DS will know who his mummy is .

I was prem too and my mum's waters broke at my gran's when my dad was at work so she drove mum to the hospital (got pulled over for speeding on the way, different story), so gran was there when I was born (dad made it too). If it helps we get on brilliantly, but she has very good relationships with all of my cousins and my brother too. She was a nursery teacher so going to her house was brilliant as kids. I don't think she ever did the mummy thing, but was clamouring to babysit whenever my parents wanted, I always had lots of things to do at her house and she'd make time to bake/read with me etc and it's all worked out fine. Maybe just address the mummy thing next time she does it, even make a bit of a thing about putting back on you 'oh I know this is just me being me, but I get a bit emotional when you accidentally refer to yourself as mummy, probably because he's my first!' gets the point across but without being hard on her. The nudity thing is each family to their own to be honest

She really is a fab grandma to him and my dad is brilliant too. There is no question about that.
I like that last suggestion as she really does know I am emotional so I could pull that off. I genuinely would be devastated to hear him call someone else mum and I probably can say that to her easily. I joke and say to him when she says it "Is G trying to steal you again!" Hoping she gets the hint she doesn't...

Cocoa, thanks for your reply! Lovely grandparents.
I do think it is a "silly grampy" thing and worried that I am worrying over nothing but I sometimes feel she really IS trying to steal him!!!

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I can't believe all the suggestions of finding other childcare! You are all close, she adores him, he adores her. Life is good.

You say the only thing you're worried about is the mummy thing, and while I can see it would be a bit irritating, I really doubt it's actually confusing for your son or doing him harm. Adults place a special meaning on the word 'mummy' because of its connotations, but the word doesn't mean anything to a child that young and your step mum calling herself mummy occasionally, or even living out her fantasy of having a son, will have absolutely no effect on how he sees her and how he sees you.
He will feel mummyish feelings towards the person who has brought him into the world, bonded with him and looked after him every day from the start, and no one can take that away from you, no matter what you are called.

So personally I'd just leave it, at least for a few months - I'm sure it will stop soon enough, particularly when he can talk and he calls her by her actual name, or something else cute and made up that she will adore being called even more.

If you're thinking of changing childcare arrangements, I'd look at the social aspect and start to suggest that it's be good for him to go to nursery to meet other children with a view to socialising with more children and perhaps meeting those he might end up going to pre-school/school with.

I agree with the others, find alternative childcare.

I’m close to my sister and typically sleep naked (as does she) but when I babysit my niece I wear at least a t-shirt and knickers as I know ultimately she climbs into bed with me.

Reminds me of Hand that Rocks the Cradle - remember that film where the nanny was secretly breastfeeding the baby? I hope to god she’s not doing any weird breast feeding thing - the biting on the boob is strange. Just say, it feels strange, I want you to have a great relationship but the level is too intense.

You do need to talk to her about this, if you don't it will just continue to fester and gnaw away at you and it will inevitably mar your relationship with her.

You keep saying you don't want to hurt or upset her, but this is hurting, upsetting and making you feel uncomfortable - why are your feelings less worthy of consideration than hers? The answer is they are not.

Your step mum is very much in the wrong here, she knows full well what she is doing, she knows she is not the mother of your son, she is is grandmother/nanny (whatever you call her), she knows she is not your mother doesn't she, she never referred to herself as mummy to you so why is she doing it with your son? It is not just a slip of the tongue it is deliberate and her other behaviour is crossing/blurring boundaries and, again, she knows this. Like you, I wonder why but that's not as important as stopping her do it, if it continues it will become very confusing for your son.

Perhaps you could start the conversation by saying something along the lines of "You know how much I love you and respect you and I know you feel the same about me and that you would never want to intentionally upset me or make me feel uncomfortable BUT I have to tell you that these things you are doing with my son are making me unhappy......." and then list them.

She can be a loving, doting grandparent and help and support you without behaving like she is.

Could you not just take him in the morning instead of him sleeping over. Naked with someone else's child absolutely not ok. As for the going herself mummy it's not an accident if it's happening so often you are getting upset. Don't laugh it off firmly say you mean granny, or whatever your son will or does call her. I would probably just take him away to alternative childcare but totally understand why you don't want to.

Why is he staying over with them so much?

Presumably she is sleeping with him naked if he wakes up in the night not just early morning? I would not be happy with that at all.

It’s far more than the mummy thing and you seem to have backtracked a lot since posters responded to your op.

I would be completely fucked off if my Mother or MIL consistently "accidentally" referred to themselves as my daughter's Mummy.

At 18 Months I think a child is approaching an age where people who get up in the night for them, should have some degree of clothing on. Js...

OP - you're not happy so you have to deal with it.

You need to get a sense of control back - that's what's freaking you out.

So...your routines need enforcing, not ignoring. Get that sorted pronto or you'll have big issues in the future.

Next time she calls herself Mummy say straight away that it needs to stop - its a mistake that happens too frequently. Hard stare.

If you aren't happy with naked sleeping then pick him up in the evenings so he always wakes at home.

If you don't get this sorted you'll be debating all sorts of stuff with them, and frankly your son, in the future. You're Mummy - you are in charge. If it doesn't work - a nursery for socialisation purposes. Don't get into big debates.

She sounds like she is play acting at being his mum when she babysits him....but if she is referring to herself as mummy to him, that is going to get confusing for him as he gets older as obviously you are mum,

Also the sleeping naked is a big red flag, being 18 months doesn't make it ok, she is his step grandmother...she shouldn't be sharing a bed with him or being naked in a bed with him...I mean what about when he's four or five will she still be calling herself mum and sleeping naked with him?..because kids talk and If he tells a teacher that it will raise red flags with them...it's not normal behaviour

It all sounds a bit weird tbh. I wouldn't have slept naked with my own kids other than throwing a boob their direction!!

Maybe stop the overnights? Just say you miss him too much?

My only DGC is 3 yoa and to be honest, for about the first 15 months or so of his life I would occasionally say eg "come to mama" but I would always immediately correct myself and say silly me, I meant come to nanny. And any time he stayed over I'd make sure I had a tshirt handy in case he came into our bed. It just somehow seemed more "proper". As he started to talk he'd sometimes forget who he was talking to and call me mummy but he'd immediately correct himself as of course he knew who his mummy was.
I suppose my point is, your DC will always know you are his mummy but I suspect your DSM is enjoying the intense love a grandparent feels for a grandchild a little too much!
Really, just have a loving word her about how hearing her call herself mummy upsets you. Its possible she just hasnt thought about it from your pov. And if that conversation goes well, say "oh and by the way, it makes us feel a little awkward that you take him into bed while you're naked, silly we know but do you think you could pop on some clothes first". Your baby your rules. (If she has any cop on at all she will know what the ultimate repercussion will be if she doesn't cooperate).
If however she doesn't play ball then you know you have a much bigger problem. Hopefully that won't happen.
Good luck OP.

This is all a bit weird. I'm fine with nakedness and think it's healthy for children to see naked parents if they are comfortable with that. Going to shower/bathe etc fine. But I think in bed maybe crossing a line, particularly as they get older. We adapted as our first grew and often co slept and the way they wriggle and kick it's really not appropriate. I would have a clear line and say that naked grandparents is not ok. I'm not sure why he's there and would need to get in their bed, but no. There are levels of intimacy and I'm not sure any of us would want to remember being between naked grandparents?
But are you sure they were naked as biting a boob, could be through a pyjama top?
Overall I'd have very clear boundaries. She sounds a bit obsessed and that's not healthy.
When my son was 2 he was at his GP's and mentioned mum in law in the bath and I instinctively felt uncomfortable. I said that he'd mentioned it and that we'd rather he wasn't in the bathroom whilst she was in the bath.
Good luck

I think that it’s weird not to be comfortable being naked round your own kids, including sleeping with them.

Very odd. I would be tempted to get a teddy cam or a tiny recorder in the nappy bag.

She is massively crossing the line, Even if she is kind otherwise.

You do realise that all the posters flinging their hands in horror at naked grandparents would say the same to the idea of a naked stepmother? That she shouldn’t have been naked with you as you’re not her child. However you remember it as being normal & natural. So maybe you should take this into consideration. If you now feel uncomfortable because it’s your child, that’s also fine, but I can see why it seems normal to her & she may be surprised at your reaction. Also presumably your father is also naked, but you don’t mention this as an issue?

The mummy/nanny will be self correcting as your son learns to speak. But maybe you could bring it up as ‘are you calling yourself nanny or nanna when he’s with you, as he’ll be learning to speak soon, so we need to be consistent?’ Or even blame the other GPs ie ‘MIL accidentally referred to herself as Mummy the other day & it really upset me, I’d be devastated if DS called anyone except me Mummy, I already feel bad about leaving him....’

She sounds like a lovely stepmum, so I’m sure there is nothing premeditated about this, just slightly blurred boundaries.