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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepmums intense relationship with my son

116 replies

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 21:50

I'm a long time lurker but I'm posting to get some perspective/advice.

My dad and step mum have my son to stay one night a week as my step mum looks after him the next day while I am at work (yes, for free, before any one asks this! 😁)

I feel like my step mum crosses a line with her relationship with my son. To give some background on our relationship- we get on great and I consider her my second mum. She worships my son and would do any thing for us both.

What I get upset with is, I get the impression that she sees my son almost like a surrogate son for her (she only has daughters).

She has more clothes for him than he has at home, more toys than at home, she buys him new clothes weekly, follows her own routine with his naps/bedtimes ect, baths with him, sometimes sleeps naked with him (don't know whether I'm being precious about this), all this is fine on its own and I know she adores spoiling him but what irks me most is her constantly, "accidentally" referring herself as Mummy.

She will say "come to mummy.. ohhh I mean nanny" in almost every exchange with him.
I found it funny when he was small as it seemed like she was just used to being the mum to a child and not me, but he's almost 18 months now.
I am even getting a little concerned that when she has him, and I am not there, that she pretends that she is his mum!

Every time I drop him off, it's getting to me more and more and I don't know if I should broach it with her and even how I would go about doing that.

I obviously want her to have an amazing relationship with my son and he loves his grandma so much, but she is his grandma, not his mother and I feel like she is blurring boundaries that I didn't even think I had to put in place.

AIBU in feeling like this?

If not, please can someone give me some advice on how to go about this with her?
I really don't want to upset her or jeopardise my son's relationship with her, but I also don't want to feel so awkward and upset every week.

OP posts:

Luisa27 · 20/05/2018 22:21

I agree with waterrat - i think it’s a bit much for pp to say get alternative childcare. Your step mum obviously loves you and DS and you her. And it’s one night a week.
But I wouldn’t be comfortable with her sleeping naked with him - how do you know she sleeps naked with him? Did she tell you or did you find out through your dad?
If she volunteered the information and she usually sleeps naked - and DS is used to sleeping in bed with you, so she just pops him in with her at their house too - then it’s a bit more understandable than if he sleeps in his cot at home but not at grandma’s house
The other thing that would ring alarm bells with me is the ‘mummy’ thing - I’d say something like “ oh no -please don’t get him mixed up with the mummy/grandma thing - it’s such a special thing for me to be his mummy - I get quite tearful when you do this - silly of me I know blah blah...but it really upsets me” over and over EVERY time she does it. Maybe you could say something similar re the naked sleepovers too - make it clear it’s not acceptable to you.

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:22

I do feel like stopping childcare with no conversation is not the right step as she would be so hurt to know she had upset me or jeopardised either relationship.
We have a brilliant relationship and are such a close family with few boundaries really so I guess that's why they are so blurred in this situation. She adores my son and I have no concerns that there is anything untoward, I just think she is reliving bein a parent to him

OP posts:

Luisa27 · 20/05/2018 22:22

Ah - just read your last post OP. That wouldn’t bother me - if he was in with them for a cuddle in the morning and they did they with you too

Prestonsflowers · 20/05/2018 22:23

Why don’t you just tell you don’t like the way she behaves with your son.
You’ve said she is like a second mum to you so it should be quite easy.
By the way it’s cwtch

LexieLulu · 20/05/2018 22:23

If you don't raise it with your SM how will she ever change?

It's just going to annoy you until you stop their relationship.

I think it would be best to have a chat rather than do that..

TheBogWitchIsBack · 20/05/2018 22:24

Sleeping naked with him would be crossing the line for me.
The toys and clothes I couldn't care less but sleeping naked and 'accidentally' referring to herself as mummy would suggest some serious issues with boundaries.

LovingLola · 20/05/2018 22:25

If she is as brilliant and reasonable and fantastic as you seem to think she is then why are you finding it so difficult to simply tell her that you are not happy with what she is doing?

Luisa27 · 20/05/2018 22:25

I actually think she sounds really lovely, and very like my mum! My 4 are spoiled rotten and they have so many clothes and toys there too! 😂
I’d just say about the mummy thing and I’m sure she’ll get the hint

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:26

God no, it's not naked sleepovers with grandma.
He sleeps in a different room in his cot and when he wakes early, they all get in bed for a cuddle. Absolutely fine with this and he does it at home and I did it as a child.
She told me he bit her boob when she was dozing back off one morning. Plus I know she doesn't wear pjs to bed as thats just a fact I know about her. We really are a super close family and I really really want to do my utmost not to upset her as she is like my mother

OP posts:

Marcipex · 20/05/2018 22:27

Arrange other childcare. Telling her she is crossing boundaries won't change her, as she already knows this.

CertainHalfDesertedStreets · 20/05/2018 22:29

Needanothercat I think you need to talk to her gently.

I think the nakedness and bathing in your post are ringing all kinds of alarm bells for people which really don't seem to be there for you because clearly you're quite a no-clothes kind of family. We are too so I can see why it's perhaps less of an issue for you than it might be for other posters.
Taking him away from his much loved grandma and putting him in a nursery setting would probably not be the best thing for him at 18 months. Not great for his attachment - given that you are otherwise happy with the arrangement and you clearly don't feel that she is any way a threat to him.

But if you talk to her and tell her it's getting you down a bit and worrying you surely you can solve it between you?

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:31

I'm finding it so difficult as I don't want to upset her. And knowing she has offended me will upset her and she will be forever kicking herself if she knew she had made me feel like this. I dont want to upset my family and wanted to see if another perspective could offer me some insight on how to broach rhe subject to her.
It's a sensitive subject to me and her as it involves a little boy who we both love dearly.
I may find it a little harder to broach than my own mother as we haven't always had a great relationship and I don't want to go back to that. She does a lot for me and my son and I know she loves us

Gosh in the grand scheme and in response to my situation, does it matter if I spell it cutch..

OP posts:

Mammalamb · 20/05/2018 22:31

New childcare needed!!! Absolutely no sleeping naked with kids who are not your own! We don’t even sleep naked with our own child in the bed!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 20/05/2018 22:31

I think PPs have got a bit distracted by the naked thing. Both my parents slept naked (my DDad is dead now, but DM still does). Neither of them ever owned nightwear.

So when the GC stayed over, there were naked caregivers if anyone had to get up in the night/cuddles in the morning.

I don't think this is a big deal.

The "mummy" thing, I think, IS. Good luck with tackling that one. I think a chat with your DF is a good idea.

waterrat · 20/05/2018 22:31

OP - if you want to change the situation you will have to risk her being upset. We are often so scared of upsetting people we care about that we aren't honest - but that is just going to eat you up.

I think you should sit with her and say 'oh gosh I hope you don't mind me saying this but I have noticed you keep calling yourself mummy, I really don't want him getting confused could you please try really hard not to do that'

She will know that it has bothered you - but you have been polite about it.

alternatively you could say to your dad - look, she keeps doing this and it's bothering me could you point it out to her ....

the naked thing doesn't actually sound that bad when you describe it properly.

CaptainCabinets · 20/05/2018 22:34

Would it bother you this much if she was your Mum rather than your Stepmum?

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:37

I will bring this up, possibly with my dad but I want to find he most tactful way of dealing with it which spares the most feelings.
The nakedness wasn't explained properly from the beginning I admit, and I don't mind them seeing to him in the night in the buff, but I would feel more comfortable if she popped a vest on for morning cuddles.
That level of 'comfortable-ness' is for immediate family in my opinion.

OP posts:

Marcipex · 20/05/2018 22:39

Okay, scrap the naked in bed thing.

That leaves bathing together ... totally unnecessary. And calling herself mummy....not on.
And if you ask her not to, how will you know? Do you know why she does these things? nDoes she have children herself?

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:39

It would bother me equally if it was my mother. She comes with her own bag of issues and would undermine my choice of disciple given half the chance but I would also be more vocal in saying with her, as I feel our relationship is possibly less conditional.

OP posts:

ILikeMyChickenFried · 20/05/2018 22:39

Sleeping naked seems a bit odd. I often bathe with my preschool aged children but I wouldn't sleep naked with them and I wouldn't want anyone other than DH or me bathing with them either.

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:40

That's the crux though, I don't know why she does it.
She has two grown up children, my younger siblings, but this is the first grandchild.
It's not like she yearned for a boy or even another child. I don't know why she is like it. She never referred herself as Mummy to me when I was small, that I remember any way

OP posts:

Fflamingo · 20/05/2018 22:41

It is mainly the mummy thing- deal with that first. Asking her to change one thing isn’t hard. The naked sleeping, well if he is used to you parents naked I wouldn’t worry or not when he is little. Maybe say you are unhappy with it when he is older.
Won’t he go th nursery and then you won’t need DSM to childminder?

VerbenaBoriensis · 20/05/2018 22:45

Think the bathing a bit odd -not sure about her being naked in bed but she been open about it. Think u hit the nail on the head OP thats she's reliving being a mother. Maybe say to her that yr DS us getting confused about calling her mummy too and that her title or being a gm/nan is special and a shame for him not to use?

Original poster

Needanothercat · 20/05/2018 22:45

The mummy thing is my main issue.
Nakedness I don't want happening but I don't see any threat there other than it makes me uncomfortable. I see no issue with me and his dad being nakey when he is with us. That's how I was raised and I had no problem with it.
The routine issue I could let go, if I didn't feel like it was a small way of her inserting her parenting on him.

How I broach this is really causing me heartache as this is my family whom I love, my son loves and who love us!

OP posts:

ExecutiveDiamondBossBabeHun · 20/05/2018 22:46

I wouldn't be too bothered by the sleeping naked thing but the calling herself mummy has to stop! I think it's lovely you have such a bond with her and your son does too but you have to tell her honestly that she's overatepping. I'm sure there are ways you can approach this that are diplomatic but you need to speak to her and give her a chance to improve before you do anything drastic.

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