Stepmums intense relationship with my son

[Needanothercat]

I'm a long time lurker but I'm posting to get some perspective/advice.

My dad and step mum have my son to stay one night a week as my step mum looks after him the next day while I am at work (yes, for free, before any one asks this! 😁)

I feel like my step mum crosses a line with her relationship with my son. To give some background on our relationship- we get on great and I consider her my second mum. She worships my son and would do any thing for us both.

What I get upset with is, I get the impression that she sees my son almost like a surrogate son for her (she only has daughters).

She has more clothes for him than he has at home, more toys than at home, she buys him new clothes weekly, follows her own routine with his naps/bedtimes ect, baths with him, sometimes sleeps naked with him (don't know whether I'm being precious about this), all this is fine on its own and I know she adores spoiling him but what irks me most is her constantly, "accidentally" referring herself as Mummy.

She will say "come to mummy.. ohhh I mean nanny" in almost every exchange with him.
I found it funny when he was small as it seemed like she was just used to being the mum to a child and not me, but he's almost 18 months now.
I am even getting a little concerned that when she has him, and I am not there, that she pretends that she is his mum!

Every time I drop him off, it's getting to me more and more and I don't know if I should broach it with her and even how I would go about doing that.

I obviously want her to have an amazing relationship with my son and he loves his grandma so much, but she is his grandma, not his mother and I feel like she is blurring boundaries that I didn't even think I had to put in place.

AIBU in feeling like this?

If not, please can someone give me some advice on how to go about this with her?
I really don't want to upset her or jeopardise my son's relationship with her, but I also don't want to feel so awkward and upset every week.

I don’t think other childcare would provide what he is obviously getting at your step Mums. A lot of love. So 8mportant for him.
The getting into bed with them in the morning is not really an issue for me or you I don’t think but perhaps you should say,
“ now he is getting a bit older, we are wearing our jamas when he gets in with us in the morning” even if you’re not, just to get the message across.
The accidental Mummy thing is a bit scary. Does he usually call her nanny? I think you said this further up thread. I think if she does it again just correct her, pick your son up and say. “ silly nana. I’m you’re Mummy aren’t I?” Or Something like that. Refer to her as Nanna always to your son. He will be verbal in a bit and calling her that himself which might sort it out. If not that’s a good reason for a friendly conversation about not making him confused.
The clothes and toys not an issue. I think it’s lovely

Hey op

In terms of broaching the topic if self is turn the situation. For example over tea mentioned how you are worried he doesn't realise yet the difference between mummy and nanny when you spoke to other kids mum's at nursery or friends etc mentioned how odd it was and not normal for him to be calling multiple people mummy and you are thinking of speaking with the doctors about perhaps getting him checked for underlying conditions as you don't feel special not being the only one being called mummy when that should be the case. Maybe that would indirectly push her to stop him from referring her self as mummy.

That way you are not attacking her directly but she would think twice. She doesn't want your son to be followed by doctors and am sure she doesn't want you to feel none special.

The key is to say multiple people he refers to as mummy so that she doesn't feel completely singled out.

Gosh I've just made a huge cover up for you loll

Agree with other posters you need new child care as she is fully aware of what she is doing knowing you’re a pushover so she’ll get away with it.
You need to toughen up and stand up for son now. Other things will happen as he gets older are you prepared to be a doormat all his life in case you upset a passive aggressive manipulative adult? If you don’t you’re basically putting your sm above your son who will in time learn sm is the one in control not you.

Please talk to them. Try and have an honest conversation, say it's maybe your issue, but some things you are uncomfortable with. And that you worry what an outsider would think. That the world has changed and you're concerned for them too.

My MIL and her husband are very comfortable naked. To be honest I have no idea if they sleep naked. TMI. But they definitely co slept with my DDs. They have no bath so he showered naked with the girls and while it didn't make me confortable I decided it was my issue. Not very MN correct no doubt.

There was also too much bribing for kisses too IMO. But they are fab grandparents who also save to take them to great places. My DDs are now 12&13 and all the stuff I didn't like has stopped.

My PILS allowed me to continue to work and would pick them up at a minutes notice if DDs were ill. But would only really have them at their house. They also didn't want me there and to be honest nor did the kids. They had their routines.

And they took my side through all the legal battles with my ex.

Then don't send him away overnight.

You have decided she was naked because she received a bite on the boob? Could the bite not have been through a thin t-shirt / nightdress? How many times have you actually heard her say mummy? How old is her youngest? I often get my kids names mixed up let alone what I call myself lol

Maybe you’re jealous of the fact that they have a lovely relationship? They are doing something that is fantastic for you, cost aside your child is enjoying the live and care of family.

Why are people so quick to co wider normal behaviour as inappropriate it saddens me to think that we should all live our lives considering our every move in case people read sick motives into everything!!

Where is ur dad? Was he in bed at the same time? Was he naked? Is that ok because he has a biological connection so he is less likely to abuse your son?

Just sad really but may be this is because I have no support in the way you do as my dh parent have both passed away and my mother is now severely disabled and my dad her sole career. Be greatful not suspicious, thankful not jealous x

Id start by saying something like:
"I really hope you understand where I'm coming from here, please don't take this as an attack and please don't let this damage our relationship, but I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable that you refer to yourself as mummy." And go from there. Drop in the naked thing in a jokey way if you can.

My in laws are great, get on ok with them. But... they don't respect our rules and never ever say no to DS (which drives me banana-bonkers!) so we don't use them for regular childcare.

We say he needs to learn to be around other children and in a classroom environment so Nursery it is, he started at the Nursery / daycare from 1 year old.

None of the grandparents liked it, they expected us to ask them but he absolutely LOVED it and it's done him the world of good to be socialised regularly from young.

Oh and I've accidentally said come to mummy once or twice to my nieces / nephews but immediately corrected myself.
A slip up is just that, doing it regularly is not ok.

And the sleeping naked thing, well... 😡

My own mother wouldn't sleep naked with my son never mind a step mum.There is no reason why she can't put pjs on when he stays and she knows he'll probably wake.Weird af

I would not be happy with the mummy thing and the fact she changes his routines. She is playing 'mummy/dollies' for the day. She may have felt that same rush of love as she did for her daighters but he is NOT her child as she shouldn't behave as though he is.

Every update, you you have stated that you don't want to hurt her feelings but she is hurting your feelings and undermining you. It's insulting to keep calling herself mummy in front of you and is she correcting herself when she us alone with your son - doubtful. Why would ahe change his routines? I would stop the overnights for the time being. Have a word with your Dad. Remind him - she has had her children. Would she have liked the 'mummy' thing when she was a first time parent?

I would just say that your your ds keeps calling your dh mummy or mama, and you think he is getting confused over whose name is who while he is learning to talk. So ask them to repeat their names while looking after him ("give the ball to Grandma" etc) as a guise of helping your ds with his talking.
Hopefully she will get the hint that it is confusing to ds about her saying the wrong name to him (and stop calling herself mummy- I would hate that!).

I am a gm. No way would l ever have had gd in bed with me while naked. Or ever have a bath with her. Surely in this day and age when there is so much talk of boundaries and doing things right she is bonkers to leave herself in that situation. Talk to your dad. Say you do not want to upset her but no bathing with toddler. Hopefully that will make them more aware of boundaries and stop the naked in bed stuff.

Before you find alternative childcare, I think you need to have an honest conversation with her and explain your concerns and set your boundaries. Give her a chance to change, before finding someone else.

I don’t think buying clothes etc is so bad, but the mummy thing and sleeping naked is. I also think having a slightly different routine is okay as well,. However pretending to be mum is wrong.

I think the mummy thing is the least of your problems really.

As your thread title says, all the behaviours are adding up to this ‘intense’ relationship with your son which is over the top and inappropriate.

Are you comfortable with him staying with them so much? Can you drop the sleepovers?

Reading this thread with mounting horror. I sometimes wear PJ's but, due to getting v hot at night they are often off in the morning ( though have knickers on). When I get up I put them on again but if little 4 year old GS comes in to my room in the morning I don't jump up to put them on before I'm getting up. Gosh so now that's 'inappropriate'? Just why? It's not sexual, I'm naked because I'm hot in PJ's and I'm still in bed. GS will often bring his books in to me and we sit and read for a while, it's never ever crossed my mind until reading this that there are a whole host of people who think that nakedness equates to sexuality. An 18 month baby won't even notice what a person is or isn't wearing. My 4 year old GS hasn't once made any comments. Of course I wouldn't expect parents or GP's to be naked around a 10 year old who will be sexually aware but, bloody hell.....a baby??
As for the Mummy and nanny thing that sounds like a wind up. Call her out on it

Most of the things you have said regarding toys, clothes, routine etc I would be fine with. I have always had the look that if someone is looking after your child (for free) then they need to find a routine that works for them and do there own thing aslong as the child is happy, clean and fed then I’m happy with that.

I wouldn’t be fine with the nakedness or calling herself mum.

Can’t you just have a gentle word with your dad ?

I'll try answer a few things before I start work.

My dad gets up for work early so is generally getting up when he wakes. I know not always but it makes me uncomfortable too but almost less so as I know he doesn't have this intense relationship with my son.

My son started staying over as I suffered with PND and he was a bad sleeper so they offered to give me a break.
I like that he has that weekly thing to look forward to as I liked it with my own grandparents but I could easily drop him off in the mornings instead, however that only addresses my lesser issues.

I always hear her correcting herself but I wonder that she corrects herself less when I am not there.

I am not jealous of their relationship, my son and I have a fantastic bond and I am very happy with our own relationship. I know he knows I'm his mother and would always come to me if upset or hurt as he has done when we are at their house. He has a great relationship with all grandparents.

I don't for one second think she has sinister motives with him. I just think she did it with us as kids and doesn't seem to think there is a difference.

I think that it’s weird not to be comfortable being naked round your own kids, including sleeping with them.

Yeah but this is AIBU. OP needs a nanny cam in the change bag.

matchingpjs it is more surprising to me that it has ‘never ever occurred to you’ to put a top on when reading to your four year old grandchild. Why do you need to be naked?

I don't really think it's appropriate for her to have done this when you were children either, that might just be me though as I wasn't brought up like that but lots of people are. I agree the calling herself mummy so much is strange, do you think she does that when your not there and this is the reason for her letting it slip in front of you? I am a childminder and I do every now and then say "oh let mum get that for you" and things like that but then I always correct myself, and my children are still young and they are around a lot when my minded children are here so probably why it slips out, aldo every small child i have shouts mum at me when they first start talking haha and then they learn my name as they get older.
It's a hard one, you don't want to upset them as you are obviously very close.

Wellhellooo I don't know if I 'need' to be naked, I just usually happen to just be wearing underwear first thing in the morning. I had honestly never given it a thought as, in my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it whatsoever and I do wonder about the past experiences of people who would think otherwise. The word 'appropriate' is very subjective though, clearly.

Op reading through you seem very happy with your sm and dad caring for your ds. I wonder if you are a little jealous inside and not wanting to admit it. I know I would be in the same circumstances - I have been as mil doted on my eldest and was exactly the same.

I would have quiet chat with your dad and explain u understand sm making mistake of saying mummy but it is really getting to you. If also write his routine down for ds and ask them to stick to it

OP please do t talk to your dad, it will just blow this up out of proportion
Just correct her EVERY SINGLE TIME
The rest is ..meh... leave it, you will do so much damage otherwise

DONT ! Not do!