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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts on a 19 year old never having spent a night away from home

86 replies

NoOutsiders · 20/05/2018 12:11

What would you think about a 19 year old who had never spent a night away from home? Would it be a concern for you?

OP posts:
Waitingonasmiley42 · 20/05/2018 12:13

Depends on the reasons why.

Sparklesocks · 20/05/2018 12:13

I would be slightly curious - have they never had a sleepover at a friends? Or go on a school trip?
I suppose i would be slightly concerned that they had anxiety and weren’t able to stay away from their family home? But it really depends on how they feel about it and if they’re happy.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 20/05/2018 12:13

No it wouldn't be a concern.

It wouldn't really occur to me to think anything other than 'Oh, ok'.

Justwaitingforaline · 20/05/2018 12:14

It’s a bit strange, IMO. Why haven’t they ever been to a sleepover with friends/residential trip or at GP’s if that’s an option??

Lucked · 20/05/2018 12:15

It is unusual. I lived at home at university but had plenty of sleepovers at school and from 17 I was travelling to see bands and then holidays with friends.

How come?

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 20/05/2018 12:15

(that is assuming it is the only think that could be construed as an issue, if there were other things that could be perceived as a concern, then it would be different)

NapQueen · 20/05/2018 12:15

Id say the parents have failed to prepare the 19yo for adulthood.

Sn excepting.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/05/2018 12:16

I would be surprised they had never stayed away in holidays, grandparents, sleepovers, school trips, clubs, work etc.

Concerned would depend on the circumstances of my contact with them and the reasons they had never stayed away from home.

immortalmarble · 20/05/2018 12:16

Boys don’t tend to do sleepovers much IME, and not everyone has grandparents.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 20/05/2018 12:17

I would say the same NapQueen.

If he was heading to university I would be very very concerned. Again SN excepting.

ChickenOrEgg6 · 20/05/2018 12:18

Depends on the 19 year old I guess...
I didn't go on sleepovers really as I was a late bedwetter, and by the time I grew out of it (14ish) sleepovers just weren't really a thing anymore - not for me anyhow. And I can easily see that if they don't have a BF/GF then they have no need to sleep elsewhere. Maybe they're studying or working to save a deposit etc. perfectly normal

Tartyflette · 20/05/2018 12:20

It's slightly unusual. Boy or girl?
but DS went off on his first residential in year 6 without a backward glance Grin

WeAllHaveWings · 20/05/2018 12:23

Boys don’t tend to do sleepovers much IME

Ds(14) and most of his friends, from around age 9, sleepover at least a couple of times a month and much more in the holidays. From what I hear from other mums at football and clubs its popular with them too.

Knitjob · 20/05/2018 12:26

If my 19yo had had lots of chances to stay away and refused them all that would be a bit of a concern to me. I would want to understand why and see if there was anything stopping him.

Mine regularly stay with family but I guess not everyone has that option.
They first went on BB camp aged 7, they went on a week residential with school aged 10. Sleepovers with friends not so much. But the older 2 had each other to go with so it was easy for them, and the youngest just followed along when his turn came.
All kids are different and that's fine, but if he was mine I would definitely want to know if there was anything in particular stopping him.

theplanetjanet · 20/05/2018 12:26

Have they got SEN or MH issues? Have they got friends? Is it an odd family or a very religious one? What about sleepovers and residential school trips etc? If they don't have SEN or MH issues then it would seem odd but without any background or information about the person involved then it is impossible to judge, presumably something is problematic for that to be the case though?

I'd disagree with the 'boys don't do sleepovers' statement upthread though. I've got two boys and the sleepovers and requests for sleepovers have been relentless since about age 6 for both of them, as a teen they do so most weekends & I have an endless amount of kids friends here all the time - we've got 3 extra single mattresses and a ton of bedding especially for that!

Starlight2345 · 20/05/2018 12:28

I would probably know why if I was close enough to know this information

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 20/05/2018 12:29

Did you post this before OP?

immortalmarble · 20/05/2018 12:31

That’s why I said IME Smile

Original poster
NoOutsiders · 20/05/2018 12:32

My mum has never encouraged me to go on residential school trips or spend the night away from home. She hasn't discouraged me either, but I'm not the most extroverted, outgoing person so I've never been really really keen to go. I was never really invited to sleepovers, my friends didn't really seem to do them.

I'm worried that I'm really behind and not independent enough. I used to sleep over at my dad's house some weekends when I was at primary school, but I stopped wanting to do that when I was about 9. I have tried it since, at about 12, but I ended up missing home too much and asked to be taken home. I had to stay with my grandparents for one night when I was sixteen as my mum and brother were in hospital, and I really didn't want to do it. I cried in the car on the way there but when I was in bed and realised I would see my mum again in the morning, it wasn't so bad.

I'm worried that I'm going to really struggle leaving home and I don't want to be dependent on my mum. I just get really anxious at the idea of spending the night away from her. I feel stupid for it but I can't help it

OP posts:
Lucisky · 20/05/2018 12:32

Has this person never even been away on holiday with the family? Even if it is a mh issue, I think that is very sad and unusual.

lhastingsmua · 20/05/2018 12:33

Not a concern but strange. Do they not have a close friendship group?

At that age I slept over at my friend’s houses A LOT, at my boyfriend’s (he came over to mine too) and had already moved out for university at 18. I would have thought that people that stayed at home would have visited their friends that did move out for uni too (my friends would visit me). I would also go on holiday with my friends for like a cheap weekend trip away in Paris/Amsterdam etc or even just visiting different cities in the uk and going clubbing.

Really that sort of age is where you can still spend a lot of your time with your friends, that super social phase before you become an ‘adult adult’ where everyone works full time with bills and responsibilities and it’s difficult arranging plans

EllenJanethickerknickers · 20/05/2018 12:34

Are they particularly anxious? There were some DC at school with mine who chose not to do the residential etc and didn't enjoy play dates let alone sleepovers but I'd be concerned if that had been continued at age 19. My DS2 has SN but has been on lots of school trips and even a couple of sleepovers when he was 8 or 9. But he's obviously not anxious about it.

Oblomov18 · 20/05/2018 12:35

Yes, I would think it was odd, and your next post is even more worrying.

BakedBeans47 · 20/05/2018 12:36

Doesn’t sound like your mum has done you any favours really. Does she never go on holiday? I still lived at home at 19 but my parents went on holiday on their own by that time.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 20/05/2018 12:36

Cross post with you. So you do suffer with anxiety about it. Is there anything else that makes you anxious or just this? Are you OK on holiday with your mum?