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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thoughts on a 19 year old never having spent a night away from home

86 replies

NoOutsiders · 20/05/2018 12:11

What would you think about a 19 year old who had never spent a night away from home? Would it be a concern for you?

OP posts:

Badbadbunny · 20/05/2018 14:52

My first night away from home/family was at aged 22 for a weekend works training course.

No particular reason I'd not done it before, no special needs, no anxiety, it's just how things turned out. None of my close friends did sleepovers nor go to all night parties/raves etc so it was never really "a thing" for me.

That first time didn't cause me any issues - I'd been away with parents often enough, so I knew what I needed to pack, checking in/out procedures, etc. I can't remember giving it much thought really - no anxiety, no problems, etc. Not sure what the fuss is about.

BlankTimes · 20/05/2018 16:00

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's what you think that counts.

Is there a small Bed and Breakfast or Travelodge or Premier Inn within easy travelling distance of home? If so, book yourself in for one night. Eat before you go. See how easy it is, take books or kindle to read, tablet/laptop and headphones to use however you do at your home. Pre-arrange with your Mum to text and let her know you have arrived safely and are in your room, then text goodnight at bedtime, then text hello in the morning, then go home.

ArtBrut · 20/05/2018 16:09

OP, it's good that you recognise it as an issue that will hold you back at a stage in your life when the world is your oyster. My first cousin felt as you do when we were younger, and had literally never spent a night away from her mother until she had to accompany her boss to some trade fair for two nights, aged 21 -- she phoned her mother in hysterics the first night, and had to be sent home the following day. It held her back for a long time, and really curtailed her life choices.

Do act on some suggestions from the thread. Good luck.

LooseyInTheSky · 20/05/2018 16:14

What is your dating life like OP? Is staying over with a boyfriend/girlfriend totally out of the question?

Original poster

NoOutsiders · 20/05/2018 16:36

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I'm not sure that my anxiety surrounding staying somewhere by myself is to do with the hospital - I've felt like this for as long as I can remember, even before that.

The thing is that I'm not actually sure if I would still struggle with it, because I haven't actually tried it since that time. I feel like a lot of my anxiety around it is also to do with how my mum would feel if I stayed over somewhere. I know she would miss me a lot and she would worry about me and that makes me worry too. I don't have many relatives and we are quite a small, insular family, so I think my mum relies on me quite a lot.

I was thinking of trying to go and stay with my friend, but that would be two hours away. I trust her and she knows how I feel about it and I wouldn't mind her seeing me upset. I have been on holiday before several times, and that's been fine, but that's because it's been with my mum. There is an event over a weekend that I would quite like to go to in the summer so maybe I could work towards that?

OP posts:

GinUnicorn · 20/05/2018 16:40

Op your mum preaumeably lived by herself before you. She will be okay.

When my parents divorced and I left for uni I felt really worried my mother would be sitting alone sad and miserable. In fact she met a new group of friends was off at the pub most nights and married one of them!

In the nicest possible way you aren't responsible for your mums happiness and I am sure she wouldn't want you to feel trapped. It will be okay

Sparklesocks · 20/05/2018 16:46

Go for it OP, sounds like you have achievable goals and I think it’s a really positive step to work towards them.

I am slightly concerned about your attitude to your mum’s reaction though, when you say she will miss you and worry about you - has she given you reason to think that? Does she worry about you a lot? Or is it a general fear you have? Parents are supposed to encourage and support their DC to become independent and self sufficient adults, she should be supporting you to become independent and take these steps.

Fireinthehold · 20/05/2018 16:47

I don't think it would be a massive concern to me to be honest. Everybody is different. Life isn't a race. Definitely try staying with your friend and then slowly build it up. Talk to your mum about how you feel and try to work together to improve the situation for you both. It is lovely to have such a strong family unit and you should all draw strength from that support base. Good luck

ILoveDolly · 20/05/2018 16:53

I think that, given what you posted before, you just need to give yourself some positive experiences of being away. Both you and your mum will be able to gradually get used to it if you do a night away here and there, then maybe longer when appropriate. It is only right at your age that you get used to being away from your mum because no matter how well intentioned her care of you, you can't be completely your adult self if she never leaves your side. You need times apart, and it will actually do you both some good to get habituated to that rather than the current situation.

ZaZathecat · 20/05/2018 16:55

As a mum of grown up teens I'd say yes she'll miss you, but she really wouldn't want you to not have a life of your own where you can spend time away as and when you please. We know we have to let go.

LemonysSnicket · 20/05/2018 18:25

Weird. I would wonder why,tbh.

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