Thoughts on a 19 year old never having spent a night away from home

[NoOutsiders]

What would you think about a 19 year old who had never spent a night away from home? Would it be a concern for you?

Do not worry too much. My dd was nearly 17. She just likes him me. Likes sleep. She didn’t want to be up all night and uncomfortable and tired. She just hated it. Did a few when really young sort of 6 to 8 but cried and came home or slept with her friends granny lol 🙄
But she managed NCS 4 nights away 2weeks running and now is fine
Just th8nk of somewhere or someone you do feel safe and happy with and give it a go

Yes I think your mother should have made sure you got practice socialising growing up and spending time away from home. Part of the job of the parent is to teach children independence.

You can take charge of the situation now as an adult and do the work yourself.

Are you at uni already?

That’s reminded me @BertieBotts that actually dd did sleep away aged 11/12 yr 7 - she dealt with it by staying awake until 5am 🙄🙄

@NoOutsiders

Do you have any close girlfriends? If you do, call one and ask if they fancy a night away in a hotel spa. You'll have a lovely day, and can use the pool and sauna, get a spa treatment then have a night with some drinks and food and stay over at the spa. It won't seem so huge once you've been there for the afternoon and you're with your friend.

It sounds to me like you need to look inside yourself and find out why you don't want to be away from home. Nothing to do with your Mum.

had to stay with my grandparents for one night when I was sixteen as my mum and brother were in hospital

I wonder if you are remembering the stress mixed up in having two family members in hospital, and thinking all sleepovers would be like that?

Definitely unusual to not have ever stayed away overnight by the age of 19!
Ok, not everyone does sleepovers with friends (we don't) but never at grandparents, or on a school trip, or camping with say Scouts or Guides overnight?
I think it's healthy to have some nights away by that age, it's unusual to get to adulthood never having been away from your parents for one overnight sleep at least!

I’d think it was strange.
School trips - from year 6 most schools offer trips and some are more or less mandatory like the year 6 ‘journey’.
Then there’s sleepovers, grandparents or other relatives (I didn’t have GPs to stay with but did with aunts).
If we’re talkjng no holidays either then that’s even more unusual.
I assume the person isn’t special needs or disabled in any way.

It's unusual, but it's not the end of the world.
I like that a poster managed to sneak in a stay in a spa

you could always go for a long weekend with a friend somewhere like a cheap hotel.
Having had nights away on holiday, camps with friends is not the same as moving in your own place and finding yourself fully independent for the first time though. As long as you know you can always go back home if needed, you'll be fine.

This was my son, OP. He did sleep at his dads sometimes but other than that, he never slept over anywhere. He even did his first year at uni at a local university that he could commute to.
Then he got a part time job that he had to do an induction at that meant staying overnight (or 2 nights, can't remember) in a different town. He did it and that gave him the confidence to change universities (the course he was doing was rubbish) and move to one away from home. He absolutely loves it, and is planning to apply for jobs in the same area. He's actually quite independent and self confident now. Sometimes you just have to give yourself a little push to get on with it, otherwise you're in danger of missing out on things.

You see I wonder whether the baby steps idea is really right in this case. I actually think jumping in without the safety net of being able to go home that night or the day after, for a few days in a row with something interesting to do, would be a better bet. Given that you have actually done one night away from home and survived it - that was your baby step. Now do something more fun??

@BertieBotts shows that whatever the reasons for getting to 19 and feeling this way, you are an adult and you can sort this out for yourself now - assuming that's what you want to do. You can do it, if you put your mind to it.

19 is an adult, so I do think you should start to try now. Its quite different to the people giving accounts of finally getting to grips with being away from the parental home at 16, not to have even tried at 19!

I do agree that the combination of never staying away til 16 and then having to in worrying circumstances with your mum and brother in hospital has probably made an already rather anxious homebody associate being away from home even more strongly withnegative emotions.

Have you ever been away from home with your mum on any kind of holiday or to visit relatives? Maybe that could be a good first step. Plan a night in a travel lodge in a new town a short train ride away if you can afford it, or if not then both stay at your nan's together - a night away from home together, before you build up to being away from both your mum and your home at once.

It does sound concerning to me that you've never slept away from your mum's house at all at an age when many people have left home. Its something to work on before you get much older and become resigned to never trying.

I am middle-age, married with kids, and I still have the safety net of being able to go "Home" to my parents if needed

Ikeepafork that's totally and utterly different to never having spent a night away from your mother's house.

|I was replying to annandale's post...

Ikeepafork ah OK, that makes more sense! :o

Although having your parents home as a safety net is a theoretical concept for most adults - it doesn't mean you up and move back in at 3am on any given Tuesday because you're homesick... annan was suggesting the OP go a bit further away and commit to being away a couple of nights, so that demanding to be taken back to her mum in the middle of the night wasn't an option, not that she permanently sever all ties in order to remove her safety net!

Hi op. The fact that you recognise this is holding you back is a positive step.
What do you want to be able to do?
Have a goal to work towards.

Do you rely on mum for other things? Do you look after your own finances? Cook your own food? Do washing, ironing and cleaning for example or does mum do everything for you?
This might be a good place to start- being more independent in the home and thinking of ways to enjoy being away. Maybe volunteer at guides or scouts - the younger sections, so you have the chance for a night away but your focus would be on the kids and helping them not worrying about yourself?

Could you and your mum book a night in a hotel or B&Q where you have different rooms. You’re then not at home and not with mum but she is there.

Let's think...19. Well we never did sleep overs as a kid as I don't think it was as much of a thing then. I spent 2 nights with my nanna when I was 14 as parents went for a weekend. They never did it any other time and my grandparents would never have us to sleep over anyway... this was a one off.
So I started uni but that was my grand total experience. I stayed at home for uni...i did crash at the halls a few times but I would say that until I moved out of home at 25 I hadn't slept over anywhere much at all.

Hi OP, I think the best thing about this is that you recognise that it is a bit unusual to be in your position and that you actively want to get to grips with it in preparation for a life of independence, eventually.

Don't look back now, there is no point, look forward to how you can start to be more independent. Time with your grandparents could be a good start.

Do be a bit aware perhaps that it may be an issue of your parents, or mother, and that perhaps they haven't been encouraging you to find your feet enough. Good luck, you have everything before you.

My friends’s DD rarely spent the night away from her and is your age. This first yeat at University has not been great to be honest and her anxiety has rocketed so she’s home at the moment before her exams. She hit the roof but her Mum got her to see a counsellor and the first session has sounded quite helpful. It’s been quite hard watching it as an outsider as could see it was heading in this direction.

I think you do need to start building yourself up in small steps now so you become independent, agree that it’s great you recognise this is holding you back. There are some good ideas on here, hopefully one of them will strike a chord with you. Really agree about looking forward now and not back.

Firstly, in previous generations this would not have been seen as odd and those people managed further education, moving for work and living in digs and marriage so please don't worry.
If you are anxious about it I think you should attempt to desensitise yourself by eg a night away in a B&B or similar.
One of my DC , aged16, has almost never stayed the night elsewhere. He gets very anxious and avoids these situations. I worry for him but am hopeful that when the time comes and he leaves it will be because he wants to and so he will feel in control of the situation. It will be on his terms. It is also likely to be a move into university halls so he will not be getting up and having to face a friend's Dad on the stairs or to fit into another family's routines.

Gosh OP. Your parents have done a number on you here. At 19 the world is your oyster and you should be exited and looking forward to getting out there and experienceing it all. What about trying music festivals/nights out with friends/holidays/weekends away/ or even a night away with a friend to a spa hotel?
Nothing is going to happen to your Mum, you can’t spend your life stuck by her side. That’s no life!!!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the root of your anxiety stems from your recall of staying with grandparents whilst your mum/brother were in hospital. Please see a counsellor though, absolutely it’s not normal and you’re missing out on so much; holidays, nights away with friends, university flat shares, boyfriends etc.