Thoughts on a 19 year old never having spent a night away from home

[NoOutsiders]

What would you think about a 19 year old who had never spent a night away from home? Would it be a concern for you?

Perhaps you just aren't ready for it OP , don't worry about what others do l am sure there are lots of young ppl feeling exactly the same way.

It's unusual yes. I think the problem from my perspective is that at 19 it's a good time to do new things, go away for courses, travel etc and it would be a shame if the reason these things didn't happen would be because of a fear like this.

Is there anything at all that you can think of that you would like to see or do - particularly something that would keep you busy in the day? I would try for something that lasts at least a couple of weeks. So a driving course or volunteering on a farm (WWOOF) or a language course. Then take the plunge and book. Just keep working towards it even if it makes you feel terrible to think about it. Once you have done that first trip you know you can do it and you can make free choices from then on.

I'd think it was sad, but I wouldn't allow this to happen to my dc and encouraged independence from an early age.
I'd worry they were missing out on life, not going anywhere or doing anything due to restrictions of not sleeping away from home. It limits your options for life greatly.
I'd feel like I'd failed my dc if any were like this.
I think you just have to do it and get on with it or miss out.
How about just staying at a friends overnight or a mini break.

I see.
Yes it's quite odd but your post sort of explains it. It sounds like you are overly reliant on the comfort of mum/home to feel secure and at 19 you really need to develop some skills and strategies to increase your resilience.
Children start off needing mum/attachment figure to feel secure, then start exploring the world and being able to transfer some of the security to other things and people as they grow. One thing that young children often use to feel secure is a transitional object (such as a teddy or blanket). I'm not suggesting you use a teddy but think about what you have in your room at home that makes you feel secure in bed. A comfortable pillow? Particular duvet cover? Bedside table with important things in reach?
Think about how you can replicate the things that make you feel safe elsewhere. Taking your own pillow is an easy and not embarrassing one. Then arrange to stay somewhere! Even if only a night in a cheap travelodge down the road. Once you have faced the fear of doing it and it's not bad you will find it more and more easy as time goes on.

OP I cross posted with you and just saw your reply.
Homesickness is horrible. I went to boarding school at 10 and suffered terribly, so I know what it feels like. Have you got friends you could go away with for a short holiday? I think the only thing to do is bite the bullet and give it a go. It is only by suffering from homesickness that you will develop the strategies for dealing with it, like keeping busy, taking an interest in other people, talking and being sociable. And also knowing that the horrible feeling actually goes after a while!
If it's any consolation it is something that seems to disappear as you age (well, it did for me). I miss my home when I am away still, but it doesn't distress me. Good luck.

I think it's unusual but beating yourself up about it won't help.

Is there something you would really enjoy going to that you could make an over night trip of? With friends to make it easier?

You will get there. It might involve stepping out of your comfort zone though. Just try and take small steps as much as you can.

Is your mother anxious OP or does she like to have you around and therefore subtly discourage you from becoming independent?

Learning to spend time away from your mother (in your case) is a really important part of you discovering your own identity and becoming an independent person in your own right. Would you consider having counselling?

I should imagine you’d be gradually encouraged to start with small steps - staying with GPS or father, before building up to spending time in less familiar places. Successfully moving away from this seemingly claustrophobic relationship with your mother will eventually do wonders for your confidence.

I guess now you are 19 it becomes your decision to push yourself . Can you try staying at Nan’s or Dad’s again . I think it sounds like you need to build your confidence

This sort of thing is why DD was allowed overnights with dgps from 2, and why she allowed a well attended wedding party to all cuddle DGS at 5 weeks. Dniece by contrast had an overnight with us at 9, her first away from dB and SIL. That was fraught. She's fine now, but it took a while for her to blossom. Push children socially, they become easier at home.

It is unusual op but its not unheard of for some children never to live home ever, I guess I only know of one or two examples of this and they are generally (in my limited experience) men, and have mental health problems/or have failed to thrive in most areas of their lives.

At the end of the day its not a crime to never move out, and also some people don't move out of their parents home until they marry.

Its your choice, I would be more worried in your situation if you didn't have any friends, never had a relationship, job etc.

I didn't till I went away to university. My parents couldn't afford residentials and sleepovers weren't a thing where I lived ( most people didn't have the space). I had no problems living away from home when I went.

Do you have friends or even siblings?

I remember being shown a video when I was at school about going off to university.
It started with the words "For some of these young people this will be their first night away from home".
I remember thinking at the time this would be unusual, but it obviously was something the makers had come across.

Unless you actually get out there and sleep away from home you're never going to get over it. Book yourself a short break somewhere you want to go and enjoy yourself.

Your mum has let you down a little not preparing you towards being an independent adult, but not all is lost at 19 you can now do this yourself. You are old enough to rationalise you will be uncomfortable the first couple of times but you can do it.

Take it in little steps as pp's have said, and try not to make it into a bigger deal than it has to be. If you mum has shielded you from other things think about them too, maybe make a list of things you want to achieve before you are 20 and expand your life experiences and your confidence will naturally follow.

I wouldn’t say it is your mother’s fault at all, I’m pretty sure my mother encouraged us to be independent in the same way your mother and many other mothers do: allowing over night stays with relatives.

I’m also pretty sure that she wouldn’t have forced us to spend the night away if we were upset or anxious about it.

You are what you are, my mother sounds very much like yours and has:

• a daughter who is a homebody and hates going on holidays
• one that cannot let the opportunity of a holiday pass
• and another one who had lived abroad for 20+ years.

It is not your mum, much less now that you are an adult, you need to face your own fears and anxieties. What happened (or not happened) in the past doesn’t determine what the future will be, it is in your hands to change it. You will feel homesick at the beginning but after a few weeks you will be fine.

If you're anxious can't you build up the separation? If you have relatives can you go and spend the night at their house?
You can even explain that you're aware it would be seen as childish but you're nervous about being away from home so that they can support you?

You will be fine. I wouldn't worry about it. You say you haven't been overnight anywhere, but you really have. I hadn't really stayed anywhere when I was about your age and although emotional, when I did finally move on, it was fine. I didn't live far away from my family so all was good.

I don't think your mother has done the right thing to not encourage age appropriate independence. I am a single parent and very close to my only child (12 years old), but he has been going to camps with Cubs, Scouts and school since he was 7. I still miss him every night he is away but he has a great time. If he was a more anxious child I would have taken it slower, like just one night at a time.

OP, after your update I do think it might be beneficial for you to try and get out your comfort zone - could you maybe ask an understanding friend if you could sleep over at theirs one evening? Or maybe book a short weekend far in advance and try and build yourself up to it?

This is really unusual and it will limit your life if you don't tackle this. But with baby steps: stay near home, with a trusted friend or relative for starters, and then slowly expand your comfort zone. You don't have to like it, just be able to do it.

I left home at 19 (people tended to do that in the 70's), so it seems unusual to me.

The first time I remember staying away from home was when I went camping for the weekend with neighbours when I was 6. I went to stay with my nan for a few days in the school holidays, went on holiday with, aunt, uncle and cousin at around the same age and stayed overnight with friends from 11.

Is there any reason why you never did any of these things, OP? Did your mum discourage you or particularly want to keep you close? I know some people are just shy or anxious and don't want to spend time away from family (the child of a family friend hated even having tea at anyone else's house, because he was worried he might be made to eat something he didn't like).

I think it would be worth trying a night away somewhere, as it could be very limiting later in life. I get that travelling isn't everyone's cup of tea, but not staying away overnight could hinder future career development and social opportunities.

TBH, I always struggled with being away from home. Seriously struggled with it. I remember being put over the fence aged about 4 or 5 to go and play at my cousin's neighbour's house without any adults I knew there and I hated it and kept clawing at my cousin saying "Give me a kiss, give me a cuddle!" I couldn't get through a sleepover without feeling sick and frightened and crying and needing to be picked up, until I was about 14 and even then it was only OK when I was with a friend whose house I was extremely familiar with and had been to lots and I knew their parents etc. I was also in theory fairly used to staying away from home as my parents were divorced so I spent EOW at my Dad's house since about 6 - but that was like being at my second home, so never really counted quite the same.

Went on French Exchange when I was 15 and spent the week basically inconsolable and totally unable to cope. Was better during the day when out and about and distracted but once I was on my own in my room or having dinner with the family etc I couldn't eat or relax and I felt like I was choking all of the time. I used to hate it even if my mum went to bed before we did and I would lie awake feeling extremely anxious.

Even aged 16, with college, we went on a trip to Amsterdam and I spent the whole first night hiding in the hostel room crying! On the second night, I was persuaded by somebody to go to the bar, and apparently alcohol was the cure to my homesickness - never had a problem, actually, since that day.

I moved out of home at 18 and moved abroad aged 24 and I never feel homesick any more. I think it's totally fine to be a late starter and even if you do have anxiety about being away from home when you're younger it can be easy when you're older, it's just a case of maturing.