To ask how to approach this in an age appropriate way?

[CaveMaman]

I had two rabbits who both died earlier this year. My ds is 2.5 and always asks to see the bunnies, so I told him that the poor bunnies died and they're not there anymore... he then asked me the heart breaking question "what's died", which I fluffed the answer to... I tried to link it to The Lion King (his current fave film) and explain about the circle of life... but I don't think he understands it. How do you explain death to a two year old?

I'd look for an age-appropriate book about it. I'm sure there are some.

Dead means they’ve gone and you won’t be able to see them again, but you will always remember them and be able to think about them whenever you want to. I work with 2-3yr olds and honest and open talk is always best, IME they are very resilient x

Bing the butterfly episode. When mil's dog died earlier this year we told 2yr old dd the dog had passed away. Dd said "Did she die?" Neither DH or I had mentioned death so she's picked that up from that dumb bunny Bing.

Reading "Goodbye Mog" (Judith Kerr) might help. It's a tricky concept to explain, but I think that you did the right thing to use the word "died" rather than a potentially confusing or frightening euphemism.

Thank you all... I'm feeling a little out of my depth with this one. Tbh I didn't expect to have to explain it just yet.

I'll look for some suitable books, we have to return some to the library tomorrow so it's a good opportunity to have a look. Do you think it's something I could ask the librarian about? I'll definitely look for the mog one though, we love mog in our house - the cat across the street looks just like him!

At two, I think I'd say they've gone to heaven for a long sleep. I don't understand the necessity for total honesty at that age.

I don't understand the necessity for total honesty at that age.

No need to make up total airy fairy bollocks either. Might as well just say ‘they went to live on a farm’ if you’re going to all out lie.

I really like TwinnyWinnys

EdmundCleverClogs

I'm just saying what I would be comfortable with. No one needs to agree.

My grandma died recently and we had to tell my 3 and a bit yo. We got some books which were quite good. Some not so good.

The ones I liked explained that some people believe in heaven, some people believe in reincarnation and some people believe that death is when you just go to sleep and never wake up. They worded it better than that, but that was the crux of it.

I don’t think giving a definitive answer about ‘what happens when someone dies’ is all that helpful. I’d rather mine made their own minds up. I do let her know what I believe if she asks, but always say that some people believe differently. We interact with people from different faith backgrounds and none. In fact my own family has a few different beliefs.

Hmmm, I avoided saying "gone to heaven" because I don't really believe in heaven (or hell), I'm an atheist.

Well, that's up to you, of course!

If you’re an atheist then could you say that death is when someone or some rabbit goes to sleep and doesn’t wake up? Or that that’s what you believe, assuming that’s what you believe.

Say it’s when the body stops working anymore and when your body stops working you can’t breathe and your heart can’t beat so that means you’ve died.

I wouldn't use 'sleep' anywhere when explaining it. When you elaborate and say they aren't coming back I'd worry they will be frightened to go to sleep again Incase they 'don't come back'.

I'd say this.
'Dead means they’ve gone and you won’t be able to see them again, but you will always remember them and be able to think about them whenever you want to. '

Nooo, don't say they went to sleep and didn't wake up, that could lead to your DS being scared of going to sleep. Just say dead is when you can't see them any more but you can think about them forever like previous poster suggested.

The long sleep explanation can backfire badly, leading to a kid who is scared to go to sleep. Beware of that one.

Dead insects are useful ime. A dead fly on the windowsill can be looked at, can clearly see the body doesn't work anymore, that is what dead means.

We’ve just had to tell my 5 year old that his grandma died. He’s a big fan of the Disney film Coco and he cried for a couple of minutes then just said, “never mind, she’s gone to meet her Mum and dad again and she wanted to do that”. We’ve been quite matter of fact about it and he’s dealt with it really well. I looked up how to break it to him and all the sources said to be honest and not dress it up in other terms as they don’t understand ambiguity at that age.

At two, I think I'd say they've gone to heaven for a long sleep.

Bereavement specialists advise against exactly this.

Firstly- by saying they’ve gone to “sleep”, can make children scared and think they may go to sleep and not wake up, and bever see their parents again.

Secondly, sleep does imply they may wake up. So it doesn’t convey the finality and the child may still ask to see the deceased or ask if they’ve woken up yet.

Plus by suggesting heaven is a place you go to sleep may confuse the child- id heaven a place? Can we go wake granny up? Etc.

O/p i always explain in terms of biology. That their bodies were old or injured and didn’t work any more. No heartbeat to push the blood round, everything stops.

Then you can explain your own chosen theory on what happens after death. That they don’t need their bodies but their spirit/ghost/soul is reincarnated/with the angels/gone.

And that we won’t see them again because we are alive and only dead people go where dead people go...

Cross post!!

reallyanotherone

Well, bereavement experts can advise what they like. It's the explanation I would be comfortable giving to a small child.

The long sleep explanation can backfire badly, leading to a kid who is scared to go to sleep. Beware of that one

True... I guess the biological answer is the only one we actually know the answer to anyway. For sure I mean. Nobody knows what it actually feels like to be dead.

We explained it using flowers.

They understood that flowers are alive and then die either because the season changes or because they wither in a vase.

We said just like flowers people get old and die because their body wears out and sometimes they die because they get ill or have an accident.

I love TwinnyWinny's idea.

Toddlers have a very limited understanding of death and they also don't understand that death is permanent. (This develops at about age 9.) You may just need to keep reminding him even if you do explain the biological reality of death.

I told our kids around that age (whose grandparents died before they were born), that grandad's / nanny's body stopped working and they couldn't get up again, so now they are under their special stone. We had to explain a few times that they can't come back, and that we all remember them and they hugged me and OH lots so we had plenty of grandad / nanny hugs to give them.

One of the dc was a little angry at naughty grandad for not going to the doctor before he 'broke' (not actually what happened, just kid logic) but on the whole they both been fine with it. Kid logic does bring up some strange conversations now and then though - e.g. ghosts, and naughty grandad got taken by the police and now he is dead (he had mixed up ambulances and police) - esp. as we live where one grandparent died, and have a relative living where 2 others died.

Simple truth has been the easiest approach for us.