To ask how to approach this in an age appropriate way?

[CaveMaman]

I had two rabbits who both died earlier this year. My ds is 2.5 and always asks to see the bunnies, so I told him that the poor bunnies died and they're not there anymore... he then asked me the heart breaking question "what's died", which I fluffed the answer to... I tried to link it to The Lion King (his current fave film) and explain about the circle of life... but I don't think he understands it. How do you explain death to a two year old?

DD had some counselling about a year or so ago after some deaths in the family that she was struggling with. They happened when she was 3 (so about a year prior) and they really impacted on her. The person who came out to see us was not a bereavement specialist at all but also said to steer clear from going to sleep. He actually said he had worked with children who had been told the going to sleep line, that it had terrified them and then it took some undoing to put things right. One little boy was still scared of going to sleep. Very sad.

I think basic facts are best - see up thread to the poster who works with 2-3 year olds. You can no longer see them but can remember them is a good approach. Our dd was about 4 when she had the counselling and so we also explained about the body stopping working and that the body goes to a grave but that the persons memories had gone, but that we could remember the memories. But she was a bit older than yours. It's very hard and there isn't a right way, just the way you approach it.

The other thing I learnt is that we as adults are the ones who have a complex about death. Children actually have the capability of dealing with it pretty well if you keep it simple but factual. It's when people try to make it fluffy and don't use the right terminology that it can go wrong.

Agree with pps, I'd never use the sleep explanation.

Dd grew up round livestock and working animals so to a certain extent it was part of life to her. When my friends dog was put down dd was the same age as your ds, and I explained it in terms of how bodies can get so old they don't work anymore. Which at that age is reassuring enough to stop any worry that they or anyone else is about to break down and die. And you can expand on that as and when they encounter death that isn't simply old age.

I'm an atheist too, so I avoided heaven. But did tell her that although nobody will ever see them again because their body isn't here, some people like to think they might be having fun somewhere, which atheist or not can be a comforting thought for a child.

We just explained that our bodies get old and stop working. (We are atheists so no going to heaven business).

They understood that fine. Dd did go through a phase of getting upset that I would die one day but I explained that we all should aim to have a happy life and do lots of fun things together and enjoy it while we can.

Pengwwyn your personal feelings are less important here than the advice given by CRUSE and others, who advise against using any reference to 'sleeping' when explaining death to children in this age range:

"Children aged between two and five years old have difficulty with the abstract concepts surrounding death. For instance they might be confused as to how one person can be in a grave and also be in heaven at the same time. They will become further confused if they are told that the deceased person is simply sleeping and this in turn could make them fearful of falling asleep or seeing anyone else asleep. They might insist on waiting for the person who has died to wake up or similarly if they have been told that the person who has died has gone on a long journey they may await their return."

www.cruse.org.uk/Children/children-understanding-death

GorgonLondon

When it comes to my child, my personal feelings on what to tell them about death are the only thing that matters, because I am the one making that decision. How strange that you think my personal feelings would be less important than those of CRUSE (whoever the fuck that is). My children, I will tell them what I want.

Pengwwwwyn with every post you sound more and more ignorant and less and less like you should be advising anyone else on what to tell their children about death.

CRUSE (whoever the fuck that is).

It astonishes me that anyone who claims to be a school teacher would not know who CRUSE are.

Penggwn, I can't believe how aggressive you are being over this.

I've no problem with your instinctive reaction to use the sleep explanation and, as parents, we tend to think that we know our own children best and that this means that we also know what us best for them.

But that isn't always the case. Often the experts really do have a better understanding than we do.

Cruse is a well respected bereavement charity and I can't understand why you are so defensive and so dismissive of their advice.

GorgonLondon

I am not advising the OP. I said what I would do. You took the unbelievably obnoxious step of telling me it didn't matter about my personal feelings when communicating with my own child about a sensitive topic, so, frankly, I don't give a rat's arse for your opinion, which I never asked for anyway. Cheers. Bye.

cariadlet

I am staggered that you think I am the one who is out of line here, but each to their own!

I am not advising the OP. I said what I would do.

Er, no.

You, earlier in this thread:
"At two, I think I'd say they've gone to heaven for a long sleep. I don't understand the necessity for total honesty at that age."

Several other posters, incl. me, pointed out that runs counter to the advice given by people who really know what they are talking about.

And then you said "whoever the fuck they are" about CRUSE. In other threads you claim to be a school teacher. There is no chance that a school teacher wouldn't know who CRUSE are.

"At two, I think I'd say they've gone to heaven for a long sleep. I don't understand the necessity for total honesty at that age.

It says I think I'd say. That means I was saying what I would do, since you seem to be having some trouble reading.

“Died is when someone’s life is over. All the energy in their body is used up, and their body doesn’t work anymore. So their heart stops beating, and their brain stops thinking, and they stop moving around. Usually it happens when someone is very old. And we can’t see them anymore, so we feel sad about that, but we can remember them and talk about them a lot.”

I’ve found some variation of the above useful in talking to my 4yo; she understands the concept and doesn’t, at present, find it frightening.

You're not a teacher, are you?

Reported for troll hunting.

Weirdo.

Really? Name calling?

It's a thread about BEREAVEMENT. How is that at all necessary or appropriate?

Bloody grown women who can't bloody behave themselves on the internet. God help their children.

QuinnElle

Reported.

It is a really hard concept at that age but remember that death is something that is part of life and unfortunately your son will experience death in the future. Please do not use terms like 'going to sleep'. I work with children and deliver bad news, you have to be factual. At this age maybe something along the lines of a previous suggestion that their bodies did not work any more and it was better for them that they died, they will not come back but we will remember them. Do not use terms like poorly as children are literal creatures. They will be scared every time people go to sleep or get poorly.

We have always had guinea pigs and I was mad at DH when one died and he showed DD aged about 3 or 4 a much ed loved pig who was found dead in the run (old age and luckily for pig sudden). However she got it and when DH died when DD was 8 she totally understood this is a forever thing. Kids I have worked with have been terrified of going to sleep if death is explained to them in this way. It is death, not sleeping, passing or whatever other term people use.

I am also in agreement with all the advice given by PPs about sleep.

I studied bereavement in my teaching degree and it is most definitely not recommended to tell children that people go to sleep. It can cause a deep fear of either them or their parents sleeping and not waking up. It also suggests that the deceased may actually be able to be woken at some point.

Straight forward honesty, without euphemisms, is the best approach.

Whole-heartedly agree about looking at dead insects and discussing physical side of death. Above all, make it clear that death means gone forever, but still loved and still part of our relationship/family (even if a rabbit!)

Weird attitude form pengwwwn though. Unusual in my expereince for a teacher to so ill-informed.

Oh no, please don't use the 'sleep' word. My parents explained death to me like that when I was very little: "It's like going to sleep but you never wake up again".
After that I was terrified of anyone going to sleep (not just me, but my parents and the cat as well) just in case we never woke up again. I got frantic even if someone just closed their eyes for a few moments.
Years later they told me that they realised they'd made a mistake and they wished they'd never said it!

They've gone to heaven for a long sleep? Good grief.

Weird attitude form pengwwwn though. Unusual in my expereince for a teacher to so ill-informed.

It's not weird at all. It's a personal opinion from someone you don't know. These matters are subjective, not factual. I don't appreciate the continued criticism of my opinion, which was given perfectly reasonably to the OP and then jumped on by a number of rude people here.

YY to Bing and the butterfly - I am loath to recommend that fucking bunny usually but it’s very well done.

Paper Dolls is very good for this, too.

Anyway, looks like a full moon on MN tonight. Have fun, all. Try to be back in bed before you revert to human form.

I would say that their body had got old and worn out and stopped working. That to be alive you need a heart to pump blood around and lungs to get oxygen in, and when the heart and lungs stop working, the building blocks of the body stop working. So the person isn’t going to move or think again, but we will remember the time they were here and talk about them.

I wouldn’t go into detail about burial or cremation with humans in someone that young; with rabbits you can talk about putting them in a special place in your garden.

DS1 was three when I first had to explain human death to him, and he understood it from the above. He also understood the permanence of it regardless of whether he was developmentally meant to or not.

I would also advise steering clear of the “gone to sleep and won’t wake up” explanation. It causes psychological havoc in the minds of toddlers and can lead to huge problems with sleep disorders later in life. I’ve had many children screaming and terrified before an anaesthetic because I describe it as a special type of sleep and they had previously had death described to them as sleep.

Pengyyywn - if you only feel comfortable describing death to your children as a long sleep then I would respectfully suggest that if it is ever needed, you seek help from someone specially trained to explain it to them (with you present of course).