To ask how to approach this in an age appropriate way?

[CaveMaman]

I had two rabbits who both died earlier this year. My ds is 2.5 and always asks to see the bunnies, so I told him that the poor bunnies died and they're not there anymore... he then asked me the heart breaking question "what's died", which I fluffed the answer to... I tried to link it to The Lion King (his current fave film) and explain about the circle of life... but I don't think he understands it. How do you explain death to a two year old?

We've explained in the context of my Dad and our Grandmas, who died before DD was born/when she was a baby, that eventually bodies get so old they wear out, and sometimes, although doctors are very clever, people get so ill that they can't be fixed, so their bodies stop working. She's looked at dead plants, dead flies, and dead mice brought in by the cat, so she recognises that it's as if the batteries have run out and can't be replaced. We haven't had to deal with a bereavement since she's been old enough to understand. As much as I love him, I hope my creaky old cat goes first, because I think that might be an easier next step than a much-loved grandparent. I've thought about this because we had a health scare with him last year, and I was preparing to tell DD that I took him to the vet because he was very poorly, the vet couldn't make him better and he died, without mentioning that the vet might have helped him on his way.

The "going to sleep" suggestion. I can't do that. I watched my ddad die and it wasn't like he was asleep. He just wasn't there anymore.

I am asking about the bunnies because my son asked me what "died" means, when I told him they had, not because it's a huge loss. If he asks me a question, I want to answer it properly and not go on about the lion king and miss the chance to help him understand something so important.. I think I fucked up a little.

Thank you to everyone who's offered advice and shared how they helped their dc understand this. It is so emotive, and so many people have different beliefs. I want my ds to choose his own beliefs when he's older, but I don't want to influence him with my opinions about what happens after you die. I was haunted by the thought of death, and what happens when you die as a child... not entirely pleasant thoughts for a child to have, and I want to protect him from them.

Thanks for the book suggestions HebeMumsnet, CharlieandLola and others. I will write the titles down and get them from the library.

I haven’t read all the thread but I would avoid the going to sleep and didn’t wake up . It can make going to sleep very scary

I mean, it's sad that the bunnies died, but not entirely unexpected - for me and dh at least - they were quite old for outdoor bunnies. I loved them, of course but loving pets is different to loving people, and when they die its not really the same level of sadness.

(Sorry just had to clarify why I said the bunnies dying "wasn't a huge loss" in case anyone thinks I don't love my pets. )

I explained to my kids that she went into the sky and that she can never come back. She had to leave because she was sick btu she doesn’t suffer anymore where she is.

What matters is not what is easier on us adults. Surely it is what is best for the children. And all the reputable advice on that is to avoid sleep terminology, as it can cause fear of sleep. Also best to try to avoid "they were poorly and didn't get better" type phrases, in case they get scared next time they catch a bug. Body worn out/broken tends to work better.

When our dog was very ill (he was a rescue dog who turned out to have bone cancer, and he became very ill very quickly after we got him) I took him to the vets knowing the vet would most likely recomend we have him put down at that point.

While I was out my Mum told my son that I'd taken the dog to live on a farm.

I came home in tears because I'd just held him while the vet gave the injection and he died in my arms.

And walked in to my son asking when we could go to the farm for a visit.

Firstly I had to find out what my mum thought she was playing at, and she said well you don't believe in heaven so what else should I have said? I said she shouldn't have said anything and waited for me to get back and speak to him.

I had to then take my son home and explain to him that grandma was wrong.

I said the dog had died, which meant that all the things that make someone alive didn't work any more, and so we had to make a grave for his body but that we could remember all the nice times from when he was alive that made him our dog.

DS wanted to know why my mum had lied to him and I said that she didn't want him to feel upset and so was trying to be kind, but I thought he should know the truth because we loved the dog and part of that love is feeling sad that we couldn't see him ever again because once someone has died they are gone.

We had a few tears, and I told DS that tears were important when someone dies, and so was talking about the person or dog who had died. So not to worry about upsetting anybody by talking about the dog, because we were all feeling sad anyway and talking makes that better not worse.

DS asked where the dog had gone and I said I didn't know. I said people believe lots of different things but we don't really know, but that while we remembered him he was still in our memories and that was a nice place to be.

I think you did brilliantly there @hygge.

I don’t agree with shoving views on the afterlife down Children’s throats; whether that be a religious view or an atheist one. We also tried to ensure dd knew that people believe a range of different things about what happens after death, but that nobody really knows.

Has anyone recommended the Mog and Frog books about death?

And our cat really did go and live on a farm (my sister has a farm and we were moving and couldn't take him).

Don’t forget that 2 year olds don’t have the level of attachment or thought an older kid do have so you may have already done the age appropriate thing by saying they have died and if the little one is not asking more questions or upset about the rabbits there is no point in digging it further explaining about different religious beliefs or telling she won’t see the rabbits again. (There will be time for that in the future but you need to cross that bridge when you get there, not now)

@TheFatkinsDiet Thank you. I did feel on the spot a bit because the farm nonsense came out of the blue, but DS took it quiet well all in all and anything else he asked afterwards I could go back to what I'd said at that point and just reinforce it a bit.

I do think that age appropriate truth is better than anything else, and I'm another one who thinks that the 'going to sleep' explanation isn't the best way to go, for all the reasons many other people have given on this thread.

And tbf, most religions don’t cover where rabbits go when they die either, so maybe that is a bit unnecessary on this occasion.

It’s harder if it’s a human death and if you go to a church where they discuss heaven.

TBH I think it's both important and fair enough to say to DC that no one really knows, because they are bound to get some well-meaning twat telling them about the afterlife, however rational you have been in your own household, and there's no need to cause additional upset.
(Though if you encounter anyone deranged enough to talk to them about hells, it's fine to be rude to that person and allow/encourage your DC to treat that person's ideas as offensive bullshit.)

Came back to the thread today in a slightly better mood.

I have no issue whatsoever with anyone else's preferred method of explaining death to their child. I accept that some people might believe my preferred method isn't the best one and I have no issue with them saying so.

Personal attacks aren't on. Troll hunting isn't on (and yes, are weird). Telling me I should seek professional help to tell my child their rabbit is dead is... well, again, just odd.

Like every other parent on MN, I have to decide for myself which professional and other advice works for me and my family, and I will do that without apology.

Back to the issue here, there is obviously a lot of good advice on this thread and it's helpful to have different perspectives. Hopefully the OP has found a way she is comfortable with to discuss the issue with her two year old. I remain comfortable with what I said initially, but this wasn't advice, just the information that this is what I think I would do.

The reason you got jumped on was because it is very, very well known that what you proposed doing is harmful. Posters are always going to have a go if someone says they will/would do something which is clearly a really bad idea.

ReanimatedSGB

That's no reason to jump on anyone. And no, it is not 'well-known' - it is the opinion of some people here and some professionals. I am not obligated to agree, and as I am not suggesting my opinion should be adopted either by the OP or by anyone else, just saying what I would do, in a specific circumstance that may or may not occur in my family, some people here were being incredibly aggressive and presumptuous.

We were factual to DS last year when our cat died. DS was three and he has struggled with it. Unfortunately our cat was quite young and it was quite sudden and very unexpected, so we've not been able to do the mildly reassuring 'he was very old and his body had worn out' thing, though we have tried to say this is normally the case and that cats can die from illnesses that can be treated if people have them.

We have talked about the different things people believe about dying and I've not pushed any of them as true - I try and stay neutral on religion, although I did have to tell him the Easter story was made up as Jesus coming back from the dead was confusing him.

I got a great book called Lifetimes which explains death to children. It goes through plants and different animals then humans and explains that everything that is living has a beginning and an end. It's nicely done.

Sorry to disagree Peng I do think that the example of "going to sleep and not waking up" as an explanation for death is widely recognised as not helpful - not just by "some" experts and "some people on here".

I think it is useful to share on these boards recognised advice about the unexpected consequences of going down a particular route in explanation. @Hygge shared an experience of a similar "unintended consequence" with the living on a farm story and I agree Hygge handled that very well and unravelled the farm solution very kindly and effectively.

myrtleWilson

And you are absolutely entitled to your view on that. What you are not entitled to do - and you're not doing - is attack me for having mine.

Hi OP.
At your DC's age the understanding is going to be limited however well you explain it.
The fact your DS keeps asking doesn't mean you have said the wrong thing. Small children will often ask about dead loved ones/pets repeatedly.
Keep it simple. The more words you use the more chance there is for confusion
The rabbits died & they won't come back again. How you explain what happens next depends really om what you are comfortable with.
There are lots of books to help but it may be that your DS just needs to hear the same thing over & over.