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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask how to approach this in an age appropriate way?

96 replies

CaveMaman · 18/05/2018 17:46

I had two rabbits who both died earlier this year. My ds is 2.5 and always asks to see the bunnies, so I told him that the poor bunnies died and they're not there anymore... he then asked me the heart breaking question "what's died", which I fluffed the answer to... I tried to link it to The Lion King (his current fave film) and explain about the circle of life... but I don't think he understands it. How do you explain death to a two year old?

OP posts:
WhereIsBlueRabbit · 18/05/2018 21:01

My DS was the same age when my DGM (in her nineties) died. We kept it short and factual and that worked well - "Grandma X has died because she was very very old, and that's sad because we won't see her any more, but we can think about all the nice things we used to do with her and look at photos". My DS is quite anxious but this has worked really well for him.

Prestonsflowers · 18/05/2018 21:02

When I was a child I was told that a favourite uncle had gone to sleep and didn’t wake up. My mother told me as she was tucking me in to sleep!
Many years later when a family friend died I told her not to tell my son that family friend had gone to sleep.
She did because, as always, she thinks that she knows best.
I’m 60 and I hate the sensation of falling asleep and so does my son.
@Pengggwn
I often find myself agreeing with your comments but this time I don’t

JamPasty · 18/05/2018 21:02

Really not sure what your issue is Pengggwn - people are pointing out that it's not helpful to tell kids what you suggested you would tell them. How is it a bad thing when people share expert advice?

Pengggwn · 18/05/2018 21:03

HicDraconis

I am leaving the thread now, because your deeply condescending post has just made me type something that would get me banned.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 18/05/2018 21:05

I wish you would.

immortalmarble · 18/05/2018 21:08

Of course peng is a teacher! Grin

Anyway, they are rabbits, it’s not a major huge bereavement. Obviously a good opportunity to explain about death but it’s not CRUSE level is it.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 18/05/2018 21:08

Just to mention as well i agree with not mentioning sleep, i remember being told that when i was young and it actually stopped me wanting to sleep because i thought i might not wake up again. Its still a bit of a fear of mine XD

ReanimatedSGB · 18/05/2018 21:08

Another vote for keeping it calm and factual: the body stopped working but we will remember the person. If you must involve mythology, make the distinction between the body and the 'spirit' to avoid confusion - it's the invisible magic bit of you that goes to the invisible magic nice place.

I had to have the talk when DS was 6 and my father died - I told him about atoms and energy and the fact that a body is cremated and the ashes scattered to make the plants grow, and the whole circle of life thing. (DS' comment, some time later - 'So is Granddad a cow poo now?)

Babdoc · 18/05/2018 21:12

My DD1 was 2 years old when her dad died. She understood perfectly that he would not be coming back, that his body was broken and could not be mended, but that we would see him when we also died. Meanwhile God was looking after his soul and keeping him safe in heaven. She was seriously distressed for about 6 months, due to the shock of realising that there is no security in life - that one’s much loved parents can drop dead with no warning. She became subdued and depressed, was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and made two suicide attempts as a young adult.
The impact of bereavement at such a young and vulnerable age can not be overestimated - it is life changing. I realise that pet rabbits are not such a big deal, but I’d advise all parents to tread very carefully when handling the subject of death.

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 18/05/2018 21:14

Folks - can we have a bit of peace and love here, please? We don't want a row in the room on a sensitive thread like this, really.

OP - I liked 'Badger's Parting Gift' for this age group. Badger gets very old and 'goes down the long tunnel' (spoiler alert) but he's much happier and feels better for it.

I still bawled all the way through it, obviously, but it seemed simple enough for a three-year-old to grasp and not too upsetting for them, while also not saying anything that felt too 'made up'.

Sorry about your bunnies, too.

immortalmarble · 18/05/2018 21:15

Well of course Bab but then bereavement impacts on everybody in different ways (stating the obvious, I know) - I don’t think it’s all about how the news is broken.

immortalmarble · 18/05/2018 21:15

HebeMunsnet is always nice Smile

CharlieandLolaCat · 18/05/2018 21:26

So I am forever accidentally buying books about death for DS .... I seem to have a problem.

However, there is a book called Rabbityness (this may be inappropriate in this instance as is actually about a rabbit but essentially rabbityness brings colour and music to the other rabbits and then he's gone one day and then the other rabbits find his paints and instruments and remember rabbityness for being him).

Or Grandad's Island which is about a grandad going off to an island with his grandson and they have a lovely time and the grandad then stays (I thought this was entirely different book and my Dad read this to him for the first time ...).

I would agree with the honesty bit.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 18/05/2018 21:32

Very difficult with young children .
Mine are teens now , but when we had our elderly cat PTS , it was important that I didn't use the phrase Put to Sleep (because of the sleep/fear already mentioned) , the vet injecting her (needle fear) , the vet 'killing' her , Mum taking the cat to be killed (they'd be very suspicious if I took them anywhere medical)

We did get them helping with the digging of the grave , getting a cotton bag for her, setting her in the ground.

When my GM was in hospital before she died , DS couldn't understand why his Grandad (my Dad) couldn't give her Calpol because I did that and it made him better (she was beyond the help of Calpol I'm afraid)

Animal deaths are often the first death a child will face , its traumatic for them

NC4Now · 18/05/2018 21:34

I think their body gets old and tired, and stops working is probably enough at this age.
If they ask what happens next, you can say their heart and brain and body stops, and they go in the ground to help new things grow, or something like that.
Obviously the stuff about how it’s sad, and we miss them, but we always remember them too.

TheFatkinsDiet · 18/05/2018 21:38

I obviously accept what the likes of CRUSE advise, but to me (possibly weird) the idea of a heart just stopping is also quite scary. Like, couldn’t my heart just randomly stop too? Mind you, my poor mum’s heart did more or less that when she was quite young, (died under anesthetic during routine op), so maybe I have a bit of a hang up about it. She died before either of my dcs were born so it hasn’t really come up except that dd knows she’s dead. Ds is too little to know anything about it yet.

Dd had met my grandma many times so we did explain to hef that my grandma was very, very old and that’s what happens when you get old.

One of the books I read her did sort of touch on a circle of life type thing too. It explained that people have to die or else there’d be no room for all the new lives.

Pebbles16 · 18/05/2018 21:44

Please never use "sleep". I had a very close relative who died very young and unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I was terrified of sleep on two levels:

  • that he had gone to sleep
  • that I had gone to sleep and he died
41 years on, I still suffer from insomnia and night terrors. And yes I've had "treatment" on and off for nearly 30 years but it will not go away
BigFuckingManatee · 18/05/2018 21:45

Well this got batshit crazy fast Hmm I'll just crawl around on the floor picking up all the toys that got chucked out of the pram, but people can untwist their own knickers cause I'm not going there Grin

I also think the bing episode is fantastic. I was a bit weirded out by their straight forwardness when I watched it the first time because I couldn't believe they actually used the word "dead"! I'm glad they did as kids appreciate honesty and there's no point bullshitting them - they're more resilient than we expect.

MightyMucks · 18/05/2018 21:49

Coco is also a good watch if you’re gently preparing them for losing a grandparent. It has a nice message people are gone but not forgotten.

Sara107 · 18/05/2018 21:52

I would echo everyone saying to keep it factual and steer clear of the long sleeps, trips to the stars etc. My DD met death for the first time when she was 3 and my mum died. I don't think such a young child can comprehend death ( tbh it's hard as an adult!) but I think that to stick to the facts is fine but keep it simple. The rabbits got very old and sick and they died and we won't see them again. It's ok to be sad about that. Don't offer more detail than the child is asking for, but don't avoid direct questions. Its a very hard topic to talk about, and as adults we do use euphemisms a lot and it can sound pretty awful when you have to describe what something like cremation is in terms a little person can understand.

TheFatkinsDiet · 18/05/2018 21:57

Looking forward to Coco coming out on dvd (yes, I still watch dvds). Will have to buy a copy.

MightyMucks · 18/05/2018 21:58

It’s out Fatkins! I watched it tonight on Sky Movies but the DVD is out too.

TheFatkinsDiet · 18/05/2018 21:59

Oh amazon just lied to me! It said I had to pre-order! Harrumph.

Dd could definitely use another movie in her collection... she’s only got about 60000 dvds Blush.

condepetie · 18/05/2018 22:08

There's a beautiful Channel 4 short film called Granpa about losing a grandparent, although not relevant to the OP it might help someone else -

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Granpa

The book is not as good but the film is incredible, I watched it endlessly when I was little (shortly after my granddad died - god bless my dad for watching it with me all those times...). It's child-friendly but extremely sad for adults!

I think it's on youtube.

QuinnElle · 18/05/2018 22:15

Reported

Truth hurts. You ok hun?

OP, we explained to DS in the same way as pp have suggested, that the person has got old and like flowers etc do has died, quite factual but age appropriate. None of this gone to sleep, scary for children, stuff. Just that people/plants/animals die when they get old or their body can't "cope" anymore. We had a child die and had to adapt the old to cope with injury.

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