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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find out the sex without DP knowing?

78 replies

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:05

Hear me out. DP and I have discussed finding out the sex of our unborn baby. He has been very honest with me and told me he wants a boy, but doesn't want to find out until baby is born. He's worried that if he finds out at the scan he will be disappointed that it's a girl and thinks he would be happy either way at the birth as he would just be concerned that baby was ok.

I'm torn. I am not bothered if we find out or not but am so concerned that he's going to be disappointed if it's a girl. It's ruining my pregnancy and I want to know for my own sanity so I can enjoy the next 5 months a little more. I'm upset he even mentioned that he could be disappointed and I'm now in a position where I'm considering having a 'secret scan' to put my mind at rest and let me prepare for his reaction.

This is deceptive I know, however I don't really know what else to do to ease my anxiety. I've tried talking to him but he says he can't help how he feels and for me not to worry. He's always been a little too honest at times, it's not always a good thing!!

What do I do? Find out and allow myself time to prepare for his reaction, or not find out and spend the rest of my pregnancy riddled with anxiety.

I'd like to add that I suffer from OCD and generalised anxiety which I used to be medicated for. Things like this I find incredibly difficult to deal with and it's having a significant effect on me.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/05/2018 18:08

If it is a girl though won't he know something is wrong because you'll find it hard to hide your worry?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 16/05/2018 18:09

He can get out of the room and you find out at your normale scan. His decision to choose not to know does not overrule your decision to know.

Original poster

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:10

@GreatDuckCookery genuinely don't think that would be an issue.
@EatTheChocolateTeapot if he knew I found out he would absolutely be able to tell by my reaction whether it's a boy or girl or not!

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 16/05/2018 18:12

I think if he has a strong preference to the point where he worries he will be disappointed then he has an obligation to find out now and 'come to terms' (get over himself) tbh. Pregnancy is stressful enough without you having to worry about his reaction to the baby's sex. I would get the scan and I wouldn't be hiding the results from him either.

Original poster

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:13

@LunaTrap I'm worried that if I found out and told him he would be upset that I didn't respect the fact that he didn't want to know. Again, causing anxiety or a row. I'm just so anxious about this whole thing.

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 16/05/2018 18:16

I understand OP, I just think it is really crappy that he is putting you in this situation. If he had anything about him he would be taking whatever steps necessary to negate any disappointment at his child's birth and protect the mental health of his pregnant partner. Maybe he can't help having such a strong preference but he can help how he deals with it and he should certainly be protecting you from it.

Wannabecitygirl · 16/05/2018 18:17

If you find out it’s a girl won’t you just spend the rest of the pregnancy fretting even more ?

bettybyebye · 16/05/2018 18:17

I think (gently) that you are both overthinking this, which is easily done! When I was pregnant with DC1 I was desperate for a girl and chose not to find out beforehand. Lo and behold I had a DS and was thoroughly delighted and loved him to bits. When expecting DC2 I actually wanted another boy and again chose not to find out - can you guess what’s coming?! - DD was the best surprise ever!
In your position I would decide to have a surprise, try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy and I am utterly certain you will both be absolutely delighted by your new baby, boy or girl

Deadmouse · 16/05/2018 18:18

DH was desperate for a boy, jumping ahead of himself planning out life with him etc we didn't find out as he would have felt disappointed at the point of the scan but at the point of birth when she was in fact a girl he blubbed his eyes out and has worshipped the ground she walks on ever since! Don't find out, he is definitely not going to witness the birth of his baby and not feel anything but overwhelming love and joy!

cherrytrees123 · 16/05/2018 18:18

If it were me, I would want to know. He will love the baby whatever when he or she is born. It will give him time to adjust. I would tell him you need to know , so if he doesn't he needs to leave the room. You have a right to know if you want to. I bet he will want to know too once you do.

Wannabecitygirl · 16/05/2018 18:19

Also, he’ll be fine with either gender once baby is born! It’s all so emotional he’ll just be relieved you're both ok!

user139328237 · 16/05/2018 18:19

You can't find out until after its born and developed enough able to tell you what it identifies as anyway...

Original poster

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:19

@LunaTrap thank you. I just hate that I've got to the point that I'm considering doing something behind his back. I only get to be pregnant for another 5 months and I feel like this is the only way I can truly enjoy it. He's not a horrible person by any means he's just unbelievably blunt and honest and lacks in tact at times! I feel selfish even typing this here!

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 16/05/2018 18:20

I don't think OP should have to wait 5 months and cross her fingers that he is overjoyed in the delivery room when she says it is impacting on her mental health and ruining her pregnancy.

FeralBeryl · 16/05/2018 18:20

I wouldn't do it.
We didn't find out with DC1 who was male, I was keen to find out for DC2 (female) but DH stated. -and I quote "I don't want to look at a screen and feel disappointed for even 1 second, because the minute 'it' arrives safely I know I won't care what flavour it is"

How could I argue with that? Plus, if you find out in your own - you WILL slip up/buy something pink/blue, concentrate mode on certain names.

Original poster

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:22

@user139328237 I think you're referring to gender as opposed to sex.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2018 18:23

He should be happy and grateful for what ever child he gets. Preference is one thing disapointment Is another. He's massively unfair putting this worry on you in your condition and at what should be a joyous time.

Why is he so against having a girl.
Boys are more for their mums, anyway and girls go for their dads.

Original poster

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:25

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I have no idea. He has a girl already. It's just really hard for me to know he wants a boy, he's already got a girl, and if we do have a girl I'm going to constantly wonder whether he's disappointed or whah he's feeling. I might be over thinking but regardless of that, this is affecting my pregnancy profoundly.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 16/05/2018 18:25

Why does his wish not to find out override your wish to find out?
Don't go behind his back but tell him you want to know. He can decide then if you tell him or not.

Fwiw i think finding out now is best. I really wanted a girl first time, we found out it was a boy ... by the time he was born i was just thrilled to be a mum. I'd completely forgotten that there was ever a possibility he might have been a different sex.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2018 18:26

Plus if he's wanting a boy to do boyish things with. A women i know has 2 brothers she goes to the match with her dad and her brothers go shopping with their mum, so Wether or not a child has a Penis is sometimes neither here nor there

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2018 18:27

Well if it is a girl you could tell him it's his own doing after all the sex is determined by the male. Women have no influence over it

Luxembourgmama · 16/05/2018 18:27

I was the same as your DP I was so desperate for a girl that we didn't find out. My DH thought it was odd at first but respected my wishes

Original poster

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:27

@honeylulu his wish doesn't override mine. If I find out, he will absolutely know by my reaction after whether it's a boy or girl.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 16/05/2018 18:29

If you haven't had your 20 week scan yet could you ask the hospital to 'accidentally' let it slip what the sex is? I know that might not be feasible in some places but my hospital would do that, the sonographers are lovely and communicate very closely with the midwives.

I wouldn't go for a private scan though, that would feel rather calculated and would have upset my DH that I had got to see baby again without him.

Bluelady · 16/05/2018 18:29

OP, I had my son in the dark ages when scans didn't exist. I desperately wanted a girl, it would have ruined my pregnancy if I'd known I was having a boy. When he was born I didn't give a shit that he was a boy. Your partner has it exactly right.

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