to find out the sex without DP knowing?

[CaraDeanna]

Hear me out. DP and I have discussed finding out the sex of our unborn baby. He has been very honest with me and told me he wants a boy, but doesn't want to find out until baby is born. He's worried that if he finds out at the scan he will be disappointed that it's a girl and thinks he would be happy either way at the birth as he would just be concerned that baby was ok.

I'm torn. I am not bothered if we find out or not but am so concerned that he's going to be disappointed if it's a girl. It's ruining my pregnancy and I want to know for my own sanity so I can enjoy the next 5 months a little more. I'm upset he even mentioned that he could be disappointed and I'm now in a position where I'm considering having a 'secret scan' to put my mind at rest and let me prepare for his reaction.

This is deceptive I know, however I don't really know what else to do to ease my anxiety. I've tried talking to him but he says he can't help how he feels and for me not to worry. He's always been a little too honest at times, it's not always a good thing!!

What do I do? Find out and allow myself time to prepare for his reaction, or not find out and spend the rest of my pregnancy riddled with anxiety.

I'd like to add that I suffer from OCD and generalised anxiety which I used to be medicated for. Things like this I find incredibly difficult to deal with and it's having a significant effect on me.

I think if he finds out before the baby is born it will give him a better chance to let it set in if it’s a girl. It’s a more sensible option than a baby girl being handed to him and him failing to bond in some way. Not saying that would happen but I know when I was convinced my third DC was a boy and she turned out to be a girl, I was really shocked and I took a while to come to terms with it (and I really didn’t care what sex she was, I just had a boys name set in my head.)

I found out the sex of dc2 by mistake and kept it to myself. I can’t really remember why although dh does have trouble keeping his mouth shut.

Your DH has said he wants to wait and will manage his feelings on the day. As a grown adult he is aware that the odds of a girl are at so another girl cannot be a total surprise or crushing disappointment.

Talk again and tell him you need to revisit the idea of finding out together at your next scan. If he’s really against it and you don’t really want to know then leave it be and have lots of discussions along the way about names, future plans etc etc.

Your anxiety is creating a problem that in reality doesn’t exist: he’s told you he is cool with not knowing.

NRTFT but if I were you, I'd say to him that this whole gender thing is making you feel anxious. That you would, for your mental health, like to find out the gender of the baby and it's up to him whether he wants to know too.

I can't tell you anything other than that, I've not had a baby so I don't know about the emotions but I do know about anxiety and if it's stressing you out and then I'm sure it is with the baby too. My body went through an awful lot when I was anxious.