to find out the sex without DP knowing?

[CaraDeanna]

Hear me out. DP and I have discussed finding out the sex of our unborn baby. He has been very honest with me and told me he wants a boy, but doesn't want to find out until baby is born. He's worried that if he finds out at the scan he will be disappointed that it's a girl and thinks he would be happy either way at the birth as he would just be concerned that baby was ok.

I'm torn. I am not bothered if we find out or not but am so concerned that he's going to be disappointed if it's a girl. It's ruining my pregnancy and I want to know for my own sanity so I can enjoy the next 5 months a little more. I'm upset he even mentioned that he could be disappointed and I'm now in a position where I'm considering having a 'secret scan' to put my mind at rest and let me prepare for his reaction.

This is deceptive I know, however I don't really know what else to do to ease my anxiety. I've tried talking to him but he says he can't help how he feels and for me not to worry. He's always been a little too honest at times, it's not always a good thing!!

What do I do? Find out and allow myself time to prepare for his reaction, or not find out and spend the rest of my pregnancy riddled with anxiety.

I'd like to add that I suffer from OCD and generalised anxiety which I used to be medicated for. Things like this I find incredibly difficult to deal with and it's having a significant effect on me.

My ex partner was obsessed with having a boy and naming him Julian. I was just obsessed with not giving my child that stupid name so I agreed to find out. It was a girl and tbh I was delighted- I would've been either way but really wanted a girl. He sulked for about three days then got over it. He's now obsessed with her. It's not fair to put you in this position OP and I'd be worried about you finding out it's a girl without him? I'd be super inclined to wait. Once he/she is here it'll all be fine x

He'd be better off finding out, then he has a few months to give his head a wobble before the birth. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your pregnancy worrying about this.

In your situation I would honestly just find out. He should be prioritizing your welfare instead of telling you that he might be disappointed by the baby you are carrying. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. I had terrible pregnancies- severe hyperemesis, ante natal depression and anxiety and if my partner has even hinted that he might be disappointed by our baby it would have tipped me over the edge tbh. IMO he should have kept it to himself but since he chose to tell you then he needs to do whatever is necessary to reassure you.

I think my anxiety is a little out of control. The worry and angst this is causing me is too much. I might seem calculated and selfish but anyone who has suffered with severe anxiety will know what my current head state might be.

He has it exactly right for himself bluelady, having dumped his feelings on his pregnant partner. Not so much for her though.

@LunaTrap you have just described exactly how I feel.

There’s a thread on dadsnet about a dad who was devastated he was having a girl. He recently put an update where he says she was the best thing that ever happens and he wants another girl! I’ll try and find it and you can show him the dads response.

I found out and kept it to myself. I knew I was going to have another boy so needed to get the thought of any future daughter out of my head. DP wanted a surprise and I didn’t ruin it for him. It was hard knowing and not telling anyone.

In this case id actually go against his wishes and find out... and id tell him. Personally I would not want the fear that he would be upset about the gender in the delivery room. I couldnt deal with that as well as giving birth. So id want him to find out the gender now and get over any negative feelings he may have about it BEFORE you actually give birth... so that you dont have the added stress of worrying about that when trying to have the baby!

OP it might be worth chatting with your midwife about your anxiety. I kept mine bottled up and ended up with quite bad PND after my last pregnancy. Wishing you well whatever you decide to do

@Nesssie that makes me feel worse! He already has a girl and it certainly hasn't had that effect on him! Oh man...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dadsnet/2482552-Very-upset-at-girl-instead-of-boy-please-help-me-see-sense

His final update:

Just in case anyone is reading this in the future after a google search trying to grapple with their emotions, and also to update all you wonderful folk.

She was born healthy and I felt such incredible love for this little thing I honestly didn't know what love meant till I had her on my lap 5mins after she was born and she opened her eyes and gazed into mine for the first time.

Since then I've been smitten. Looking back at the post I honestly don't know how or why I felt like that at the time. It seems so surreal.

In fact, we've just had number two, and when I found it was going to be a boy my heart sunk - I had gender disappointment again! My daughter was so amazing all I wanted was another girl! I never expected that either.

Lastly, for me it has been an important lesson. I never understood (or trusted) women before (except my mum and wife) and so the last two years has helped me see things in a completely different light. I needed this.

So in summary, to anyone who's feeling like I did a couple of years ago - DON'T WORRY AT ALL. Everything people have said about getting over it instantly is 100% true. I'd have never believed it but it is. And perhaps things happen for a reason.

And the dads update:

Thank you @LunaTrap - you've been a big help

Oh dear

if he knew I found out he would absolutely be able to tell by my reaction whether it's a boy or girl or not!

You’re the pregnant woman, you and your mental and physical well-being is the priority. Find out and tell him you won’t be able to keep it secret so you’ll be divulging. He needs to get a grip of himself and this self indulgent nonsense.

@nessie In fact, we've just had number two, and when I found it was going to be a boy my heart sunk - I had gender disappointment again! My daughter was so amazing all I wanted was another girl! I never expected that either.

So he wanted a girl and when he found out he was having a boy his heart sank? I really do appreciate you trying to make me feel better but this has just demonstrated exactly what I'm scared of!

With our first DH wanted a boy. We didn't find out but both had a strong gut feeling it was a boy. It was a girl and DH was visibly disappointed. Coupled with her being a very challenging baby, he didn't really bond with her for about 6 months. He absolutely adores her now though and wouldn't change a thing. 2nd baby we decided to find out. He still wanted a boy and didn't want to feel any disappointment at the birth, give himself time to accept that he'll never have a son and move on before the baby arrived. We had a boy but if it was another girl it still would have taken the worry out of the rest of the pregnancy.
From my own experiences I think you should discuss it with him again, try and make him come round to your way of thinking.

I find it odd that he is so against a girl when he already has one. Is he a good Dad to her?

@LunaTrap he's a wonderful father. He adores her. We only want one child however and he would like a boy as he already has a girl. Not sure if he has this fantasy image in his head of football and boy stuff!

But he's already said he won't mind AFTER the birth. I honestly think life was a lot easier when we just had to wait until the birth to find out. Maybe nature planned things that way for a reason.

@Bluelady I'm not convinced.

Oh man. Don't know what to do!

I think he was just pointing out that he was initially so upset about having a girl until he actually met her and now wants another. And has the gender disappointment all over again. But once the baby is born your feelings change.

@Nesssie I think everything will be ok I'm just mega stressed and probably not thinking straight. Just want my anxiety to go away.

Cara does he actually know how utterly ill this is making you feel?
Or has the conversation been all about him and his feelings then END.

I really feel you need to find a good time soon and sit him down and talk about this. If he is a decent man, he'll be horrified at you being put under all this extra pressure.

I'd also have a chat with your midwife who knows you and your relevant history.

It's imperative that your mental health is protected during pregnancy. Not some passing disappointment from a father who will undoubtedly be besotted post birth.

OP. Nothing anyone here says is going to reassure you, this is your OCD and anxiety panicking you.
Your partner shouldn't have dumped this on you though. The ball is in your court but I do strongly advise you to talk to your midwife about your anxiety levels.
from another sufferer.