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Original poster

to find out the sex without DP knowing?

78 replies

CaraDeanna · 16/05/2018 18:05

Hear me out. DP and I have discussed finding out the sex of our unborn baby. He has been very honest with me and told me he wants a boy, but doesn't want to find out until baby is born. He's worried that if he finds out at the scan he will be disappointed that it's a girl and thinks he would be happy either way at the birth as he would just be concerned that baby was ok.

I'm torn. I am not bothered if we find out or not but am so concerned that he's going to be disappointed if it's a girl. It's ruining my pregnancy and I want to know for my own sanity so I can enjoy the next 5 months a little more. I'm upset he even mentioned that he could be disappointed and I'm now in a position where I'm considering having a 'secret scan' to put my mind at rest and let me prepare for his reaction.

This is deceptive I know, however I don't really know what else to do to ease my anxiety. I've tried talking to him but he says he can't help how he feels and for me not to worry. He's always been a little too honest at times, it's not always a good thing!!

What do I do? Find out and allow myself time to prepare for his reaction, or not find out and spend the rest of my pregnancy riddled with anxiety.

I'd like to add that I suffer from OCD and generalised anxiety which I used to be medicated for. Things like this I find incredibly difficult to deal with and it's having a significant effect on me.

OP posts:
Gorilly · 17/05/2018 11:49

You'll need to talk to him again and tell him about you booking a scan. He can decide whether or not he goes.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/05/2018 11:56

When it's born it won't matter what it is, he will love it regardless. Don't find out the sex without telling him

Dogsmom · 17/05/2018 11:58

Your anxiety wouldn't go away unless the scan showed a boy.

I really think he needs to find out beforehand so he can get used to the idea before the birth, you have enough stress just being pregnant without this and it's the least he can do to help especially as it's him who caused the anxiety in the first place.

I had strong preferences for girls both times and so had a private scan at 16 weeks because I really didn't want even a milliseconds disappointment at the birth, it turns out they were both girls so it was never going to be a problem but it made the remaining months of my pregnancies much less stressful.

mummc2 · 17/05/2018 11:58

I’m similar to you and my Dh didn’t want to know, said he wasn’t fussed what sex but massively hinting for a boy. I had to have extra scans due to family medical things and my Dh couldn’t attend one of them.
I asked the sonographer and he told me almost positively girl. I never told a soul but helped me prepare in my head for when she was born. My Dh was over the moon the minute he saw her and second time round wanted another girl ( he got his wish )
If you decide to have a scan I wouldn’t tell anyone at all as your partner may feel everyone but him knew

dinosaurkisses · 17/05/2018 12:12

You need to speak to him again and lay it out clearly for him.

He sounds a bit like my DH when it comes to being very upfront. He had a slight preference for a boy when I was in early pregnancy, and I was dying to know the sex so we found out at 20 weeks. If DH was disappointed he certainly didn’t show it- he’d picked the girl’s name so we started calling her that straight away, and by the time my due date came he was saying it was hard to imagine ever wanting a boy.

Him saying he doesn’t want to find out (totally fine and his prerogative) but then saying he has a strong preference for a boy is so unfair on you. Basically teeing you up to spend the next five months like Anne Boleyn praying that you’ll deliver him a son and robbing you of a worry free pregnancy.

Asheth · 17/05/2018 12:35

I agree with your DH. When I was expecting DC3 after two boys, I was hoping for a girl. If I'd had a scan telling me it was a DS, I would have been upset. As it was when DS3 was born, I was delighted and fell in love at first sight!

A scan is just more abstract than the baby. It's still more of an 'idea' of a baby rather than the real thing, which is always more wonderful than any imagined baby! If that makes sense.

I chose not to have a scan because in my heart I knew I would never be disappointed in my real baby, but I could be disappointed by this shadowy image on a screen. Your DH has said the same thing. If he has another DD he will love her own unique personality just as every parent does who have children of just one sex.

Bisquick · 17/05/2018 12:38

OP you know I’d chat again with him and discuss finding out together.

When I was pregnant last year I desperately wanted a boy. Only because I’d lost my son in a stillbirth a few months prior and in my grief-addled mind I wanted another boy to mend the hole in my heart. DH strongly wanted the baby to be a girl so we treat her as a completely different person. We found out at 8 weeks and I have to admit I cried for a minute to DH when they told us it would be a girl. I’m glad I got it out of the way then, and grew used to the idea of her over the rest of the pregnancy. I’ve never since regretted that she is a girl, and I love her more than life.. and I’m glad I didn’t have any such conflicting emotions in the operating theatre when they pulled her out.

Littlemuster · 17/05/2018 13:04

This baby is your Dh's second child and he doesn't want the same as before?
However, if this baby is a girl - she's your only girl. DH is being beyond selfish, taking away excitement for you that you may have a daughter to treasure.
He may be better off finding out at the birth as the news also comes with meeting the actual baby. However, if he builds up a boy in his mind he may go through someone akin to grief, losing the child he imagined.
I'd go for the disappointment now as he can get over himself, you can get excited and there's no huge dark clouds looming over the delivery.

goose1964 · 17/05/2018 13:18

We had similar with DGS1, his mum wanted to know but dad didn't. We spent the rest of the pregnancy saying he and then quickly adding or girl, so he didn't find out. I'm surprised he didn't realise but he didn't.

The best way is not to tell anyone, not even your really close brother, or he'll tell your mum who luckily can keep a secret (DGS3)

BarbarianMum · 17/05/2018 13:31

I think this is your anxiety talking. Lots of people have a preference for a boy or girl and are then fine with whatever they get.

grubblyplank · 17/05/2018 13:39

I found out what my second child was without telling my dh, as he didn't want to know. I did it to prepare DC1, although I had a very strong suspicion of what it was and I was right. To this day, he still doesn't know that I did find out.

If you do find out, you will need to be able to keep a poker face so as not to alert him that you do know.

I think it's irrelevant - once baby is here he will love it regardless and disappointment will be the furthest thing from his mind.

blacklister · 17/05/2018 13:51

I wouldn't do it behind his back. However I was in a similar position, he didn't want to know and I did, so I told him it was my body, and my choice so I would be finding out. However, as he didn't want to know he left the room at the end of the 20 week scan so the sonographer could tell me and I haven't told a soul. I've also lied when anyone asks me and just said 'we don't know' because 1) I don't want people badgering me to tell them and 2) it's not fair on him for anyone else to know if he doesn't.

But then, I only wanted to know for me, not to go clothes shopping or announce it.

It'd be pretty mean to do it sneakily - plus you might slip up! I told DH before I knew that I was going to continue to say he and she so that he didn't figure it out.

fairislecable · 17/05/2018 14:06

We already had 1 boy and 1 girl when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with twins. DH did not want to know the sex so at one of the many scans he was not there the sonographer told me one was a girl.

I told no one and hugged my secret until the birth.

My right to know - his right to wait. You can do it.

Original poster
CaraDeanna · 17/05/2018 14:50

@grubblyplank did you regret finding out?

OP posts:
jamoncrumpets · 17/05/2018 14:56

Honestly, OP? You can't manage his feelings or his disappointment. Juggling his feelings on top of your own, obviously anxious, feelings is too much for you to bear. He may feel disappointed. You may feel upset about that. He will get over it. So will you. You can't change or control how he reacts or how you react, regardless of when you find out the gender.

Do you want to know the gender?

Original poster
CaraDeanna · 17/05/2018 15:15

@jamon I'm not desperate to find out, or desperate for a surprise either. After multiple miscarriages I'm just happy I'm having a baby - not bothered in the slightest about the sex!

OP posts:
RomeoBunny · 17/05/2018 15:17

He needs to know so if it is a girl he still has several months to bond with the baby in your belly and get used to the idea.

Scrumptiousbears · 17/05/2018 15:19

I wanted boys during both my pregnancies and DP didn't mind. We found out at 30 week scan. I was disappointed for a few days then moved on. If he strong doesn't want to know and you really don't care either way then respect his strong desire and leave it. He will get over himself at the birth. Trust me.

RomeoBunny · 17/05/2018 15:22

I was very glad we found for certain. I was convinced our baby was a girl and was overjoyed when the NHS scan said 'probably' a girl. It didn't sit right though as I'd seen exactly what they'd seen and from reasearch online it looked like a boy (we saw a cross section of his bum area as they scanned down and I saw his bits). Paid for a private scan and I was right. It was a boy.

I was (stupidly I know) heartbroken for a few hours as I'd built up this little 'girl' in my head.

If that had happened at the birth (which was awful anyway) I don't know how I would have reacted. I was nuts with the hormones and stress.

I love my little boy more than life. He is the funniest, happiest little bundle of love. But I am very, very glad I found out.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/05/2018 15:26

i think you need to talk it through with him and let him know how you are feeling. I thing ultimately you finding out secretly won't help because if it's a girl you will feel anxiety about his reaction and if it's a boy you will feell anxiety at the fact you have lied. I suffer from anxiety too and if I am in that place resolving one thing won't stop me from obsessing about another. You really need to talk to him and let him know that he has burdened you with this. He needs to know how you feel and appreciate it for another time when this sort of thing might happen. He needs to be less selfish about sharing. He should rrwlise that he shoukd have confided in someone else in this case.

Ultimately though I think it's normal if you plan to have 2 children to feek you would like one of each. He definitely won't be disappointed when he/she is born so I think your aim is to give the burden back to him and enjoy the pregnancy.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/05/2018 15:26

Why does he want a boy so much?
I don't think it's deceptive at all. It's not up to him. It's your body the baby is inside so it's your choice to find out anything you like about it.
I'd tell him I'm finding out and it's up to him if he wants to know as well but either way he cannot be outwardly upset about the sex of the child he is being completely unreasonable.

DeadGood · 17/05/2018 15:32

Before you go in, ask the practitioner to write it down on a piece of paper for you. If possible do this without your partner knowing.
I agree that going for a while separate scan feels more duplicitous than my idea above.

LunaTrap · 17/05/2018 15:34

Sorry for hear that you have had multiple miscarriages. To me that just makes his comments about his potential disappointment even worse and makes me think even more that you should do whatever you need to to make the pregnancy easier for you.

postcardsfrom · 17/05/2018 15:36

Tell him to wise up. Then tell him to think about all the things he's going to do with a boy - season ticket at the footie? teach him cricket? Share hobbies? Get him a puppy? buy him a beer on his 18th? teach him to drive? take him out in the van? Build stuff with him? And then explain that he can do, quite literally, the same things with a daughter, barring taking a slash together at a urinal. My dad had 2 girls and we went to footie, mucked about in the van with him, go to the pub, play sport, and yes he was allowed to get us a puppy not a kitten. And we built endless go carts and the rest of it.
Oh and tell him you;re going to find out anyway, so he needs to get a bucking grip on himself so that you don;t need to worry about letting it slip. FFS>

grubblyplank · 17/05/2018 16:25

@CaraDeanna not one bit.

We were both fine with either but DC1 wanted a sister and was against a little brother. I found out to manage those expectations for her.

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