To wonder how the hell drs, nurses and surgeons cope with dealing with death and emotional distressing situations as a regular occurance

[LardLizard]

Like the ones that work in areas of high stress like surgery or a and e etc

Just been watching the bbc documentary about waiting for organ donation and it’s got me thinking

I was thinking that last night, watching a programme about the Manchester bombing. It must be incredibly difficult for them.

Worst of all must be telling an unsuspecting person that a family member has died. It must take such strength to do that.

Hollow I wonder f they just emotionally kinda disconnect when they do that
I guess some can and some can’t

I don't know, you cope at the time, you have a huge list of things that MUST be done, then after that, you go, you put the kettle on, you cry with your colleagues then you go home to your family and you hold your babies close, I go in and look at them sleeping and safe and well and feel fucking lucky but know that life changes in an instant.

Tragedy comes through those doors and that I suppose is what motivates you, you have a job to do, you have vital tasks to perform, they need to be done NOW, then what's next to be done...and so it goes.

These things, these people, affect you, deeply. It's hard.

Some of them can't so never enter the profession, try different disciplines and if that doesn't work completely leave.

Others cope for a while and then end up with mental health, alcohol or other problems.

Others cope by having close friends and family, who they know will keep their mouths shut due to patient confidentially, just listen. (I'm in that category which is why I know.)

Surgeons tend not to get emotional with people at work whether they are colleagues or patients as they know they work in an area where their mistakes can cause death and even if they don't make a mistake someone can die anyway.

BTW I've seen friends' dumped because the person they dated can't cope with the fact that their work involves dealing with people , regardless of age, who can just die.

I think it just depends on the person and their personality. I would never be able to work on a children's ward for example and have to see very poorly children. I work in a non patient facing role and read and hear a lot of upsetting things. I was talking to a friend about it and she said she couldn't do what I do, which surprised me as it doesn't really bother me most of the time, apart from the odd one where certain things play on my mind. Honestly though, I have ASD and a real lack of empathy and I think there are times where that can be useful!

And the police too. When I was 17, a friend got caught speeding far too fast. The policeman said to her, "when you go round that corner too fast and come off the road and don't make it, I'm the one that has to find the pieces.

And then go and tell your mum what happened."

Made us all think.

I'm a nurse and whilst I don't have many patients that die, when they do it is usually through suicide, ligatures are a common method as prisoners have limited resources to end their life with.

I cry every time one dies. That's why I treat everyone like I would my father or my brother, because they are important to someone else regardless of what they have done.

But yes, we cry. We then make a strong cup of tea and go back to work. That's what I'm paid to do, I still have 100 other patients to look after, they still need me, and ultimately that's what keeps me going...

Same as police. I've seen a lot, as has every one of my ex colleagues. You find a way to cope... Or you don't.

Not a medical person but work with medical people from all fields in a certain capacity. I am told time and time again that people "work hard and then party hard" to cope. It's worrying.

Some cope, some don't.

I've worked in very high stress environments with a certain amount of trauma and death. I coped because I have a very stable family and home life, I talk to people about things, I'm fairly good at disconnecting, I'm definitely a stress-seeker, I'm lucky my MH is good.
If any of those things doesn't line up, I've seen people with PTSD and having breakdowns and not coping.

I used to be a nurse.
A lot of it for me was about being able to do something to help in an awful situation.
Even giving news of a death or a terrible diagnosis , there is a chance to do it well, and emotionally hold the person you are talking to. Sometimes All you can do is be kind, and it becomes hugely important to the receiver. It’s very humanising.

It gives you a lot of perspective on life, and lots of gratitude.

I still work with people who are suffering, But less on the coal face, more with long term effects of trauma. Debriefing in both professions is really key.

Our next door neighbour is a fairly senior ICU nurse. She has seen it all and takes everything in her stride; I've spoken to her about her work often and she's always said that she has a tough streak that keeps her going when things get difficult; she never flaps or panics, but she says instead of becoming immune to death and people being badly injured, she focusses everything on knowing she's done all she can and held her team together for that person. That's her way of 'coping' if you will.

I can well believe it, too; a few months ago there was a fairly nasty car accident outside our house. I sent the DCs to the neighbours, helped a young man from one car and was on the phone to the police, meanwhile she'd shot out of bed (after a 12 hour shift so she was exhausted) and had everyone organised inside five minutes, including assessing who was most injured and what needed to be done for them. It was amazing to watch (and I'm the least-flappable person I know - this was a whole new level of practicality).

I watched the programme with the heart surgeons on, and wondered how on earth you go home and "wind down" after having a day like that. We all have crappy days but some have them in a completely different league.

I did 3 years working as a HCA, and burned out. I couldn't handle the constant battle with death, it kept me awake at 4am. Especially dealing with devastated relatives. I was going to train as a nurse, that's why I got the care experience but knew it wasn't for me. I take my hat off to anyone that can balance work and life dealing with that on a daily basis.

Ex A&E here. In my experience most people deal with it via emotional detachment with alcohol as the back up. I left years ago, not because of this but because it was not the sort of job compatible with having kids and it got to a point where the amount of shit you were expected to put up with was preposterous. Staffing slashed, budgets slashed, huge increase in admin. Essentially it became an environment that exposed patients to higher risk in order to save $$ and at the same time doctors to higher liability. Add in more patients who were utter arseholes than those who weren’t.

Surgeons can never win. Most completely detach emotionally in order to be able to fully concentrate on the technical aspect of their job and are then labelled as hard/uncaring/no bedside manner etc.

The other thing is some people are just good in a crisis and I'm not sure it can be taught or acquired.

I've seen emergencies where some people break down completely and some people get icy calm and efficient. Including the oddest people. I was in a serious incident where the most heroic person was a young offender I worked with. Makes sense I suppose. He'd have made an excellent paramedic! I tend to deal at the time then freak out later.

I was an ITU nurse for 4 years

There are patients I will never forget, hideous, tragic accidents.

It's dealt with by dark humour, crying with colleagues, families and on your own in the car before you drive home, and alcohol.

It changed who I am as a person, my priorities and what I worry about

I think it's because you can put your emotions to one side when you need to. It's not that you don't get upset or angry or whatever, it just that you know that to do your job properly you have to be thinking clearly. You deal with the emotions later, once the things you need to do have been done. A lot of it is in the training, but I have not found it a skill that has been difficult to learn. Sometimes it is ok to show some emotion- being sorry that a patient you know quite well or have looked after for a while is now heading towards the end of life, for instance, can be appropriate. Being in floods of tears would not be, but showing that you are genuinely sorry can be helpful for the patient, the family and yourself.

I talk to close family- my mum especially, but my partner too. It's not that seeing death or severe illness and distress don't upset me, they can do, but I am able to put my feelings to one side when it is needed.

Another thing that helps me cope is to see it as my job to make sure that my patient has the best care, accepting not everything can be fixed and helping them manage their symptoms so they can live as well as possible right until the end of their life, when it becomes my job to ensure they have as good and peaceful a death as possible. In cases of sudden illness/deterioration, it's the same principle.

Actually, I wish we as a society were more accepting of death- especially in the frail elderly- and would let them go without trying to put them through all sorts of investigations or treatment "just in case". I do see this at work and quite often it is more about what the family wants than what the person wants or is in their best interest. I have had patients tell me they wish their family would let it be as they "have had enough" but feel they ought to keep trying new things or fight on because their family are so distraught at the prospect of their loved one "giving up". I actually find it harder, emotionally, dealing with that situation than one where someone is clearly dying or dies suddenly and it's a shock for their family.

I'm an a&e nurse. Dark humour gets the team I work with through alot. I personally pride myself on making sure I've tried my hardest, if I know the team and myself have it makes it easier.. If everything was done to save someone who's died, it becomes less distressing somehow.

Of course there are times when people die and it's heartbreaking and frustrating, a good cry and a glass of wine at home always helps.

I'm friends with some people I work with too so I think that helps, i can talk about things with them even when they haven't been on shift but they understand the emotion behind it.

I work in an upsetting area. People getting really bad news. I don't actually witness them die anymore but I know their prognosis is very poor. They cry. They look despairing. Some are young. Some have tiny babies or are trying to conceive. Some are engaged. Some are single parents. We have had a run of youngish people with Stage 4 diagnoses lately, it's upset us all.

I did a course on what to say and what not to say, that helped. It gives you tools. Makes you feel less vulnerable.

But I find it hard to shake it off. I'm not especially religious but I do pray for them. They don't know anything about it of course but it's good for me mentally. There's nothing else I can do for them except a soft voice and a gentle touch.

I used to be on a ward where I saw a lot of death as it was geriatric. That's not so bad. Also am in Ireland where death is revered on the wards, so that helps. We light candles and everything.

I find this far tougher.

Honestly, every nurse I know who's survived more than a decade in the profession gets really hardened. I find myself being very dispassionate about things that I know should evoke an emotional response (in and out of work). It's not that I don't care (I do) but I couldn't function in my daily job without having a bit of an emotional shut down.

Just out of interest, is this why nurses (and doctors) come across as quite hard and uncaring? Nurses in particular seem to be very much 'oh you're fine, just get on with it' unless a limb is hanging off, I've even heard them admit that.

I've been nursing for 25 years. Some acute, ED and HD but then community/school/primary care.

Obviously less trauma etc in primary care but the flip side is we really get to know many of our patients and their families, so when we see them regularly they become more "personal". To then travel their journey with them through disease, death, loss, bereavement, life changing illness etc is tough. I have been to patient's funerals; I have cried with families and patients. Not weeping and wailing crying, but a tear and a hug. I'm only human.

However you do have to dissociate a lot. At the end of the day they're not MY family or friend so I'm not as invested as I would otherwise be.

Having been through a fair bit of trauma and devastation myself and living with a child with complex SN and health issues means I think I am a better nurse - more empathetic, more understanding. However it also means my tolerance level for bullshit and time wasters is lower.

My husband is. Chemo nurse and he started attending church to cope he didn’t believe in god I was more 50/50 than him hate religion now not devout but prays a lot