To think that someone involved in alternative sexual practices won’t be able to be happy without it.

[Namechangestress]

So, this is the situation. I’m in love with the most wonderful man. We’ve known each other for 18 months and I’ve spent most of that time falling in love with him and just assumed it would fizzle out. It hasn’t, he says he feels the same, I want him.

It should be that simple, but he’s heavily involved in alternative sexual practices, think bdsm. I’m fine with that part, in fact, I think I’d probably follow him to the ends of the earth, but.. he’s also into group sex, the BDSM club scene etc. He has been clear that he wouldn’t look for sex elsewhere without me knowing, but would want to consider that at some point in the future. It’s a nonnegotiable for me, it isn’t who I am.

So, if I have a relationship with him - will he be happy with just me? AIBU to think that I could never make him happy and that despite the strength of my feelings for him, this relationship is doomed.

He had told you he wants to start again in the future. Trust him.

Mmmm I think the fact he has already said he would want to consider it in the future means it is a key part of who he is. Have you told him it’s not for you? If so how did he react?

I think it may ultimately be road to nowhere sadly, this is quite a big thing

You will end in disaster.

He's being honest with you, which I commend him for. Note that he hasn't said he'll only look elsewhere with your permission, he's said he'll only do it with your knowledge.

I've been there. We both knew we'd never be exclusive, I knew him well enough to know he'd never, ever be faithful. To anyone. So we didn't take it past seeing each other non exclusively. The first time he slept with someone else confirmed for me I'm just not into that in a relationship so we cooled things off and remained great friends.

if you're not happy being with him in an open relationship then yes, it's doomed. I'm sorry, as I can see you like him a lot. But in a way you're lucky you got to find this out now instead of believing you were serious and monogamous then finding out he's cheated. He's done you a real favour.

I didn’t explain that well Racecar. He wouldn’t look elsewhere in the future, but might want to consider whether I would change my mind on the group sex dynamic, ie, we can park it and see how I feel about it down the line.

I’m fine with that part, in fact, I think I’d probably follow him to the ends of the earth that suggests you would do BDSM for him, rather than because it’s erotic for you. That makes me worry about your own boundaries.

He’s telling you who he is: listen.

You say He has been clear that he wouldn’t look for sex elsewhere without me knowing, but would want to consider that at some point in the future and I think this answers your question. He is not looking for a monogamous relationship and doesn't want to abandon the BDSM scene.

He has been honest with you, for which he deserves credit - you need to listen when he's telling you who he is. It's clear you can't accept a non-monogamous relationship so, yes, unfortunately, I don't think the two of you are compatible.

It is who he is, it's not who you are. Either he will be dissatisfied or you will. He's being honest with you which shows he's a good guy

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Are you actually into BDSM? As in, do you genuinely enjoy doing it with him?

The BDSM parties don't necessarily involve shagging others there, but his comment about groups sex shows that's exactly what he wants in his future. BDSM is part of his sexuality and he's unwilling to promise to be monogamous for potentially the rest of your lives, so I think as you know this is who he is, you have to walk away as you both have totally contrasting deal breakers!

The relationship is doomed. You’ll always be wondering what he’s up to and you’ll need regular sexual health checkups if he’s off with other people.

Once the oxytocin high has worn off, love can only survive if you’re both absolutely on the same page. He’s already told you that he will want his version of sexual gratification in the future, so what’s the point in continuing seeing him?

Yikes. He enjoys group sex, end of. He won’t give it up forever. Sorry!

I don't think he would be happy, no. And sorry, but you won't be enough. He thinks he will change your mind. This bit about 'wouldn't look for sex without me knowing' - are you really saying that when he decides he wants an orgy, he's just going to tell you? And that you're going to what? - accept it? Have to leave him? I was in a relationship with someone who liked to do something I didn't: said it was ok, he wanted to make our relationship work, etc: then after a while he started on about it ... over and over, trying to coerce me, getting mean about it, how I was 'denying' him what he wanted ... one day he told me that if I didn't do it he would find it elsewhere (we had a house together, mortgage, engaged, but here he was telling me he was basically open for business with other women). Told him to crack on. I left him and found someone who likes the things I like.

God no woman! You are fundamentally incompatible. He's an exciting shag that's all (well done and enjoy!) But that's all its going to be. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear.

You've told him you will never be into that, and he has still said he'd like to return to it in the future.

You can gamble if you like that in a year's time when he suggests trying it and you say no again he stays with you, happy and fulfilled, not cheating. That's definitely not a gamble I'd take!

Is this just something that's become clear now? When I met a very similar guy he told me all of this the very first time we talked intimately, before we even kissed, before feelings developed. So that I knew what I was getting into. Did this guy do the same?

Your “boundaries” seem off, your whole post is about him, “will I be enough for him”, “would follow him to the ends of the earth” (not romantic) and not how his sexual preferences and words are affecting YOU.

It seems unlikely that remaining in this relationship will be good for YOU.

Sharron, he’s such a wonderful wonderful person, I want him so deeply.

Bdsm had never crossed my mind before, in isolation I’m not interested in it, but the thought of engaging in those practices with him, I find that extremely erotic and I would be completely comfortable engaging in that with him.

But I wouldn’t ever want to do anything sexual or erotic with anyone other than him and I fear that’ll be a problem down the line.

Red flags waving - he’ll oh so kindly park the issue that is a dealbreaker for you “for now” and revisit it later? Ugh. More like he will wait until you feel like you can’t live without him and then coerce you into something you don’t want to do.

I think you need to take a step back and examine his language.

group sex and a non monogomous relationship is not something to be talked into “down the line” when it’s not what you want, just to try and keep a relationship with someone who prioritises their desire for sex with others over their relationship.

To the person who asked when Imhe shared this with me, it was after I’d fallen head over heels in love with him and he had confirmed that he felt the same. I’m into it.. with him, it’s the group sex and the ‘scene’ that are never going to appeal to me.

So, you've been slowly dating for 18 months and still have actually slept with him? Or just not BDSM? Seems odd when he's so into it.

I disagree about the red flags waving. Far from it. If he wanted to get OP hooked then push the group sex he'd have kept quiet. He's been totally up front here so she can decide whether she can take or leave it. I have a lot of respect for that.

I disagree about the red flags waving. Far from it. If he wanted to get OP hooked then push the group sex he'd have kept quiet. He's been totally up front here so she can decide whether she can take or leave it. I have a lot of respect for that.

I completely agree. I think he's a decent bloke who is trying to be fair to the OP.

Op, you will get hurt.

You’ll do what he suggests with the whole bdsm etc and things will be ok....for a while.

Then he WILL want to go to a club and have an orgy because he has told you to expect it.

He will most likely simply suggest for you to ‘try it, you won’t know until you do’ and perhaps he might add ‘if you don’t like it we could leave’ (like he’s going to leave when you’re both there and he’s about to have/give oral or sex to someone in a group situation.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to visualise how you would feel to watch the man you love with someone else in a sexual way and how you would honestly feel.

For me, I’d want to kill them both! It would certainly kill me inside.

If you know it isn’t for for, step away. It’s gojng to end in tears.

Simply, you could say you will NEVER be ok with it and if he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship without it he needs to be upfront and say so.

As it stands it’s just very vague ‘let’s just park it for now and fall in even deeper’. Seems a bit cruel I think if you have been clear?

Walking - no, we haven’t been dating for 18m, we’ve been friends. He didn’t know how I felt about him and vice versa until about two months ago. We haven’t had penetrative sex. We’ve done everything else, a slow introduction into what his interests are like - he’s really very respectful (which I know sounds crazy given what I’ve shared above).

You haven't even had sex yet and he's wanting the two of you to have group sex in the future?

Sorry, the two of you are fundamentally incompatible. You know this I think.