Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that someone involved in alternative sexual practices won’t be able to be happy without it.

78 replies

Namechangestress · 15/05/2018 19:55

So, this is the situation. I’m in love with the most wonderful man. We’ve known each other for 18 months and I’ve spent most of that time falling in love with him and just assumed it would fizzle out. It hasn’t, he says he feels the same, I want him.

It should be that simple, but he’s heavily involved in alternative sexual practices, think bdsm. I’m fine with that part, in fact, I think I’d probably follow him to the ends of the earth, but.. he’s also into group sex, the BDSM club scene etc. He has been clear that he wouldn’t look for sex elsewhere without me knowing, but would want to consider that at some point in the future. It’s a nonnegotiable for me, it isn’t who I am.

So, if I have a relationship with him - will he be happy with just me? AIBU to think that I could never make him happy and that despite the strength of my feelings for him, this relationship is doomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangestress · 15/05/2018 20:23

Somerville, I do know - but I don’t want it to be the case Sad

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/05/2018 20:23

You are way OTT for a two month old relationship.

Original poster
Namechangestress · 15/05/2018 20:26

It was a friendship first though, and I thought I was experiencing unrequited love - I think that’s why I feel so crazy about him.

In reality, I’m a sensible professional with serious responsibilities. I can’t quite match who I am with the way I feel about him.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 15/05/2018 20:27

To the person who asked when Imhe shared this with me, it was after I’d fallen head over heels in love with him and he had confirmed that he felt the same

Oh yeah, sounds like he was really up front.

And says he won’t do it without her knowledge (eg whether she gives permission or not).

I would run a mile.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/05/2018 20:29

I'd run. Why should you change for him?

Original poster
Namechangestress · 15/05/2018 20:31

I definitely wouldn’t change, I couldn’t engage in group sex but I’m wondering whether I could have him without needing to change. I think the consensus is no though.

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/05/2018 20:32

It doesn’t sound like you were actually friends, sounds like it was a prospective relationship for you both. The situation is clearcut: he wants to continue group sex and so on, in addition to a relationship, which won’t work for you.

How old are you? Do you want DC?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/05/2018 20:35

I definitely wouldn’t change, I couldn’t engage in group sex but I’m wondering whether I could have him without needing to change. I think the consensus is no though.

He has told you that isn't possible. Listen to him. The real him; not the big fantasy that he's come to represent for you.

whatamistake · 15/05/2018 20:36

Two months? You’ve been together just 2 months? Confused

Jeepers.

A tale of two films; 50 shades meets Glent Close in fatal attraction Grin

whatamistake · 15/05/2018 20:36

Glen!

STOPSHOUTINGPLS · 15/05/2018 20:47

To think that someone involved in alternative sexual practices won’t be able to be happy without it

No you aren't BU and you are quite right.

Someone who has a sexual fetish of any kind will always return to that fetish because it is a deep rooted part of what turns them on. They can't control it. It doesn't matter what that fetish is - latex, domination, foot fetish, threesomes - anything - they will not derive the same sexual pleasure from banning it from their life and actually why should they? The world's a big place and there is a lid for every pot.

With this man, I think you would have to accept that in the future he will have group sex. Some people may be fine with that even if they weren't participating provided their partner practiced safe sex. Most people wouldn't be - not least because of the high risk of emotional involvement. It sounds from what you say that this is not for you. I'd cut ties now before you get more emotionally involved and it gets harder to end it.

Birdsgottafly · 15/05/2018 20:50

How old is he, has he had a serious relationship before?

The question is, can he settle for monogamy.

I enjoy group sex etc, but I've met Men who I'd be monogamous for.

I think Men differ from Women in this. I've found that during times of 'crisis', during pregnancy, after the Birth, stressful times, Men will will get back into the scene.

You need a full honest conversation with him and if you split, stop thinkers ng about him as being perfect, he isn't.

Did he get an erection when you have fooled around? Was it all usual?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/05/2018 20:51

This will end in tears .... your tears ...
Be careful OP, don't line yourself up for a big fall. He has been honest, listen to him.

Birdsgottafly · 15/05/2018 20:53

STOPSHOUTINGPLS indulging in something and having a fetish, are two different things.

Both can live without them, if it isn't compatible with the lifestyle of being with someone special.

MySoggyBottom · 15/05/2018 21:02

OP, both DH and I were big into the London Kink scene. We even met a Bondage party. BDSM defined us and who we were as a couple.... until we got married and had children. Now we do it missionary, once a month, if we are lucky!
Sex is a big part of a relationship, but it's just a part. If you love him and he loves you then go for it. Life is too short and often flips on its head!
Good luck Thanks

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 15/05/2018 22:33

Tammy, I don't think this guy owed it to the OP to disclose his intimate sexual interests before realising there was a mutual interest there. Do you go telling all of your male friends about your sex life? What about the ones you suspect may have a crush on you? What about the ones you don't suspect are into you? He told her when they realised they had a mutual attraction. Perfect timing. He doesn't owe her his intimate details before that!

We’ve done everything else, a slow introduction into what his interests are like - he’s really very respectful (which I know sounds crazy given what I’ve shared above).

No it doesn't sound crazy, he sounds like a decent guy who respects you very much. With whom sadly you're sexually incompatible. You sound infatuated after such a short time of seeing each other so I think you'll end up hurt whichever way this goes.

VioletCharlotte · 15/05/2018 22:45

Ive been in a relationship in the past with someone like this. All
I can say is treat very carefully. It's likely that he'll use all sorts of manipulation tactics to try and push your limits and encourage you to try new things. I'm now pretty convinced that BDSM is a cover men use to abuse women. Do you mind me asking if you were into BDSM before you met him?

Starlighter · 15/05/2018 22:51

He’s been honest with you and said he wants group sex, at some point, just 2 months into your relationship. This will just get worse.

“Park it”?? Till when? You’re living together, you’re married, when you’re pregnant, when you have children??

This has disaster written all over it. You are both very different people and neither one of you should have to change. Sorry, but I’d get out now.

BonsaiBear · 15/05/2018 22:54

What do you mean by you have had a gentle introduction to his preferences? That he's already been introducing you to BDSM?

If so, I just bet he's willing to 'park' group sex for now - he can train you up first in D/s or whatever dynamic he's like, then drip feed you into it. Nice. Hmm

gendercritter · 15/05/2018 22:56

The two men I have (very briefly) dated (separately!!) who enjoyed a particular fetish - let's just say they both sold it as something which enhanced their sex life only. In fact it clearly dominated their thoughts and nothing was as exciting as the idea of their fetish. So it quickly became a situation where they were pushing their fetish heavily. Missionary position wasn't enough. It bored them both. I wasn't remotely into either fetish and realised that was the end of things both times. I think some people keep a lid on their fetishes to get partners but it does creep in and it does end up dominating quite often. Take what he's saying seriously.

BonsaiBear · 15/05/2018 22:57

And, it may not be the case with your guy, but the BDSM world is RIDDLED with men who want to introduce women to BDSM. Usually as their submissive. It's like the holy grail because they get to 'break in' a new sub and get her to do all sorts as they build it up.

stripeymare · 15/05/2018 23:33

OP, your BF sounds very similar to mine, he also makes me feel as if I would go to the ends of the earth for him, he is wonderful, understands me in a way no one else has ever done and I'm head over heels in love.

BUT and it is a big but, he is into threesomes/foursomes/swinging. I have tried MMF with him but I absolutely cannot contemplate the idea of him with another woman. He says that sex with others is a fundamental part of who he is (he has been very upfront about this right from the start - I thought I'd just enjoy a fling as the chemistry was electric Blush and then we both fell in love).

We have been together 4 years, there have been some ups and downs (mainly through him messaging other women/couples as that is his form of 'porn') but so far he has been physically faithful.

However I know that it can't last. I'm not enough for him on my own and I'm not willing to compromise on my fundamental deal breaker (him having sexual contact with another woman even with me there, which is what he wants). For the moment I am enjoying the time we spend together but I know it is time limited and that brings a sadness, I also can't make plans for the future or move in together etc because I know it cannot last. I already have DC so not looking for marriage, DC etc but just a committed monogamous relationship with the man I love. However I know however deeply we feel about each other my BF cannot change his fundamental 'fetish' and I cannot change my fundamental deal breaker.

My advice would be get out now before you get in too deep. I know it may feel as if you can't but it will be for the best in the end. Otherwise like me you will drift along, sometimes happily but always with that element of mistrust and knowledge that one day it will end and you will never feel like you are enough and that is harmful to your self esteem.

One day I will have the strength to leave, hopefully before he has sex with someone else, as I want to be able to remain friends. He would be my soulmate but for this one issue.

Deathgrip · 16/05/2018 08:07

Let’s not pretend there aren’t plenty of men who claim to be Doms and focus their efforts on women who aren’t in the scene at all, men who claim to be really into BDSM but are actually manipulative and abusive.

I don’t know this guy so perhaps he’s genuine BUT if he knows he needs group sex in the future and he knows the OP doesn’t want that, a decent person would end it now, not expect she will / may change her mind (and do it anyway even if she doesn’t).

Deathgrip · 16/05/2018 08:12

Oh stripey, your post makes me so sad. I don’t believe anyone couldn’t refrain from having group sex if they chose to, especially when having sex with someone they care about. The truth is, people like this don’t want to, and they don’t have to because their bullshit is indulged. They enjoy it. They’re greedy. End of story. Also, nice way of him normalising his messaging of other women (“it’s my version of porn” - exploiting the fact that women have already been conditioned to accept men looking at porn frequently, and trying to apply that to interacting with actual people. It’s grim)

It’s not a fetish. It’s greed or it’s an addiction.

Oblomov18 · 16/05/2018 08:23

You sound obsessed and besotted with him. All the warning signs were there, but you've deliberately ignored them, not wanting to hear, not listening, and now find yourself madly in love.
You are missing certain boundaries and self control.
You know this has to stop. But you don't want to. You are your own worst enemy.
This is worse than 50 shades! Sorry, but it really is.
No one can help you, not right now, because you are not ready to listen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread