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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that someone involved in alternative sexual practices won’t be able to be happy without it.

78 replies

Namechangestress · 15/05/2018 19:55

So, this is the situation. I’m in love with the most wonderful man. We’ve known each other for 18 months and I’ve spent most of that time falling in love with him and just assumed it would fizzle out. It hasn’t, he says he feels the same, I want him.

It should be that simple, but he’s heavily involved in alternative sexual practices, think bdsm. I’m fine with that part, in fact, I think I’d probably follow him to the ends of the earth, but.. he’s also into group sex, the BDSM club scene etc. He has been clear that he wouldn’t look for sex elsewhere without me knowing, but would want to consider that at some point in the future. It’s a nonnegotiable for me, it isn’t who I am.

So, if I have a relationship with him - will he be happy with just me? AIBU to think that I could never make him happy and that despite the strength of my feelings for him, this relationship is doomed.

OP posts:
WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 16/05/2018 09:29

Violet

I can say is treat very carefully. It's likely that he'll use all sorts of manipulation tactics to try and push your limits and encourage you to try new things. I'm now pretty convinced that BDSM is a cover men use to abuse women. Do you mind me asking if you were into BDSM before you met him?

I'm really sorry you went through such an experience to think this way. For what ifs worth, from someone who has a fair bit of experience in the area, anyone who uses BDSM as a cover to be abusive would be abusive anyway, the vast majority of men I met who were into it were kind, respectful, and just normal guys. The sub truly had all of the power as he/she was the one able to consent or not consent to what was going on.

There are as many women enthusiastically into BDSM as Dommes, subs or switches as there are men. It's not about vulnerable women being abused under a veneer of kink as a whole, although in all walks of life there will be individuals who are abusive, whether that's someone who considers themselves to be a Dom or your average joe next door.

In some ways I think that people involved in BDSM may be less likely to abuse than others as by just being involved in the scene you think, talk about and consider consent, boundaries, respect and limits more than somebody who has never had reason to really think about those things.

Branleuse · 16/05/2018 10:01

If youre not into it, youre not into it. I think its a non starter.

WowserBowser · 16/05/2018 10:11

The thing is, whilst you are in the new stage of a relationship and you're feeling that obsessive way, you may feel like you want to partake in those types of sex acts. But imagine 15 years down the line when you're tired and just want a quicky and he wants you trussed up like a chicken.

I think you need to properly be in to BDSM or you may just spend valuable years appeasing him

LucheroTena · 16/05/2018 10:21

Walk away. Otherwise in 18 months you’ll be stood on the sidelines watching him being put in nipple clamps and butt plugs surrounded bunch of middle aged overweight people in pleather gimp outfits.

moreofaslummythanyummy · 16/05/2018 13:15

I think if you are already uncomfortable in the "honey moon period" it is only going to get harder.
Think ahead, how will you feel about it when you have DC for example .

Rattail · 16/05/2018 22:26

If you are comfortable with him going to group sex without you the stay. Also tell him what you are comfortable doing with him

Furiousaboutinstarubbish · 16/05/2018 22:38

God no. Just no. Avoid a massive fuck up and run while you still can.

DailyMailBestForBums · 16/05/2018 23:06

OP, I think you need to ask yourself if this guy is asking himself the same questions-could I change for namechangestress and remain monogamous? You seem to have done a lot of the compromising. You don't seem terribly careful with your own happiness.

I'd also wager that he puts the D in BDSM, and you're the submissive partner? Maybe you should find out more about the lifestyle and get some advice from someone who knows what it's like.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 16/05/2018 23:23

You should never consider doing BDSM for 'love'. Only if it is your inclination irrespective of a partner. Think of it this way: if you did not know your partner, would you fantasize about subbing to anyone?
If not, then the hypothetical power that subs have does not exist for you, because you will consider a scene as a bargain for more love, not for your own pleasure. Rather than enjoying the high, you will endure. This is not healthy sex life.

BlondeB83 · 16/05/2018 23:27

I think you need to walk away from this to be honest.

villageshop · 16/05/2018 23:49

Dear OP, you are being groomed.

BDSM and the entire concept of the BDSM club and group sex scene is being introduced to you gently yet surprisingly early on in your intimate relationship, before you really know how (or if) the relationship dynamic would naturally work for you.

If you continue with this man his erotic desires will gradually become normalised in your thoughts and fantasies and if you stay with this man I am sure you will, in the not too distant future, be taking part in all sorts of role playing and sexual scenarios you know deep down are not right for you. You will feel damaged by it and wish you'd never started.

You are in lust, in limerance, in short you are infatuated. I'd get out now if I were you. Sorry.

If the whole BDSM and group scene was something that you wanted to explore equally and on your own terms then my answer would be entirely different. But it isn't, so please don't be persuaded.

Ragusa · 16/05/2018 23:56

@iheartNiles that made me laugh SO much. Straight from the Victoria Eood stable of comedy 😂

OP, this must be very hard for you. I can imagine this situation. Not BDSM but I have had a partner with incompatable sexual preferences to me. I loved them, they were pretty shit hot in most ways for me apart from this one thing. At the time I thought we were wholly incompatible because of his sexual thing and we split.

Now ... not so sure. The relationship and connection between us, excluding this sexual predeliction, was good. I think, knowing what I know now, I might consent to letting a trustworthy and honest partner do their thang in a safe STD protected way and enjoy the 99% of life wih them that didnt involve this. Ie I might consider a non-monogamous relationship. This isn't because I think 'this is all I am worth' but because I think sometimes relationships are complicated and sometimes an exceptional connection and exceptional love affair is worth making significsnt compromises for. On both sides. Sometimes a sexual predeliction can be almost like a ... really enjoyable hobby, not to trivialise it, but really, it can.

I suspect that given a perfect alignment of the stars, my ex-dp might have dreamed of a partner who they really clicked with and who also shared their predeliction. They made compromises too, really. In the end it was my decision to end it. They did not take it well, are still on their scene but haven't met 'the one' for them emotionally.

Sorry, that was a massive waffle!

SandyY2K · 17/05/2018 00:01

This won't work. He's been decent and honest from the beginning, which I wish all men and women who can't be monotonous should do.

NotSoSkinnyNow · 17/05/2018 00:40

Be very careful OP. Think about it, and rethink it. Only you can make the decision, but I will share my story in case it helps.

15 years and 2 DC into our relationship, DH told me about his fetish. I was shocked to hear that apparently he had been hiding it all this time. To cut a long story short, after much trying on my part to participate in his desires, it was not enough for him. I got to my limit, and could go no further. He pressed for more. He now has another friend with whom he indulges in that lifestyle. I agreed to it for the sake of trying to save our relationship /family, as he professed he loved us, and couldn't live without us. However, relationships evolve, and this woman now plays a greater part in his life. It is breaking my heart.

steff13 · 17/05/2018 01:17

I have a male friend who is into this lifestyle. He's currently engaged to a woman who was interested at first, but her interest has cooled in the past couple years. Their marriage is currently on hold because he doesn't think he can live without it. I'm sure there are people who can take it or leave it, but I'm sure there are also people who think they can convince their partners eventually. I wouldn't want to get involved with him personally.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2018 07:32

he professed he loved us, and couldn't live without us.
His fetish seems to trump his love for you all.

However, relationships evolve, and this woman now plays a greater part in his life. It is breaking my heart

This is very sad. You don't break the heart of someone you profess to love like this.

This is where a relationship becomes unequal.

Branleuse · 17/05/2018 08:11

He is basically telling you that at any time you need him, or there is any reason you cant do it, he will do it without you.
He is laying his cards on the table and letting you know now, that no matter what feelings he has, his own personal sex life and his own freedom to do what the hell he wants with other people will trump you and your feelings.

I have a lovely friend who is into the swinging lifestyle etc and so is her boyfriend, but it STILL really hurt her when he fucked off and played away without her and they nearly didnt come back from that, so im not sure how painful it would be if youre not into the lifestyle too. Hes just telling you that sex is the most important thing to him than anything, including your boundaries, so beware.

I can see that youre intoxicated by it/him though, and its fine to experiement and discover new things. Just keep your bloody wits about you, because youre writing as though he is special and unusual, and i can assure you hes not. Stunt cocks into swinging are two a penny

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 17/05/2018 08:27

15 years and 2 DC into our relationship, DH told me about his fetish. I was shocked to hear that apparently he had been hiding it all this time. To cut a long story short, after much trying on my part to participate in his desires, it was not enough for him.

How did he manage without engaging with his fetish for fifteen long years?

BlueSuffragette · 17/05/2018 08:54

You are besotted. He has told you honestly what he wants. You are already trying things you thought you wouldn't. You have 2 choices try more 'choices' you are uncomfortable with or walk away. You risk losing your own identity and values to ultimately please this man. Go and find somebody who loves you for you and would not want to share you sexually with others. Mutal respect and love need to be equal from both partners to work long term.

Laserbird16 · 17/05/2018 09:20

The BDSM community at least has very specific codes of conduct so if your partner adheres to these you have a lot of 'power' in the relationship. You seem excited by the prospect of bdsm. Be clear about what you will and won't consider straight up and if you think you can disentangle how besotted you are with him from what could be very fun sexually, ride him like a sea side donkey and say goodbye when it no longer works for you. Or if you can't do that say goodbye now, he is being honest about his intentions.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/05/2018 09:25

You can’t form any relationship on the basis of hoping the other person will change some aspect of themselves.

Also a lot of BDSM stuff is just abuse disguised as kinkiness: been there, done that, feel revolted when I think of some stuff I’ve done. Especially these days, a lot of nasty characters on that scene.

Original poster
Namechangestress · 21/05/2018 20:25

Thanks for the views. I’m still very torn, both options feel as though they’ll end in tears.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/05/2018 20:29

both options feel as though they’ll end in tears.

In all likelihood; they will. But if you do it now, you'll be doing it once, for the right reasons; and it won't happen again. You'll be in control of it. You'll be able to get over him and move towards a better future.

If you stay with him and wait for him to fulfill the prophecy; you're going to spend some anxious times wondering if he is, and then the tears will come - but you'll have no control, and it could happen again and again.

I'd rather get the pain out of the way. I'm always one for giving people a chance; but there's no chance to give him, here. You're too different. You'd be asking him not to be him, after he's told you very honestly who he is.

trojanpony · 22/05/2018 06:08

Dear OP, you are being groomed.

This in bucket loads

If you want a long term relationship and children run the hills now.

KevinTheYuccaPlant · 22/05/2018 07:23

Be very careful, it sounds as if he might try (or is already trying) salami tactics - one very thin slice into your comfort zone at a time, each of them in itself not enough to push you over the 'That's it, I'm done' line, but using the 'Well, you did this okay, so why not just try this tiny little variation on it?' until you're in a situation you really don't want to be in without knowing exactly how you got there.