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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t go to this wedding how to say no

100 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:37

Dn is getting married.
Dh and her mother (his sister) fell out a couple of years ago which I’ve wrote about on here before.
After this mil blamed me even though I was the one encouraging Dh to forgive his sister. This ended up with mil shouting at me when I was pregnant, ignoring me and behaving nastily to me and my family at our wedding and not visiting our ds when he was seriously ill in hosp. Since all that I’ve gone nc as I cannot be polite to get anymore.
Dh sees his mother every few weeks for a quick coffee and she sees our dc then.
Anyway dn wedding upcoming she has invited us all the wedding which given the arguments this might have caused is very good of her.
The kids have only met mil and dn don’t know rest of family due to these arguments. I don’t feel comfortable going and don’t want kids there without me. Dh feels he should go and I agree.
How do I say no without causing another fallout I don’t want dn to be too upset.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 14/05/2018 12:40

Tbh i would just go but steer clear of mil.

Ohyesiam · 14/05/2018 12:40

Say to your niece that you are really glad to be asked, but because of the family dynamic you don’t feel you can go. I would call her tether than dpnit as an rsvp , then it will be less open to misinterpretation.

Happyandyouknowitclapclap · 14/05/2018 12:42

I think I'd just go, there will be a lot of people there and its about your dn not everyone else. Just avoid your mil and sil and maybe mention about seating arrangements to DN to ask if you can avoid being on a table with them. The rest of the time unless its a tiny wedding it shouldn't be too hard to keep some distance from them.

Jeezoh · 14/05/2018 12:45

I’d let your dh go with the kids, not sure why you’d stop them going if they see their grandmother already?

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:46

I just don’t think I’d feel comfortable. Dh hasn’t made it clear to rest of the family I don’t think so I’m pretty much a fall guy for all this to the wider family.
With Mil and sil I don’t think they would be able to behave themselves and not say something even if it causes issues at the wedding. I think dn will be relived that she’s done the right thing by invited us but secretly glad if we don’t come that she won’t be worrying about anything happening

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 14/05/2018 12:47

I wouldn't give mil the satisfaction of making you stay away. Standing with your own family will be a big sign to her she doesn't concern you at all.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:47

Because the dc are very young and have only met mil and dn (a couple of times), Dh’s Sis have been quite nasty towards all of us I wouldn’t want kids there without me

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 14/05/2018 12:47

Is the invitation one with tick boxes?
Could you just tick to say he's going and then add that you and DC decline with regret? You don't need to give reasons.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:48

I would like to be strong enough to go but I’m not I hate this whole situation I wanted everyone to get along. But instead it’s this huge rift.

OP posts:

fluffiphlox · 14/05/2018 12:49

RSVP card
‘Thank you for your kind invitation. I’m afraid we are unable to attend. I hope you have a lovely day.’ Or similar.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:49

His dn has private messages me on fb to ask if me and kids are coming

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 14/05/2018 12:50

Youre making it more of a drama that it needs to be. There will be plenty of folk to chat to. Just go.

BigPinkBall · 14/05/2018 12:51

Perhaps you and the dc could come down with “flu” that weekend, that way you don’t have to decline and obviously you wouldn’t want to pass on your germs to everyone else.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 14/05/2018 12:53

Honestly, I'd just go for a few hours, congratulate DN warmly (this is about her and her new husband, nobody else), and keep a determinedly low profile where the family is concerned. You can always leave early on the pretext of needing to put DDs to bed, and DH can stay on in the evening alone.

If you really can't face it then I don't think it's fair to keep DDs away unless DH actively doesn't want to take them by himself. Their dad will be there to look after them: nothing bad will happen, and it's good for them to build their own relationship with his side of the family.

Sparkletastic · 14/05/2018 12:54

Reply saying how touched you are that she invited you all but you are worried about anything marring her wedding day.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 14/05/2018 12:54

I think I'd talk to her and say something like the invite was very gratefully received because obviously she's aware of the issues but those very issues are why you are politely declining, you'd hate for there to be tension or worse on what is their wedding day but you can't wait to see photos blah blah.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 14/05/2018 12:56

Talk to the niece. Don't text, ring her and explain you're very happy for her but worried about other people's reaction to you attending.

Please don't be so rude as to fake illness as a PP suggested, resulting in her paying for wasted meals and potentially not inviting someone else they would have like to attend.

If you do go, don't rise to any bait or nasty comments, the day is about DN and her partner.

MightyMucks · 14/05/2018 12:57

They’ve been the bigger people by inviting you. If you don’t want to go, fair enough. But if you don’t let the kids go you will look petty in comparison.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:57

the dc don’t know any of dh’s family due to fall out I don’t feel comfortable with the idea their first contact is without me there in a potentially volatile environment. Dh’s sis will not be happy he is going.

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 14/05/2018 13:01

Phone dn and talk to her. Be open and honest and ensure it comes across that you are enquiring only because the most important thing is that she has the perfect day for her.

She may be genuinely asking you, or it may be because she feels she has to. Whatever the outcome, if you and dc then decline, you don't have to explain yourselves to anyone.

balsamicbarbara · 14/05/2018 13:13

Dh hasn’t made it clear to rest of the family I don’t think so I’m pretty much a fall guy for all this to the wider family.

I can't believe your DH hasn't stood up for you with your MIL - he sees her every few weeks yet she hasn't apologised for wrongly blaming you.. that is just weird.

FrancisCrawford · 14/05/2018 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TangelasVine · 14/05/2018 13:18

You could go to the service and stay for the formal bits then leave before the evening and drunk people part. That's when it often kicks off at weddings if it's going to.

BlueJava · 14/05/2018 13:24

I'd go and wouldn't give her the satisfaction of being "proved right" as she will see it that your difficult (in her mind). You DH and DC will be there and plenty of people to talk to.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2018 13:25

Is this not time to bury the hatchet? They have extended the first olive branch. I would accept and go and just put it all behind you.

Declining keeps it going on. And potentially makes it worse

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