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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t go to this wedding how to say no

100 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:37

Dn is getting married.
Dh and her mother (his sister) fell out a couple of years ago which I’ve wrote about on here before.
After this mil blamed me even though I was the one encouraging Dh to forgive his sister. This ended up with mil shouting at me when I was pregnant, ignoring me and behaving nastily to me and my family at our wedding and not visiting our ds when he was seriously ill in hosp. Since all that I’ve gone nc as I cannot be polite to get anymore.
Dh sees his mother every few weeks for a quick coffee and she sees our dc then.
Anyway dn wedding upcoming she has invited us all the wedding which given the arguments this might have caused is very good of her.
The kids have only met mil and dn don’t know rest of family due to these arguments. I don’t feel comfortable going and don’t want kids there without me. Dh feels he should go and I agree.
How do I say no without causing another fallout I don’t want dn to be too upset.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 14/05/2018 13:26

Speak to your niece!

MindatWork · 14/05/2018 13:27

I’m sorry but I massively disagree with Francis Crawford and other posters advising you to send a formal refusal.

This needs a phone call. Your DN has been kind and supportive in inviting you (and has done so despite knowing it may cause issues with her mother). Sending back an impersonal RSVP is likely to burn that’s bridge as well.

I also agree with the previous poster who asked why the hell your DH hasn’t stood up for you with his mother and has allowed you to be scapegoated...

JaneyEJones · 14/05/2018 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolCarrie · 14/05/2018 13:29

As Bluntness says this might be the right time make the situation better all round. If you get on with your niece then it would be good to make the effort and go. You can always leave early as you have small children.

FASH84 · 14/05/2018 13:29

I would go and have an escape plan. DN has put her neck on the line with wider family and has done the right thing to invite you, or maybe the wider family have moved on or don't blame you (other than MIL) If you don't go this rift will never heal, your DH needs to step up and back you if anyone says anything.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 13:30

I wanted to bury the hatchet years ago I think at this point there’s too many hurt feelings on my side to forgive especially as mil can’t see anything wrong with ruining my wedding day and ignoring our seriously ill ds no texts no calls no visits that was the final straw for me. Before all that I could have forgiven them both but now I cannot even if Dh and his sis sorting things out between them there’s way too much for me to look. Honestly I couldn’t go through all the events, but threats, social media posts about us, dsis refusing to let mil gc on Xmas day if she visited Dh etc it’s been endless for years

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 14/05/2018 13:34

As someone who has been NC with my family for many years, I would not attend the wedding. My feelings have always.been that it is unfair to draw other people into a toxic situation nothing to do with them.

I personally would write a lovely letter saying how touched you were to receive the invitation but, due to the unhealthy situation with various family members, you feel it is best for all concerned if you stay home with the DC but DH would love to attend alone. I would wish her a fantastic day and certainly ensure DH attends armed with a lovely, heartfelt card and nice present.

For those advising you to attend and steer clear of the toxic family members, sorry to disagree but the toxic family concerned will ensure your decision to attend was not a good one, IME 😡

baxterboi · 14/05/2018 13:34

why is everyone assuming to know exactly what the bride is thinking?!

She probably invited OP and her whole family out of politeness - not as an "olive branch" or "bring kind".

I doubt she cares if you don't go tbh, she's getting married, she has other things on her mind.

If you don't want to, dont. If you do want to, do.

baxterboi · 14/05/2018 13:34

*being kind

FASH84 · 14/05/2018 13:35

You need to rise above it, or you're as petty as they are. You don't have to interact with SIL MIL , you will end up reinforcing the perception of you as bad guy if you turn down DNs kind gesture

Cornishclio · 14/05/2018 13:37

If the niece has invited you all I would take it at face value and you all go as a family.

Maybe as she has messaged you you could message her back and say you are very grateful for invite but don't want to spoil her day given tensions between her mum and Nan and you and your DH. Make it clear you want to mend any rift even though it was not your fault and you just want everyone to get along. I hardly think she would invite you without running it past her mum so maybe things have calmed down now. Life is too short for these family dramas. See what she responds

Rafflesway · 14/05/2018 13:37

Too many 'buts' there! 🙄
Should read although DH would love to attend alone.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 13:38

I’ve made decision I know I cannot face going I don’t want the upset. I will speak to dn and explain why and that I hope she has a lovely day.
I hope if anything is said about it all being my fault Dh will stick up for me as I’m well away this feeds into mil narrative of me causing this fallout by my absence.
Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 13:38

Well aware! Not away

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/05/2018 13:40

Why don't you trust your children's father to look after them?

minmooch · 14/05/2018 13:42

Rise above it and go. For you DH and for your children. You may surprise yourself and enjoy it, if only watching your children interact with other family members. You should go as a unit.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 13:42

I do trust him but I don’t trust his sister not to start on him. I don’t want our dc to see that.
And like I’ve said it feels odd that the first time the dc encounter dh’s wider family I won’t be there.

OP posts:
KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 14/05/2018 13:45

The children would be going with their father so someone would be there to protect them if it all kicks off. Being without you there, doesn't mean they are alone.

My mother and my aunt didn't get along, which meant that I didn't see my similar aged cousin when I was growing up. I met up with my cousin when the opportunity arose (I openly told my disgusted mother about these visits) and my cousin is a Facebook friend (she lives on the other side of the World). The niece doesn't necessarily agree with her mother or approve of all the falling out.

I would rise above it and go. Your niece isn't to blame for her mother's actions.

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2018 13:46

Why will you being there makes a difference to his sister's behaviour?

DevilsDoorbell · 14/05/2018 13:46

Maybe you could offer to take the bride and groom out for dinner when they get back from honeymoon and celebrate with them privately.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2018 13:53

Don't go. He should go if he wants to, but you and the DC don't need to be there.

"Thank you so much for the invitation. DH will be happy to attend, unfortunately the children and I won't be joining you but we wish you every happiness and lots of love".

Having been in the position of going to a big family event assuming that people we don't speak to will behave like grown ups, for the sake of others if not us, and then it all kicking off in a very ugly fashion, I no longer think trying to look like you don't care and expecting others to act with self restraint and respect for the proceedings is worth it if you put yourself in harms way.

MIL has already ruined several occasions and behaved awfully towards you. TBH I'd be beyond hurt DH is willing to pretend it didn't happen and just carry on with her, letting everyone think you're the one in the wrong. But that's irrelevant.

Staying away is the right thing for you and the couple getting hitched. So what if they bitch about you behind your back. Take that over doing it to your face on someone's special day anytime.

Have you read the book Toxic Inlaws?

Bluelady · 14/05/2018 13:55

You've been offered an olive branch, just take it. If you perpetuate this rift they'll paint you as the bad guy who's keeping your children from their paternal family. Go to the wedding, behave impeccably and leave early. This is your chance to take the moral high ground.

kateandme · 14/05/2018 13:57

id be as open as you can without giving your opions on the hurt they've casued if that makes sense.so it gives no room then for other nasty folk to make it sounds bitchy etc on your part.
so id phone and be nice in saying that as she knows the argument between the family have stirred up lots of emotions,and that you don't want to make this day anything but about her so fear the tensions etc might be bad for all concerned...and also you still feel uncomfrotabl with it all and don't want the first meet up which might be difficult be her enjoyable day,that wouldn't be fair on any of you.
something nice but honest.no side taking just stating facts.
youll be able to word it way better than me!im so shit with wording.

kateandme · 14/05/2018 13:59

perhaps If the argument isn't between the dn family you could suggest a meat up after or before her wedding to show your congrats.even for a coffee.
maybe send some delivered flowers for the day itself.just to let her know your thining of her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 14:00

I would send a response in the vein of Cornish’s post. Idk if your dcs have other cousins. My dd doesn’t and we are nc with my brother and his wife due to narcissism and violence. It is sad for the children. If dd wants to see her cousin once they are adults, she knows she can with my blessing. From what you have written, I assume your children are not yet adults.