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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t go to this wedding how to say no

100 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:37

Dn is getting married.
Dh and her mother (his sister) fell out a couple of years ago which I’ve wrote about on here before.
After this mil blamed me even though I was the one encouraging Dh to forgive his sister. This ended up with mil shouting at me when I was pregnant, ignoring me and behaving nastily to me and my family at our wedding and not visiting our ds when he was seriously ill in hosp. Since all that I’ve gone nc as I cannot be polite to get anymore.
Dh sees his mother every few weeks for a quick coffee and she sees our dc then.
Anyway dn wedding upcoming she has invited us all the wedding which given the arguments this might have caused is very good of her.
The kids have only met mil and dn don’t know rest of family due to these arguments. I don’t feel comfortable going and don’t want kids there without me. Dh feels he should go and I agree.
How do I say no without causing another fallout I don’t want dn to be too upset.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/05/2018 15:54

You’re doing the right thing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2018 15:56

You're doing the right thing OP.

As someone already said "life's too short" and I take that to mean it's far too bloody short to invite this sort of stress, drama and bullshit into your life. Or run the risk it'll ruin this nice couple's wedding day.

You know it will kick off. You know they only have bad feelings towards you, enjoy upsetting you and have no desire to offer olive branches, extend a hand, reconcile, or any of the other things people have naively suggested might be possible.

You owe the DN a pleasant RSVP and none of the rest of them anything.

It's liberating to realise you don't have the ability to change people like this, or hope for them to be better. Set yourself free of the worry about what they think.

TheOnlyWaysTitsUp · 14/05/2018 15:57

Perhaps you and the dc could come down with “flu” that weekend, that way you don’t have to decline and obviously you wouldn’t want to pass on your germs to everyone else.

Please don't do this. You'll be wasting two spaces which could have been taken by DN's friends, and they'll be wasting £100+ on you. DN doesn't deserve that.

Contrabassista · 14/05/2018 16:00

Why do people put all this pressure on themselves over weddings? Sounds like there would be one hell of an atmosphere if you were all there anyway so who would want that? Decline politely, wish them well and do something more relaxing instead. You and your husband aren’t joined at the hip. I’m sure if he wants to go he can make his own decision on that.

diddl · 14/05/2018 16:01

"as mil can’t see anything wrong with ruining my wedding day and ignoring our seriously ill ds "

And your husband doesn't see to think that she did anything wrong either!

MadMags · 14/05/2018 16:01

People are always being advised to be the bigger person in situations such as this.

I think: fuck that! Seems to me, the bigger person always ends up with the shit end of the stick.

Don't go. And I wouldn't have my kids around that either. I'd also be thinking very hard about continuing a relationship with a man who not only didn't stick up for me, but willingly allowed people to think I'd done something I hadn't!

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 16:15

Dh doesn’t agree with mil treatment of me- after she shouted at me he told her that if she ever raised her voice to me again like that he wouldn’t see her anymore and that she was wrong to blame me. After she ignored our baby ds when he was in hosp Dh was very upset I think it shocked him that she didn’t show any interest whatsoever.
I’ve seen a change in how he feels about his mother since then but obviously this is between me, Dh and mil it’s not been communicated from our POV to the wider family so they would have mil version.
Dh feels like he’s obligated to see his mum and I think as his dad left early on he’s clinging onto whatever relationship he has with his mum no matter how dysfunctional.

OP posts:

spaghettiforhair · 14/05/2018 16:15

Don't understand why your DH is going to go but not you? Looks like you're the scapegoat and he gets to play happy families and just reinforces MIL opinion that you are the cause of it all. He should be united with you on it.

diddl · 14/05/2018 16:17

"Dh feels like he’s obligated to see his mum"

Well, that's up to him-shame she gets the honour of seeing her GC after treating their mother badly.

Win/win for her!

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 16:18

I’ve pushed him to go and he feels like he should be there as when his dn was little she didn’t have a dad so my Dh was the only male family figure to her during early childhood they were very close before this family fall out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 16:20

I know diddl I’ve wrestled with it myself for so long it really has turned out well for her in that regard but i don’t feel like she’s done enough to stop her seeing the dc yet

OP posts:

LucyEvans26 · 14/05/2018 16:25

Shes given you an olive branch- id take it and move on- don't have to best best buds but she is family so maybe this is a chance to move on

MaggieFS · 14/05/2018 16:26

Well if the outcome is 100% decided that DH is the only one going, why this thread and the drama over how to reply?

Reply is whatever format suits the style of the invitation: formal to formal, casual to casual.

Also, if he's the one going for the sake of dn and is worried about it. He can phone her. Sounds like it's just a continuation of the status quo so just carry on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2018 16:39

Shes given you an olive branch

Oh my god. No she hasn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's been vile and abusive and ended up with exactly what she always wanted, OP's DH all to herself and access to the kids when she wants it.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/05/2018 16:43

How about:-

“Hi Lucy, Congrats on your engagement! So exciting! You are going to be such a beautiful bride! Fred and I have talked about it a lot and we think it is best if the children and I stay at home and just Fred comes. Things are still a bit raw with MIL and the last thing we want is an awkward atmosphere on a day which should be 100% about you and Jack. Also if Fred comes without the kids it means he will get to really enjoy the day and not be distracted by endless requests to read stories, wind up remote control cars and take a small boy for a poo! Fred is really looking forward to coming and is so proud of what a wonderful young woman you have grown into. Jack is a lucky man! Love Susie xxx”

TrinaN · 14/05/2018 16:47

You seem set that you are not going and I think that your niece is probably just being polite.

I would send a formal RSVP along the lines of the suggestion by FrancisCrawford and then call your niece (better than putting it in writing on text or facebook) to say that DH will be going and that you are very touched that she invited you but it is her day and you would be worried that your attendance may cause tensions and you do not want her special day to be affected so hope she has a lovely day and it is a shame that you will not be there to see it.

If DCs are very young then throw in that they will not be going so that DH can enjoy some time with the family and so the young children (if they are) do not disturb the service.

If you get on well with her, calling and explaining is the best way.

mammyoftwo · 14/05/2018 16:48

You need to go. Simple as. Regardless of if you or other "injured party" believe it to be so, it is an opportunity to be in the same room at the same time, and ergo healing.
I speak from experience of major issues with ILs, but life is too short. So be the bigger woman, for want of a better phrase "grow a pair" and turn up, smile, eat, and go home (early with dc if you want). But turn up and be seen to be there. Don't let this be an event that just let's the whole thing snowball.

diddl · 14/05/2018 16:55

It's not about IL or SIL is it though-the invitation is from your niece.

You either care about her enough to go to her wedding or you don't.

Would the ceremony & reception be doable for example?

I would think it's an all go or none go situation.

BewareOfDragons · 14/05/2018 17:26

"I'm sorry, but the DC and I won't be able to attend. I would be too afraid that my presence on your special day would give your mother too much of an opportunity to destroy your wedding day the way she destroyed mine. Wishing you all the best. Fresh."

But I'm spiteful like that.

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2018 17:45

If I was the children’s father, I would want it to be up to me whether I took the children or not.

MadMags · 14/05/2018 17:46

You need to go. Simple as.

Er, no you don’t.

@diddl you could argue that OP cares enough not to go and potentially cause drama on niece’s day...

diddl · 14/05/2018 18:00

"you could argue that OP cares enough not to go and potentially cause drama on niece’s day..."

How would she be causing drama-she has been invited!

mammyoftwo · 14/05/2018 18:08

Yes, one could argue (if ILs are as spiteful as suggested) that this is actually a set-up it!...........if OP doesn't go she will be causing drama for NOT going!!!! But ?unlikely if niece likes OP's husband, then maybe a genuine invite on niece's behalf. Either way, OP should go imo.

MadMags · 14/05/2018 18:29

Why should she go? Why should she spend money and effort to be in a room filled with poisonous women and their relatives?

Everyone on here is always going on about how an invitation is not a summons.

Agreed!

So, she can be lovely and grateful for the honour, but still not put herself through that shite!

SandAndSea · 14/05/2018 22:49

OP, listen to your feelings. You know what feels good to you. You don't get a happy life by doing things that make you feel bad.

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