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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t go to this wedding how to say no

100 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 12:37

Dn is getting married.
Dh and her mother (his sister) fell out a couple of years ago which I’ve wrote about on here before.
After this mil blamed me even though I was the one encouraging Dh to forgive his sister. This ended up with mil shouting at me when I was pregnant, ignoring me and behaving nastily to me and my family at our wedding and not visiting our ds when he was seriously ill in hosp. Since all that I’ve gone nc as I cannot be polite to get anymore.
Dh sees his mother every few weeks for a quick coffee and she sees our dc then.
Anyway dn wedding upcoming she has invited us all the wedding which given the arguments this might have caused is very good of her.
The kids have only met mil and dn don’t know rest of family due to these arguments. I don’t feel comfortable going and don’t want kids there without me. Dh feels he should go and I agree.
How do I say no without causing another fallout I don’t want dn to be too upset.

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 14/05/2018 14:00

It will definitely drag out this feud if you don’t go. Don’t give your ILs any ammunition to run you down. If mil and sil are bitchy they will be the ones who look like idiots.

Go for the service, go for the sit down meal & then leave straight after saying the kids are tired. This is one of the situations where you have to be the bigger person.

shinycat · 14/05/2018 14:03

@Whisky2014

You're making it more of a drama that it needs to be. There will be plenty of folk to chat to. Just go.

@Mightymucks

They’ve been the bigger people by inviting you. If you don’t want to go, fair enough. But if you don’t let the kids go you will look petty in comparison.

@JaneyEJones
Agree with blue just go, otherwise the mil will continue with her 'difficult DIL' story.

All of this. Just go and sit through the ceremony and the meal after, then don't stay long for any night-do. As someone said earlier, this is when shit kicks off anyway.

Just avoid your MIL. She sounds like a trouble-making drama-llama anyway!!!

Whether your niece invited you as an 'olive branch' or out of 'politeness' you are still invited. Trust me, if she didn't want you there at ALL you would not have been invited. There were a few people in my life (a couple I am loosely related to,) who I fucking LOATHE, and they did not get an invite to my wedding.

So your in-laws/niece clearly don't hate you!

@wishfulmakeupping

GO! And take the kids too. Rise above it all. If you don't go, and refuse the kids to go too, you will proving your MIL right!!!!!!!!

shinycat · 14/05/2018 14:04

You will BE proving your MIL right (sorry!) ^

AskMeHow · 14/05/2018 14:05

If you go to the ceremony and leave with the children before the evening I think that would be the best compromise.

Speak to your DN, I'm sure she won't do anything silly like put you on the same table as your SIL, explain that you don't want it to be awkward.

If you don't go then yes I think that will feed in to the awkward DIL narrative. It's only a few hours, you can do it.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 14/05/2018 14:06

I wouldn't go either, as dn has messaged you I would reply to her something like this;

dn thank you for the wedding invitation, it means a lot that you have invited all of us, dh will be attending, but given the rift between us and other family members we think it is better if the children and I do not attend, I would hate to be the cause of a scene on your special day. It would be lovely if we could all maybe go for a meal after the wedding to celebrate together

PorkyPortia · 14/05/2018 14:06

I think you are right wishfulmakeupping
I wouldn’t allow my children to go either

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 14/05/2018 14:13

DH's sister will be focused on watching her own daughter get married. I doubt she's going to be interested in ruining her daughter's day by picking a quarrel with your DH. The day is about DN, not them.

And like I’ve said it feels odd that the first time the dc encounter dh’s wider family I won’t be there.

But how do you expect them ever to meet the wider family with you present if you won't accept invitations to family events? It's not fair to stop them from having a relationship with their dad's family because you'll neither go yourself nor let them go alone with their dad.

Hidingtonothing · 14/05/2018 14:16

I don't think it's a matter of OP's DH not protecting the DC, or of them being 'alone' if OP isn't there, it would be hard for him to entirely shield them if his sister starts being aggressive or argumentative and it's understandable that OP doesn't want DC exposed to that. At least if OP was there she could whip DC away at the first sign of trouble, DH might find that more difficult on his own, especially as he would be the 'target'. I think you've made the right decision though OP, I wouldn't risk upset at someone else's wedding either Flowers

shirking9to5 · 14/05/2018 14:18

yeah, let's face it, most of the nastiness will happen at the reception when people have had a few. I wonder why your DH hasn't backed you up more, really if you feel that you've taken the blame with his family, his responsibility to correct that.

I sympathize - toxic relations here, similar chance of people with bad boundaries starting something with the DC around. It's simple though, any nastiness, you all leave?

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2018 14:19

I think that it's your husbands decision on whether to take the kids. They are his kids too, he has as much say as you and although you are presenting one side of the story, clearly your husband and his family have another, he has not went no contact and is intent on going.

In this instance, yes it's you continuing it, whichever way you cut it and you're making it worse by refusing to allow the kids to go also. As a pp said, how can they ever meet their extended family if you refuse to accept invites and they can't go without you.

I'd be curious to hear the other side of this sorry tale

shirking9to5 · 14/05/2018 14:20

i also think it's easier for 2 parents to remove themselves and DC from a hostile situation than 1 parent - especially if you've got 2 quite small ones, hard to round them up quickly.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2018 14:21

At least if OP was there she could whip DC away at the first sign of trouble

So can he. He just turns on his heel takes them by the hand and leaves.Confused

Hidingtonothing · 14/05/2018 14:31

Not always that easy in reality Bluntness, an extra person who isn't the focus of the argument is always useful in this situation

sockunicorn · 14/05/2018 14:43

@Wishfulmakeupping in your situation I would not go and neither would my children. DH can do what he wants. However I would message DN and explain that you and DC are unable to attend but would love to take her to a local coffee shop / hotel / whatever for an afternoon tea whenever shes free, to celebrate her wedding.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2018 14:45

The husband has made up with the sister, there is no reason to believe she will kick off at the wedding of her own daughter and cause a scene.

The busband, as their father can make the decision on whether he thinks he can handle it. He has just as many rights as the op does. It is not her sole call.

shirking9to5 · 14/05/2018 14:48

except that people that blow up into in your face aggressive outbursts are fairly likely to do it again in general - perhaps less likely in a big family gathering though. Yes, it needs both of you to decide re the DC.

marjorie25 · 14/05/2018 14:48

I agree with the person who said the children should be going.
Children should never be part of adults problems.
If you husband was not going, I could you not sending the children.
But I think you are doing your husband a disservice in not allowing the children to attend.
What makes you think that you are more important to these children than your husband, they have two parents.
Let him take the children, book yourself a spa treatment and enjoy your day without thinking about what is taking place at the wedding.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2018 14:50

Based on this and the ops previous threads I'd be very surprised if the sister blew up in his face at her daughters wedding.

From what I can read it's the op who is the drama llama and she is the one now trying to make this continue.

Remember people post in a way that presents them in an innocent light.

Over to you op. Want to kick off or go no contact?

BackforGood · 14/05/2018 14:59

What ShineyCat said. she's summed it all up well.

You are perpetuating any myth your MiL might be trying to spread about you by not going. Your dn has invited you all, so go. Let the dc (and your dh) have a relationship with their family.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 15:28

My Dh and sister have not made up

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 15:34

Bluntness that’s an interesting opinion given I’ve been really supported on my when I was debating whether to go nc with mil. If I wanted drama I’d be going to all the family events surely? I don’t want it I want a normal family where everyone gets along not a mil screaming in my face when I’m 8 months pregnant or refusing to see our dd when she was a newborn as sil wouldn’t approve but that’s the hand I’ve been dealt sadly.
Dh has decided the dc wouldn’t go to any family events leading up to this Xmas parties etc as his sis warned him she would not be civil with him if he attended so he didn’t and neither did me or kids.
Dh doesn’t want kids to go to this wedding but said it was up to me if I went with him or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 15:36

Thank you again for the advice - I’m conscious that it does feed into that narrative but I’m sure of my decision not to attend.

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 14/05/2018 15:39

I would go and hope for some degree of patching up the relationship
IMHO life’s too short

Rafflesway · 14/05/2018 15:47

Wishful, I think you have made the right decision.

I can understand some other opinions on this thread but doubt those encouraging you to go have actually been in this situation, Believe me, from what you have said regarding SIL and MIL I think they would relish making your life a misery on the day and there would be absolutely no pleasure in attending for you. You would be a nervous wreck and your persecutors will sense that.

No need to put yourself through that at all. I really like the idea of inviting B & G out for a meal after the wedding, (If this would fit within your budget of course.)

NeepNeepNeep · 14/05/2018 15:49

If you can get a babysitter, I would go with DH. He might need your moral support. If anyone asks where the kids are, you wanted to enjoy a child free day. If it all kicks off, just leave.