Am I going crazy

[PTW1234]

So I feel like DS4s GPs (DHs side) have basically tried to take over from the very beginning.

My FIL Worships my DS, and retired not long after I gave birth. He volunteered to do some free childcare, which I very much appreciated as money was tight when I went back to work.

I could provide a million examples where ILs, mostly FILs behaviour was undermining to our parenting of DS. We did cool off contact, which seemed to work.

But had to restart it (due to DH giving in and my work schedule) so now they see DS for a few hours during the week regularly.

FIL allows my almost 5 year old to wee in a potty, because “he was watching TV and the toilet is far away” (5ft away they have 4 bathroooms in their house), gives him a drink out of a sippy cup, when I have repeatedly told him he drinks out of a glass or beaker at home. When I say this, FIL normally gives a throw away comment about how he is still too young.. MIL uausally agrees with me, but works full time too so can’t keep him in check.

Anyway FIL has been cutting DSs nails. I don’t always notice at the time. But when it comes to the time to do them I see they are short.

Now I wouldn’t mind if if FIL would of asked and volunteered. I would of probably said yes.

But given the context it’s been grating on me. Told DH and he said he would sort. He didn’t and I picked DS up from the regular visit earlier in the week. DS was annoyed that he couldn’t do as much playing because FIL cut his nails.

So I politely texted FIL saying.

“Please can you stop cutting DS nails, it doesn’t fit into our routine and he would rather play when he comes and visits”

Not heard a dot back. We needed emergency childcare today for a few hours during the day, FILS agreed and guess who came back with cut finger nails.

They have cut my sons nails twice in the space of 5 days. If this is not passive aggressive I don’t know what is. I am prepared to cut off contact. I would rather use my family (would cost us as they live far away, ILS live 5 minutes walk) in petrol/ taxis for one of my siblings to come over, but they would love to do it. And wouldn’t take the piss.

I kind of want to ring/text and say what kind of don’t do this did you think I meant? Told DH what I wanted to say and he said he will do a variety (but not as direct).

However I think it is as direct of a communication now as. DS mother said don’t do something, you did it anyway, explain why you think you know better.

Is this petty? I am fuming, DH not so much.

Yes, it's petty.

Oh OP....the potty I can understand but to get so annoyed about them cutting his nails or him drinking out of a sippy cup is just ridiculous.

My DC got babies at their Grans and it doesn't harm them at all!

They're not daft...they know that sort of thing only flies with Grandma.

Your son's not a baby to have a "routine"! He is old enough to distinguish between what happens there and at home.

Your FIL just saw his nails needed trimming and did it.

You take free childcare then you do open yourself up for these issues.

Yes it’s petty but I sense you are focusing on that so you don’t have to deal with the utter mindfuckery of the potty thing.

Deal with that. It’s a huge problem.

I think I am more annoyed because I literally have a direct instruction of “do not cut DS nails” 3 days ago.

And he came home with cut nails.

The potty thing blew my mind when I went to pick him up and I got a bit cross about it (it was lazy of FIL and we have some bed wetting issues) so I did (on a rare occasion) speak up directly.

Oh and when I say routine I mean, we bath and bed on a Sunday night, do nails etc. I rarely see my son during the week and live for the weekend when I get to spend all my time with him

@MightyMucks well what a horrible thing to say.

When I feel the total opposite, like this is what they are doing to me. I said don’t do something to MY child. And they did it anyway.

What difference does it make who cuts his nails?

The nail cutting is petty, the sippy cup is minor but that potty is weird. I'm surprised a 4 year old would want to use one. Ask your MIL to bin it.

You live for the time you get to cut his nails? Seriously. Get a fucking grip OP.
The potty thing I can understand, but the rest. Honestly, your being fucking ridiculous.

See these seriously the reasons people go "NC" for??.
Especially after using them for free childcare for god knows how many years!!!!!
Ungrateful

It wouldn’t unless I had told them not to, but they have carried on and done it twice in 5 days.

How often does your Childrens nails need cutting?

If you went NC wouldn't your DS miss his Granddad?

The nail cutting is a bit annoying, but I'd let it go, tbh. As said, he'll be well out of routines soon.

The sippy cup and potty, I've known many GPs to let their GC regress in their Care, it's never done any harm. It won't be connected to the bed wetting.

Is your DS overhearing you threaten to cut contact? Did he miss his GD when you went low contact, how was it explained?

You don't seem to put any value on this relationship, at all.

Op yabu and incredibly petty
Look at the bigger picture
Wtf does it matter who cuts his nails or where he pisses? He's got a gf who loves him and isn't going to be around forever
When I was a kid my dgm let me drink from a bottle till I was about 7! Drove my mother mental but guess what, she died prematurely when I was 12 and we would do anything to have her back.
Live and let live, life is too short

How often do they need cutting? I have absolutely no idea, because whoever was looking after them at a time they needed cutting, would just do so. And it would never be spoke of or thought about again.

But what reason we're you telling them not to cut his nails? There is no reason! You're just trying to control what your FIL does. I'm not surprised he has pushed back.
This level of control is not normal quite frankly

Just say he's doing them too short and it's sore

You sound as though you feel underlying resentment towards them and everything is frustrating you.
There must be more to it then this :( I'm not blaming you I'm asking you if there's anything you could do to help the relationship or did anything else happen which impacts how you feel

It is petty of you to go NC over this

No you’re not going crazy or being unreasonable. Cutting your sons nails & letting him wee in a potty and not to mention giving him a sippy cup. That would really annoy me!

You are his mother if you specifically ask them not to do something they should respect your wishes and not do it, it almost seems as if they don’t care.

We didn’t go exactly NC, we timed it with him starting school.

I think I am fed up of just being totally undermined. I said they shouldn’t do something, as small as it seems and they did.

Perhaps I am going crazy!!

I think in all your 3 scenarios you cite, my only comment to my fil would be 'thanks loads for looking after him, much appreciated. I hope you had fun.'

Surprised at the responses you’re getting, OP. Obviously if you make a reasonable reques, it should be honoured. Maybe you have your particular little family way of doing things- that’s okay. I would have expected a “sure, sorry, didn’t realise!” text back. It’s not about the nails, it’s about your request being ignored and the relationship with your FIL generally. I’d phone and ask why it’s been done again- very friendly, non confrontational, see what your FIL says. Too easy to ignore messages or read the tone incorrectly.

You use your PIL for free childcare, you can't have it both ways. You 'needed' emergency childcare and they helped you out. Stop being so self centred. Either pay for childcare or suck it up. They hardly sound like demons and presumably you trust them enough to love him and keep him safe. If that's not the case then pay for childcare.
My DC have no grandparents. I have no 'emergency' childcare or any childcare.

It’s just one of them things. I’d let him do it and just explain to your DS that you don’t always do what Gdad thinks is best.
DPs and Pils are bloody annoying a lot of the time at first but you get used to it and work around it if you can.
I’d be glad I didn’t have to do the nail cutting 😁

I agree wholeheartedly with Fattymcfaterson, MightyMucks and
bluemascara.
I would add that you seriously need a life. Look at your life and see what is missing and try to fix it, because the problems you describe above are petty and ridiculous.
I am surprised that your husband agreed with the ridiculousness of your griping about these minor issues.
I grew up with my grandparents and to this day I have no forgotten the happy times we had, that is memories that no one else can replace.
This is all about power and control and you need to loosen up. You will have bigger issues to resolve and they are around the corner.
Have you thought that your husband's parents did not do such a bad job of raising him?

If you continue behaving like this you are quite possibly committing a criminal offence under new laws relating to emotional abuse

She really, really isn't.