Am I going crazy

[PTW1234]

So I feel like DS4s GPs (DHs side) have basically tried to take over from the very beginning.

My FIL Worships my DS, and retired not long after I gave birth. He volunteered to do some free childcare, which I very much appreciated as money was tight when I went back to work.

I could provide a million examples where ILs, mostly FILs behaviour was undermining to our parenting of DS. We did cool off contact, which seemed to work.

But had to restart it (due to DH giving in and my work schedule) so now they see DS for a few hours during the week regularly.

FIL allows my almost 5 year old to wee in a potty, because “he was watching TV and the toilet is far away” (5ft away they have 4 bathroooms in their house), gives him a drink out of a sippy cup, when I have repeatedly told him he drinks out of a glass or beaker at home. When I say this, FIL normally gives a throw away comment about how he is still too young.. MIL uausally agrees with me, but works full time too so can’t keep him in check.

Anyway FIL has been cutting DSs nails. I don’t always notice at the time. But when it comes to the time to do them I see they are short.

Now I wouldn’t mind if if FIL would of asked and volunteered. I would of probably said yes.

But given the context it’s been grating on me. Told DH and he said he would sort. He didn’t and I picked DS up from the regular visit earlier in the week. DS was annoyed that he couldn’t do as much playing because FIL cut his nails.

So I politely texted FIL saying.

“Please can you stop cutting DS nails, it doesn’t fit into our routine and he would rather play when he comes and visits”

Not heard a dot back. We needed emergency childcare today for a few hours during the day, FILS agreed and guess who came back with cut finger nails.

They have cut my sons nails twice in the space of 5 days. If this is not passive aggressive I don’t know what is. I am prepared to cut off contact. I would rather use my family (would cost us as they live far away, ILS live 5 minutes walk) in petrol/ taxis for one of my siblings to come over, but they would love to do it. And wouldn’t take the piss.

I kind of want to ring/text and say what kind of don’t do this did you think I meant? Told DH what I wanted to say and he said he will do a variety (but not as direct).

However I think it is as direct of a communication now as. DS mother said don’t do something, you did it anyway, explain why you think you know better.

Is this petty? I am fuming, DH not so much.

I agree with PPs - you’re being very petty and a little bit controlling- sorry OP.
I think it’s lovely that your son has such a caring, attentive grandpa. Allowing DS to wee in a potty sometimes rather than run to the loo, having a non spill cup -unless you’re all sitting up at the table, and cutting his nails now and again is something my PILs also do with my DS regularly.
I think you’re causing problems when there aren’t any....which if you continue will impact negatively on the relationship between your son and his grandparents- not to mention the relationship between your DH and his parents.

P.S. Very kind, wise words from @Alexthekid

For me, the nail cutting is so minor that I can see why they might not have taken that request seriously. They seem to be attentive to his needs and that's the most important thing. The potty thing would piss me off but it's not a 'cutting off contact' type situation. OP - your reaction seems extreme.

The potty thing is weird, and I wouldn’t be impressed if someone let mine (4 and 2) wee on a potty because they couldn’t be bothered to walk to the toilet. They know that they stop what they’re doing, go to the toilet and wash their hands.
The sippy cup... meh. I think grandparents do tend to baby their grandchildren a bit. Wouldn’t overly bother me.
I’d be pissed off it I asked them not to cut my child’s nails and they did it anyway, but I’m not entirely clear on why you asked them not to? How much does nail cutting interfere with playtime? It takes what, 5 mins at most? So I can see why they thought that was a batshit request, but I would hope that if I made a batshit request to my parents or IL’s they’d just slag me off behind my back and indulge me anyway

I do think if you want everything your own way you have to use payed childcare none of the things would drive me crazy the potty is a bit weird the others I wouldn't mind about. Do you think this might be linked to the fact you don't get to spend as much time with you son as you would like

Cutting nails? - You’re being completely ridiculous.
Sippy cup?- Irritating but not a biggie.
Potty - YANBU.

Look for alternative childcare for your DS if you’re unhappy with the free childcare you’re receiving now.

It doesn't matter what it was, the fact is the OP has asked him not to do it and he's ignored her. It's not his child and he shouldn't act like he is.

I am not sure where in my OP it was when I didn't say that I have a “million examples” of where I have felt undermined?

I do NOT want to drip feed. But feel people are (rubbing thei hands together) wanting gossip. The

No where did I state I was actually desperate in need of GP childcare. (Other than this weekend when it was an emergency). I suggested I had other family.

I have paid roughly 12.5k a year in private nursery fees and FILS help by looking after DS when they can (terribly unreliable so I actually do pay for them to have him once per week, as it is easier to to pay the extra £9 at out of school club, a week than to be short childcare.)

I do not want my ILs to cut my child’s finger nails. Because, me, his mother who works 60 hours per week, actually finds this kind of parenting satisfying.

I think you need to revaluate your life OP. Wow

I get you op. I suspect it's not so much the nail cutting but the complete disregard for you, the parent asking him not to do it. It may seem minor but combine it with a lot of other minor things and you have an infuriating problem. They should respect what you say

I'd drop it. It won't be long before your Ds refuses to do babyish things or indulge FIL in these silly things.

OP I'm a working parent too and have missed so much with my kids, I remember my MIL taking my DD and getting her a pair of Clarke's shoes, her first pair whilst I was at work.
I was so upset... then she was upset bc I was upset. In her eyes she was doing me a huge favour but in my eyes she was taking away a huge privilege.
I was so cross.
Now I'm 8 years and 2 more kids in and I now realise how much harder my life would be without my parents and my in laws.
You learn to relax, pick your battles, bite your tongue and cherish what you have bc believe me it's fucking priceless, it truly is.

You came on here asking for opinions and I think yabvu, you've got to back off a bit here and relax

Reading your update I'm even less sure this has anything to do with your FIL trimming nails. There seems to be a huge in balance between the amount of parenting you are doing and the amount of parenting you want to be doing. Is there anyway you could rebalance your life to spend more time with your dc. My view is influenced by being a SAHP currently who would be perfectly delighted if someone started doing some routine and mundane childcare chores for me, but I suspect it is a case of the grass being greener for both of us.

GreatDuckCookery
The OP should take her child to a proper day care and fork out the money. That way she can be fully in control of her little darling and be poorer in the long run.
If this is all the OP have complain about, I pity her partner, she needs to take a hard look at her life and do some serious revaluation.

Yes I agree the OP would be better looking for alternative childcare too. Preferably one that wouldn't do anything regarding her child that the OP didn't agree with

Ok please take this in a constructive way.

Do you think that you might be finding small issues and trying to make them into a really big deal?

Do you think there might be an element of jealousy because DGP have your DC all day and you have to work so feel like you are missing out? Maybe projecting this onto the ‘issues’ with FIL’s care for your DS?

Could there also be an element of control from you? You feel they are spending quite a bit of time with him and looking after him how they feel works and maybe you feel like you you don’t have absolute control on the situation and are trying to stamp your control on things?

There is clearly an issue here and honestly I think it lies with you.

Your DS will always love you best. You are his mother and you won’t ever be replaced. Please try to let it go for the sake of your DS and your own mental health.

You have to remember they managed to bring up the man (your DH) you love and think a fair bit of (I presume) so they can’t have been all bad in their parenting.