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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I going crazy

92 replies

PTW1234 · 13/05/2018 23:19

So I feel like DS4s GPs (DHs side) have basically tried to take over from the very beginning.

My FIL Worships my DS, and retired not long after I gave birth. He volunteered to do some free childcare, which I very much appreciated as money was tight when I went back to work.

I could provide a million examples where ILs, mostly FILs behaviour was undermining to our parenting of DS. We did cool off contact, which seemed to work.

But had to restart it (due to DH giving in and my work schedule) so now they see DS for a few hours during the week regularly.

FIL allows my almost 5 year old to wee in a potty, because “he was watching TV and the toilet is far away” (5ft away they have 4 bathroooms in their house), gives him a drink out of a sippy cup, when I have repeatedly told him he drinks out of a glass or beaker at home. When I say this, FIL normally gives a throw away comment about how he is still too young.. MIL uausally agrees with me, but works full time too so can’t keep him in check.

Anyway FIL has been cutting DSs nails. I don’t always notice at the time. But when it comes to the time to do them I see they are short.

Now I wouldn’t mind if if FIL would of asked and volunteered. I would of probably said yes.

But given the context it’s been grating on me. Told DH and he said he would sort. He didn’t and I picked DS up from the regular visit earlier in the week. DS was annoyed that he couldn’t do as much playing because FIL cut his nails.

So I politely texted FIL saying.

“Please can you stop cutting DS nails, it doesn’t fit into our routine and he would rather play when he comes and visits”

Not heard a dot back. We needed emergency childcare today for a few hours during the day, FILS agreed and guess who came back with cut finger nails.

They have cut my sons nails twice in the space of 5 days. If this is not passive aggressive I don’t know what is. I am prepared to cut off contact. I would rather use my family (would cost us as they live far away, ILS live 5 minutes walk) in petrol/ taxis for one of my siblings to come over, but they would love to do it. And wouldn’t take the piss.

I kind of want to ring/text and say what kind of don’t do this did you think I meant? Told DH what I wanted to say and he said he will do a variety (but not as direct).

However I think it is as direct of a communication now as. DS mother said don’t do something, you did it anyway, explain why you think you know better.

Is this petty? I am fuming, DH not so much.

OP posts:
FizzyWizzyFlash · 14/05/2018 00:06

Yanbu re potty. I can see how that is annoying. That issue needs to be addressed by your OH. Your OH needs to stand up for you.

However you're being ridiculously unreasonable about the other stuff. They are non issues and you're choosing to make them issues. You're being precious.

Why don't you do what you want to do and cut off contact with them and see how it goes for you? Otherwise you'll go round in circle and they'll annoy you and this will go on and on and on until you're all really miserable.

You're taking everything personally and that's where your biggest problem is.

FizzyWizzyFlash · 14/05/2018 00:10

The emergency childcare and the 'comes back with cut nails' but just doesn't sit right.

I would be grateful for emergency childcare:

You sound like you're looking for issues.

How can you point that out when you needed emergency childcare and they provided it for you? You do sound so ungrateful

Please tell me there is a massive drip feed and there are much bigger issues which you've failed to mention?

NotMyNameButHereForever · 14/05/2018 00:13

OP. the 'few hours emergency child care' you 'needed' today, what was the emergency?

I'm presuming not with your child (as it's him you're offlading), nor do you mention other children - please tell me it was a bona fide emergency? Truly, whilst I'd be pissed at the nails thing, that's nothing compared to how entitled and ungrateful you sound (or how shallow.. planning NC then reneging on it immediately as need next few hours of free childcare..

NotMyNameButHereForever · 14/05/2018 00:14

Hah! Cross post Fizzy, great minds Wink

5inabed · 14/05/2018 00:16

I don't think yabu and as for not knowing how often your child's nails need cut because whoever was looking after them at the time would just do it. Really? I have 3 children the oldest is 12 and no one has ever cut their nails except me and their dad. I regularly looked after my niece when she was small and I never cut her nails because that's her parents job! How weird to trim someone else's child's nails! The potty thing is just lazy and although I wouldn't stop seeing them I would not ask fil to babysit again.

User467 · 14/05/2018 00:19

What he is doing is annoying and your DH should definitely speak to him about it but going no contact over it? Are you serious? You'd deprive your child of a clearly loving grandparent because he is stepping on your toes a bit?

We are no contact with my ILs for actual genuine reasons and while I know it is for the best it still breaks my heart that my kids don't get to know one set of grandparents. To think you'd consider such a serious thing over nail cutting is ludicrous

Littleredboat · 14/05/2018 00:26

You sound really close to the edge tbh. Is there other stuff going on at the moment that’s stressing you out?

Orangewater33 · 14/05/2018 01:52

Why could he not play as much because his nails were cut?

Ubercornsdiscoball · 14/05/2018 02:12

You have used them for free childcare! Free!

isthisspring · 14/05/2018 02:25

If you need this level of control over your child's care you need to pay a professional to do it. I do wonder if you have other unhappiness about your work/life balance or family relationships because these seem very minor things to be getting cross about let alone stopping contact.

Unihorn · 14/05/2018 02:34

Orangewater33
I was wondering that too, exactly how long does it take to cut nails that it are into playtime?!

I honestly don't think I would even notice if someone cut my daughter's nails, nor
would I give the slightest fuck. The potty thing is bizarre though. Definitely throw it away if there are no younger grandchildren they use it with.

emmyrose2000 · 14/05/2018 02:47

I honestly don't think I would even notice if someone cut my daughter's nails, nor would I give the slightest fuck. The potty thing is bizarre though. Definitely throw it away if there are no younger grandchildren they use it with

Ditto. I'd have been thrilled for someone else to cut my DC's nails. It's such an irritating job.

You honestly sound very ungrateful. Your child has a loving relationship with his grandparent/s - not to mention free childcare - and you're willing to throw it away over something as trivial as nail cutting and a cup? Get a grip.

ToeToToe · 14/05/2018 03:04

I mean this kindly, but you might be going slightly crazy.

There is no reason that I can see to object to your child's grandfather cutting his nails. I do not understand why you are so upset. They're fingernails, that's all.

The potty is a bit off, and the other thing, I can't remember what is it now, so can't have been that shocking.

Chill.

ToeToToe · 14/05/2018 03:06

Oh the sippy cup is the third thing - yeah - also not the end of the world.

Can't believe you're upsettng free grand-parental childcare with these nonsense issues tbh.

Bummymum · 14/05/2018 03:10

This reply has been deleted

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AjasLipstick · 14/05/2018 03:10

Your son won't notice or care who cuts his nails and when OP.

NorthEndGal · 14/05/2018 03:24

Are there other issues you have with him, (fil) or is it just when it comes to child care?

user1471548570 · 14/05/2018 03:31

Are you all on a different planet??
OP I would go mad if my nearly 5 year old was given a potty cos they couldn't be bothered to walk to the toilet.
I don't think your going crazy I think FIL knows all this stuff irritates you and therefore does it because he can and you're letting him get away with it.
Bugger the fact that it's free childcare, your child is not a toddler and therefore shouldn't be treated like one. And to have your nails cut twice in the space of 5 days, his little fingers must be so sore.
Honestly some of the people on here must be trolls cos no person in real life would find this acceptable.

thebewilderness · 14/05/2018 04:02

Infantalizing a 5 year old is creepy and repeatedly cutting his nails is even creepier.
If this is the price your child has to pay to see the grands I would reconsider allowing unsupervised contact.

GreenItWas · 14/05/2018 04:13

YANBU OP....It is passive aggressive and the potty and sippy is infantilising and unpleasant. It's a finger up to you I feel.
I guess you have to decide if this is the hill you want to die on though? You know he's a bell end now. You can hold that fact to yourself and carry on with the free childcare or reduce contact but I think I would just carry and no longer mention any of it (unless it's genuinely heinous) In the future I might make the occasional comment like 'Grandad had to have everything his own way'. If he asks why you said it, look him in the eye and be clear and concise. I have found this way to be the only thing that works with people like this unfortunately. It would be better than going NC for everyone and you will feel better as you will bide your time but have your say.

TroubledLichen · 14/05/2018 05:12

The finger nail cutting is petty, I don’t understand why your fixating on that over the potty which is disgusting. They’re allowing a 5 year to pee in the middle of the living room as he can’t be bothered to go to bathroom?! That’s the problem, you have some really strange priorities if the nails are your main issue.

But ultimately if you don’t like it, emergency or not, stop using them for childcare. Allow them to see him only when you/DH are present. Don’t use them as unpaid babysitters then go ape shit over nail trimming, they must think you’re ungrateful and totally batshit. But if it were me, the potty thing is totally inappropriate and I wouldn’t allow unsupervised visits until they enforced toilet usage.

Olicity17 · 14/05/2018 05:53

I actually feel a bit sorry for some grandparents when i read mumsnet. They are expected tp provide free childcare, but do everything exactly as requested (even when petty) and when they dont the child will be removed from their lives completely. These are people who have clearly brough up their own kids.

I wouldnt be happy about the potty, thats issue i would be discussing. But the other stuff, I wouldnt sweat. If ds doesnt want a sippy cup, he would say. The nails thing is such a none issue. Theres no way I would be throwing threats of no contact over it. Thats really shitty.

Anquin · 14/05/2018 06:18

There is a lot of “ letting go” when you hand your child over to a GP: sometimes they want to re-live their parenting days and their ideas aren’t the same as yours.
At the end of the day it’s up to you to decide which battles to fight, but you also have to weigh up the importance of your DC having a good relationship with GPS and also you maintaining good terms with them.
My DS2 was practically brought up by DH’s mum: she looked after him exclusively during the day from 4 weeks, due to my having to go back to work.
Yes, it was hard to see him call for Nanny instead of me when he hurt himself, for example, but he loves me no less for it, and I am proud that I was able to allow my MIL to parent a 6th child - in the end it was what kept her going for over a decade longer than the doctors said she had to live, and it meant that my DS2 had an amazing relationship with his Nan...
So try to let go a little, OP, it does get easier, and your DC will thank you for it as you will be more relaxed at home if you’re not obsessing over this.
Hope you feel better soon.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 06:28

Absolutely astounded at the majority of these responses.

The FIL has no say in when the child's nails get trimmed. If he'd have cut them once when they were long I get that. But to keep trimming them after he's been asked not to is wrong. Nails don't grow that quickly that they need trimming twice in a week.

I would spell it out once last time OP that he doesn't touch your sons nails and if he then goes above your head I would stop the childcare with him.

SakuraBlossom · 14/05/2018 06:33

I feel sorry for your FIL. He enjoys looking after his GS for a few hours a week. He sounds like a nice man, who is able to take care of a young boy. I think that is quite rare TBH.

As for the sippy cup and the nails. YABU. I also think some of you are reading way too much into this. I have a lot of men in my family of all ages and passive aggression is not a trait I regularly see in a man. Its a woman's weapon. I doubt very much he is sitting there thinking that he will cut DS4's nails just to piss off the OP.

Why don't you send him to FIL's with a new cup for him to use there? Why not send him to FIL's with short nails so they don't need cutting? However, the potty thing does need addressing. Tell PIL that he needs encouraging to go to the loo as he is only 4 and needs to be 100% on this before school and you need their help to reinforce his toilet training.