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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I going crazy

92 replies

PTW1234 · 13/05/2018 23:19

So I feel like DS4s GPs (DHs side) have basically tried to take over from the very beginning.

My FIL Worships my DS, and retired not long after I gave birth. He volunteered to do some free childcare, which I very much appreciated as money was tight when I went back to work.

I could provide a million examples where ILs, mostly FILs behaviour was undermining to our parenting of DS. We did cool off contact, which seemed to work.

But had to restart it (due to DH giving in and my work schedule) so now they see DS for a few hours during the week regularly.

FIL allows my almost 5 year old to wee in a potty, because “he was watching TV and the toilet is far away” (5ft away they have 4 bathroooms in their house), gives him a drink out of a sippy cup, when I have repeatedly told him he drinks out of a glass or beaker at home. When I say this, FIL normally gives a throw away comment about how he is still too young.. MIL uausally agrees with me, but works full time too so can’t keep him in check.

Anyway FIL has been cutting DSs nails. I don’t always notice at the time. But when it comes to the time to do them I see they are short.

Now I wouldn’t mind if if FIL would of asked and volunteered. I would of probably said yes.

But given the context it’s been grating on me. Told DH and he said he would sort. He didn’t and I picked DS up from the regular visit earlier in the week. DS was annoyed that he couldn’t do as much playing because FIL cut his nails.

So I politely texted FIL saying.

“Please can you stop cutting DS nails, it doesn’t fit into our routine and he would rather play when he comes and visits”

Not heard a dot back. We needed emergency childcare today for a few hours during the day, FILS agreed and guess who came back with cut finger nails.

They have cut my sons nails twice in the space of 5 days. If this is not passive aggressive I don’t know what is. I am prepared to cut off contact. I would rather use my family (would cost us as they live far away, ILS live 5 minutes walk) in petrol/ taxis for one of my siblings to come over, but they would love to do it. And wouldn’t take the piss.

I kind of want to ring/text and say what kind of don’t do this did you think I meant? Told DH what I wanted to say and he said he will do a variety (but not as direct).

However I think it is as direct of a communication now as. DS mother said don’t do something, you did it anyway, explain why you think you know better.

Is this petty? I am fuming, DH not so much.

OP posts:
Alexthekid · 14/05/2018 06:36

Just let your DS have a loving relationship with his GF when they are together. And you enjoy having a loving relationship with your DS when you spend your time together.

Who cuts his nails really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Grandparents baby their grandchildren and spoil them, we should embrace that they can enjoy this type of relationship.

Please don't go NC, it would be heartbreaking for your son, his grandparents and for your DH too.

Try to relax a bit more and don't sweat the small stuff. It really doesn't matter if he doesn't get his nails cut on a Sunday night after his bath.

When he's older he won't fondly remember things like 'wasn't it great that I was in a good nail cutting routine'
However he will fondly remember his fun times with grandad when he was allowed to break the rules, be spoilt and maybe even 'didn't even have to look away from the tv to go for a wee, he'd bring a potty to me!'

Relax your rules and let them enjoy their time together - and I mean this with kindness.

lanbury · 14/05/2018 06:43

OP you just sound stressed out beyond belief. I'm not convinced any of this is really about nails, pottys or cups.

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 14/05/2018 06:50

Childminder here. I did my CM training with a course tutor who was an ex childminder. She used nail cutting as an example of undermining the parent and something that wasn't ours or anyone else's job but the parents. Personal care, unless requested or an emergency (child soils him/herself for example) is for the parents and only the parents to do.
I know fil isn't a childminder, but I think these "rules" apply here too.
My mil cuts my son's nails and I feel really uncomfortable about it. I cut them often enough but she always cuts them when he has a sleepover. He doesn't need the sleepover, we don't need childcare as I'm a childcare provider and we also have an 18yr old son who babysits for pizza! But our pils love having him round. Just want to point out that we're not taking advantage out of them!
It's a difficult one. Fil obviously loves your son and enjoys the time he spends with him, but he needs to also respect your choices as parents. If you say "don't cut ds's fingernails" he should respect that. He doesn't get to make all the decisions just because he provides a day or two free childcare.

The potty thing is really weird too.

MadMags · 14/05/2018 06:52

You were completely ridiculous about the nail cutting and I’d have been annoyed to receive a text like that when I’d been providing free childcare.

The babyingis more annoying but I’m sure I don’t have to point out that it is/was solvable by paying for childcare like millions of other parents have to...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 06:57

Madmags the OP is the parent here. It's up to her to decide when her child needs his nails trimming. I can understand a GP trimming their GC's nails once if they were unduly long but to keep doing it and especially after being asked not to do is passive aggressive and controlling. A child's nails do not need cutting twice in one week either. It sounds like FIL has some weird issues around keeping nails short not to mention letting his GC wee in a potty and giving him a sippy cup.

Ickyockycocky · 14/05/2018 06:58

Find alternative childcare.

Anasnake · 14/05/2018 07:00

Pay for childcare then. You're being ridiculous

Maelstrop · 14/05/2018 07:01

I don’t understand mumsnet I reckon most days, we’d see outrage and ‘Go nc, OP!” Wtaf, have I logged onto a parallel universe?! If a parent says don’t cut dc”s nails, then you don’t cut dc’s nails! Simple! And making him use a potty aged 5 is seriously weird.

MadMags · 14/05/2018 07:03

OP doesn’t have to be happy about it, GreatDuck, but as I said - why leave her child there? Because it’s free?

She needs to pick what’s more important; having things her way, or getting free childcare.

hiddenmnetter · 14/05/2018 07:05

Free childcare is never free.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 07:13

So free childcare means that a GP can dismiss anything the child's parent ask them not to do now?

ReallyHmm

MadMags · 14/05/2018 07:13

No, it means that there is a solution to the problem but it will cost money.

What’s confusing you?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 07:16

If the GP didn't go above the parent they wouldn't need to find alternative childcare. As I said free childcare doesn't trump what the parent asks the GP not to do.

StellaHeyStella · 14/05/2018 07:16

In my experience a sippy cup is used to prevent accidental spillage and I get why GPs may want to use one if they've just had a new carpet/sofa for example but to then allow Ds to piss into a potty in front of the tv, wtf is that all about?
Having said that I wouldn't get worked up about any of GFs supposed 'crimes' you sound very controlling and jealous of the time Ds is with his GPSs.
OP you need to chill.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 14/05/2018 07:20

I think you need to get a grip to be honest.

MadMags · 14/05/2018 07:20

If the GP didn't go above the parent they wouldn't need to find alternative childcare

But they do. So alternative childcare it is. OP can only control her own actions, not theirs.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 07:26

And how sad is that Madmags, just because FIL can't do as he's asked and stop being a controlling dick. Yes the OP will have to pay for childcare but FIL will lose out on his time with his grandson because he feels it's his right to go above the parent and keep doing something that's not his place to do.

PamsterWheel · 14/05/2018 07:26

Would the responses on here be different if the OP was talking about a paid child minder who had been told 'don't do X please'?

It doesn't matter what the X is, we all have differences about what is/isn't acceptable for our child which is OK right? Lots of people missing the point here. It might not matter to you about nail cutting/potty etc but if it matters to the OP she has a right to say please don't and for that to be accepted.

YANBU

MadMags · 14/05/2018 07:33

Yes, it’s sad. Or not as the case may be. Frankly, if FIL is so PA or babying the child, he mightn’t be the best person to have him anyway!

VerbenaBorensis · 14/05/2018 07:33

Well OP it could be worse- years ago I heard of s MIL who took her GD to have her long curly hair off into a bob not long before she was due to be a bridesmaid! I would be peed off in yr situ too but wouldn't go NC. The nails-maybe he thinks he's being helpful? Sippy cup-unless he revertd back home I wouldn't worry. The potty is weird-ask fil why-is it cos yr DS has a bad aim and fil has to clear it up? Does he know that DS doesn't need one? Some GPs give GC loads of sweets etc when they kno they not meant to. Maybe have someone else do some of the childcare? You could always say that u didn't think it right him doing do much. Try not to fall out over this. Yes its annoying but look at the bigger picture.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 14/05/2018 07:39

She has a right to say it but no right for it to be accepted unfortunately. If she wants things 100 per cent her way she has to pay for that privilege. You can't have your cake and eat it too unfortunately. My mum provided free childcare for me. one day i came home from work and she'd given my son his first ever haircut without asking me. I was pretty upset to say the least but had to temper my emotions and bite my tongue or find new childcare to enable me to work the next day. I couldn't afford that. She is now dead and that incident doesn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things

purlandvick · 14/05/2018 07:48

I hope ur ok after all that , it seems to come down to the fact that you are his parent and gf is ignoring your requests. Everyone has different parenting styles and his is more relaxed. Have u asked why he cuts his nails ? I hope it gets resolved , good luck with it all.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 07:50

I think it's the fact that FIL has been asked not to trim the nails but has continued to do it that's the issue here. And from his perspective it seems like he's getting what he wants from offering free childcare in seeing his GC as much as the OP is benefiting from not having to pay out for her son to be looked after.

Pamsterwheel makes a valid point regarding how posters would feel if this were someone in a paid capacity ignoring a parents request not to do something they didn't want. I can't imagine many would be happy with that somehow.

Meeep · 14/05/2018 07:53

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

It's healthy for kids to be with different adults and learn different ways to do things. Your way isn't the only way. Let it go.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2018 07:55

I get the nail cutting. It's like he is implying you are not meeting his personal care needs. That would grate on me. I also think he was being PA (men are capable of this top.) How quickly do your child's nails grow if you cut them every week and he still manages to do them a few days later!!?

The potty thing is crazy but the sippy cup is not big deal. I would address the potty thing by having a chat next time and asking him not to use a potty. Explain that DS is having problems at night and he needs to get used to using a toilet. Do it in a polite way. I wouldn't mention the nails unless it happens again in which case I would say I drop off "i cut his nails on Sunday so they don't need doing again"

If after speaking to them directly they still did it I would be firmer next time. The third time I suppose you have to look at alternative childcare.