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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH should stop paying child maintenance to his ex wife?

114 replies

TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 21:35

His son is 18.5 years old, and supposedly in "full time education".

But for the past couple of months he's been working 32hrs a week, and seldom bothers going to college. He's also gone from staying here EOW to staying here 4 or 5 nights a week.

Surely dh should not still be paying the same CM he's been paying for the last 12 years as the circumstances have changed? He's loathe to rock the boat with his ex wife But I don't see why he should continue to pay until dss is 20 years old when he's clearly not in full-time education any more?!

OP posts:

Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 09:45

Dss lives with you. He is 18. Not in full time education and is earning himself a wage. Your dh does not need to pay child support,on the flip side as you have said the ex is not working and so she will not be paying child support to you.

My son at that age probably ate that per week!

LakieLady · 14/05/2018 09:58

DSS is an adult in full-time work (30+ hours counts as FTE).

There needs to be an open and frank discussion with his mother about stopping maintenance. If she has been getting CB/CTC as well, that should stop, and if she is getting HB, that will go down.

It would be fair to phase the maintenance out over 3 months imo, to give her time to make arrangements to her outgoings.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 14/05/2018 10:01

What I would do is agree to pay until July and then stop paying her but pay into a savings account for dss. It will help him when he’s ready to move into his own place. £300 a month is £3600 a year which is £18K in 5 years.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/05/2018 10:08

The first discussion has to be with the son about his plans for the future, which should ideally be had with the mother's input as well as dad's.

The discussion about financial arrangements comes after that.

This all seems a bit academic though - surely the child support ends in a matter of months anyway? My ex stopped having to pay when they left school, regardless of whether they went on to further study or work or whatever.

Fflamingo · 14/05/2018 10:13

It’s too soon to make the decision about DSs future. That’s the main issue in all this, and setting him up for a job or career that will allow him to live independently. Cutting strings now whilst he has only been in a job months is too soon. Better to look at his long term prospects college and career wise then once decision made with DS discuss finance.

Louise56 · 14/05/2018 10:20

surely it is up to your husband? If he contemplates making any change, he would probably be well advised to consult a solicitor rather than random strangers on the internet

Murane · 14/05/2018 10:35

A full time college course is about 13 hours per week. Students are supposed to do extra study in their own time. If DSS is working 32 hours he clearly isn't studying, which is probably why he is falling behind.

If he's so close to finishing college it would be a shame to quit and waste his effort so far. I'd recommend encouraging him to significantly reduce his hours at work for a few months until he finishes college. Perhaps communicate with the teacher and arrange to help support him in finishing the work. Alternatively if it's a qualification such as a BTEC the college can let him graduate with a partial qualification based on what he's completed so far.

Re. Maintenance - if he's mostly living with you I'd be looking to significantly reduce maintenance to about £50. Or he needs to go back home - if you present that choice to the ex she'll probably take the reduction rather than have him sent back.

Is he planning to go to university? If he finishes in the autumn he'll have missed starting - what will he do till next Sept? Or is he not going to uni? (in which case you definitely shouldn't be paying maintenance)

Original poster

TwatWaffle · 14/05/2018 10:36

Dss has said due to the fact he has missed so much college, his time has been extended to the autumn or longer.

Dh has said he thinks he still has to pay until dss is 20? And the gov.uk website seems to say the same, if dss is in full time education...

Will definitely have a conversation with dss soon about his plans for the future and go from there. I mooted putting the £300 per month into a savings account ages ago as agree it's the best solution, and will help dss in the future.

Thanks for everyone's help.

To think DH should stop paying child maintenance to his ex wife?

OP posts:

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 10:39

Not saying this is the case here, but plenty of poor students work nearly full time and do a full time course with lots of study on top of it. It is the reality for many students these days who do not have family supporting them financially.

Dragonade · 14/05/2018 10:39

@Mousefunky Uni is classified as Higher Education, not full-time education I believe.

Original poster

TwatWaffle · 14/05/2018 10:40

Murane he has never mentioned uni. Hates college. I've been his stepmum for over 9 years and have never seen him with a book in his hand, despite us asking him about home work, studying, revising etc on the weekends.

He only signed a contract to work 32hrs a week a couple of months ago, and if anything is loving work so much he'll be looking to increase that. He has missed so much college due to "sickness" (we are not convinced he was genuinely ill that much).

OP posts:

Childrenofthesun · 14/05/2018 10:46

Maintenance past 18 seems a bit of a grey area, though obviously most 18 year olds require some support. My DSS is the same age, at university so no longer living at home but during holidays will spend more time at his Mum's than at ours. We worked out a sum that would support him alongside his student finance and pay it directly to him, then leave him to work out finances like board in the holidays with his Mum. She knows what we contribute.

If he is spending the majority of time with you there is no need to pay any maintenance to her at all.

baxterboi · 14/05/2018 10:48

My DP is in a similar situation. 18 year old son has quit college and now works full-time and lives with his mum. The agreement in the divorce was my DP would pay £650 per month until his son was either 21 or moved out. Now he isn't in education but works full time I don't know if that would change but tbh I just keep out of it all, its their son, their money etc and time goes so fast he will be 21 before we know it!

Murane · 14/05/2018 18:05

I assume DSS must be studying BTEC or something? As if it was A-levels the date of the final exam would be fixed and he couldn't just extend to the autumn? If it is BTEC then he doesn't necessarily have to complete the full course - the college should be able to award him a certificate or diploma based on however many units he's completed so far. Might be a better solution for him than attempting to complete the course?

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