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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should stop paying child maintenance to his ex wife?

114 replies

TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 21:35

His son is 18.5 years old, and supposedly in "full time education".

But for the past couple of months he's been working 32hrs a week, and seldom bothers going to college. He's also gone from staying here EOW to staying here 4 or 5 nights a week.

Surely dh should not still be paying the same CM he's been paying for the last 12 years as the circumstances have changed? He's loathe to rock the boat with his ex wife Hmm But I don't see why he should continue to pay until dss is 20 years old when he's clearly not in full-time education any more?!

OP posts:
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 23:48

No that includes housing and bills for a child. As well as food, clothes, entertainment, childcare, etc. £75 a week for someone working, is very little.

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:50

and considering the DP is paying full amount monthly to EX who does not have the majority care and also paying for the sons up keep eg food/water/heat etc while the son is living rent free i really dont think the dad can be classed as not a decent dad

the dad sounds a responsible caring parent that i can see

ArcheryAnnie · 13/05/2018 23:53

and considering the DP is paying full amount monthly to EX who does not have the majority care and also paying for the sons up keep eg food/water/heat

Except that the son is 18 and until the last couple of months the ex did have majority care.

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:55

and your point

NotMyNameButHereForever · 13/05/2018 23:57

'As for rocking the boat with the ex wife-fuck her, just because dh and her fall out does not mean she can block his son from seeing him anymore or anything as the son is now an adult and therefore cannot be pulled into disputes like that so easily.'

Are we reading the same OP/OP's subsequent posts??! Not rising to your goady as shite 'fuck her' vis the Ex-W but am uber keen to know where you invented gathered the above from? OP said nada about ExW trying to block contact....

I must be getting old. I can recall when you could post on MN and have an informed thread with many different views... Now folks confuse themselves with lawyers (seeing this a LOT, including on this thread) but fail to make clear that they are not, and/or just here for a barney.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 23:59

''His son's mothers welfare is a part of his sons welfare - I think that's a good approach.''

not really no, love of the son should be unconditional, no father should have to buy it. Mum is an adult just like her son now and they are no longer together so dad should not be paying for her. While the ops dh should rightfully help his son to secure his future, I don't see why he should be giving his ex money to not rock the boat.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 14/05/2018 00:00

OP Was/is there also a Spousal Maintenance 'Agreement' in place between ExW and DH? Or just the child maintenance?

How much does DH earn and did ExW have a career break to raise DSS?

bottleblue · 14/05/2018 00:04

boilerhouse2007

yep - in other circumstances I do believe that - but if you read further..

'Sorry - i'd like to retract my earlier submission in the light of new information! (was probably thinking of own circumstances) Sounds like frank chats and transitional planning might be good'

boilerhouse2007 · 14/05/2018 00:05

''Are we reading the same OP/OP's subsequent posts??! Not rising to your goady as shite 'fuck her' vis the Ex-W but am uber keen to know where you invented gathered the above from? OP said nada about ExW trying to block contact....''

i was responding to the ops point of where she said her dh is worried about rocking the boat with the exwife, i said fuck her in that by rocking the boat it only means the ex would make custody hard but why would the dh care about rocking the boat as the son was now an adult so what power did the exwife have?! Duh

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:05

The real issue in the here and now is about what the son does with his life. OP if I was you I would advise your DH to talk to the son and help him figure out what he wants to do. That is the real issue.

bottleblue · 14/05/2018 00:10

But actually boiler I wasn't talking about buying the son's love - just recognising that sometimes looking after your son's welfare has to involve taking the other people in his life into account. That seems like standard responsibility taking to me.

boilerhouse2007 · 14/05/2018 00:11

''No that includes housing and bills for a child. As well as food, clothes, entertainment, childcare, etc. £75 a week for someone working, is very little''

housing is part of the mortgage or the rent the parent is paying if they renting- and the bills are things like 'food', 'clothes' 'entertainment'. Many kids can be brought up on 75 quid a week and many in the UK are and on less. I am assuming mum got the house so that is why dad is paying just 300 and just because dad is working does not mean he earns alot.

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:13

Of course a proportion of rent or mortgage counts as child maintenance. You can live in a much smaller house or flat if you don't have children.

boilerhouse2007 · 14/05/2018 00:15

''But actually boiler I wasn't talking about buying the son's love - just recognising that sometimes looking after your son's welfare has to involve taking the other people in his life into account.''

perhaps but still the son is no longer a boy now, he is legally a man and an adult so that changes everything.

flopsyrabbit1 · 14/05/2018 00:16

the RP could be getting HB for all we know

but i guess thats the point there is so much we dont know

bottleblue · 14/05/2018 00:19

the son is no longer a boy now, he is legally a man and an adult so that changes everything.

well not everything - he doesn't stop having emotional attachments and welfare needs magically on reaching 18. Depends on the circumstances I'd say. I definitely wouldn't just 'fuck her' as soon as he's 18 anyway - young adults can be really vulnerable.

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:19

Child maintenance is not worked out on the basis of benefits the resident parent gets. Is it based on the non resident parents income, amount of nights child stays with them, and if they have any other children.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/05/2018 00:35

I think it’s a bit early to be changing maintenance.

He’s still in full time education. They haven’t chucked him out. He’s only just changed EOW. And next month he may well go back to EOW.

The Mum will have been factoring in housing the son and will still be paying rent for his room, the greatest expense in maintaining a child. Give them time and if he’s wanting to move to yours instead then a gradual change in maintenance. Also, explaining to son that both parents can’t be paying for a room just in case he fancies it.

Monty27 · 14/05/2018 00:47

Why don't you just let the young fellow's dad support him?
He's staying at yours 4/5 nights a week. In the maternal home the bills still have to be paid.
You sound resentful op and your oh sounds like a good df.
Let it go.

Original poster
TwatWaffle · 14/05/2018 07:20

Resentful? Maybe. But to clear up a few facts because other people are jumping to massive conclusions here...

  1. The ex wife cheated on dh and broke his heart 13 years ago.
  2. She got a very good deal with the divorce. She has 3 "children" (two now adults) with three different Dads, and each time she's moved on she has got richer and richer to the point she now drives a brand new sports car and holidays approx four times a year to places like Dubai. She doesn't work and never has. Her youngest goes to a fee-paying school.
  3. Dh and I have been together 9 years and have two young children.
  4. He is an excellent Dad. I am an excellent StepMum, thanks very much Smile

Hope that helps clear some things up. ExW isn't struggling by on £75 trust you me ! I won't be posting any more details as too identifying.

I agree with the PP that it's now about the future and what happens going forward.

OP posts:
Contrabassista · 14/05/2018 07:32

Pay the son the £300 per month then he can rent a room and leave home. Win win. It’s not going to the ex’s holiday fund and the kid gets to leave home.

Willow2017 · 14/05/2018 07:45

marjorie
Op has stated quite clearly its not a court order it was agreed between her op and his ex. So they can discuss changing this between themselves without going to court at all. The son only stays at home 8 days a month. We dont know what else ops dp has contributed over the years it could have been a lot more than £300 a month. Stop portraying the ex as some downtrodden destitute just because she is a woman.
An adult working and earning his own money is no longer a child needing all the stuff a growing child needs.

If he is working 32 hours a week rarely going to college thats hardly in full time education.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/05/2018 07:46

I am assuming mum got the house so that is why dad is paying just 300

Why are you assuming that, boiler? She might have, she might have not. There's no evidence either way.

The conversation for some of the posters on this thread seems to go thus:

OP: "DH is paying £300 a month, and has stayed with us a lot the last couple of months"

A Chorus Of MNers: "he probably gave her the house!!! He might be paying for all kinds of other things!!"

He might be paying for other things, but he might not. The OP hasn't told us. I am constantly amazed at the very low bar some people set for being a responsible father, as far as child maintenance goes, and how quick they are to "explain" why any stated figure should be so low.

Keeptrudging · 14/05/2018 08:03

It's only a few more months until his course is finished, I'd be inclined to wait until September. It's probably not worth the hassle to try to change things now when he's so close to finishing. As long as he's still registered at college he's still classed as 'in education'. We've got a similar situation - DSC working, but going to Uni after summer. Still paying maintenance, but once they go to Uni, the maintenance money will go to SC to support them through Uni.

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 09:42

Plenty of people do not own a house but pay rent. So why there is a house for anyone to get?