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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH should stop paying child maintenance to his ex wife?

114 replies

TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 21:35

His son is 18.5 years old, and supposedly in "full time education".

But for the past couple of months he's been working 32hrs a week, and seldom bothers going to college. He's also gone from staying here EOW to staying here 4 or 5 nights a week.

Surely dh should not still be paying the same CM he's been paying for the last 12 years as the circumstances have changed? He's loathe to rock the boat with his ex wife Hmm But I don't see why he should continue to pay until dss is 20 years old when he's clearly not in full-time education any more?!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/05/2018 21:57

rather than focus on that surely he should be wondering what is going on with him and of he is struggling at college

GabsAlot · 13/05/2018 22:08

no he shouldnt be paying if is through cms then tell them and stop

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 22:10

no he should not be paying his ex if his son is working at mostly living at yours

your DH needs to have a chat with his ex and explain that maintanance will be stopping

bottleblue · 13/05/2018 22:12

Sounds like it's you that's got the issue with the payment though OP - not him.. Personally I can see why he might not want to fall out with his son's mother if he doesn't have to - the parenting's not over yet! If he doesn't want to rock the boat he's probably got reasons for that. His son's mothers welfare is a part of his sons welfare - I think that's a good approach.

Mannix · 13/05/2018 22:13

Does DH know why his son isn’t attending?

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 22:17

How long has he been staying at yours 4 or 5 nights a week?

RancidOldHag · 13/05/2018 22:18

Will the course he's on finish this summer?

What will he be doing after that?

I think your DH may well have grounds to seek a changes to the CM arrangements, based on the number of nights a week. But it might be worth taking a wider look at what DSS will need for the next few years as he launches as a more fully independent adult, and how both parents best provide it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 22:18

Son lives primarily with his dad so if anyone should be paying maintenance it should be the mum.

She doesn’t have the costs of keeping him, OP and dad do. Mum doesn’t need the money.

Hardly anyone gets child maintenance agreed in court. Even if it is, either the RP or NRP can get the CMS to take over unless the sums owed are huge.

The child is an adult, whether in education or not. Mum knows he’s mostly with Dad so must have expected it to. How much is pandering to her worth?

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 22:24

Hang on, everyone is jumping the gun. How long has he been staying 4 or 5 nights a week?

bottleblue · 13/05/2018 22:30

good point crunchy I understood it as a couple of months from the OP?

Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 22:33

Sorry I started a thread and disappeared! Wasn't intentional. Thanks for all your thoughts and advice, especially if you were polite with it.

Right, some answers.

It's my husband's son from his first marriage, ie my stepson.
It's £300 per month, and they agreed on this amount out of court. They don't go through CMS.
Dss has confessed to me that he hates college and really wants to quit. He was meant to be finishing this summer, but as he has missed so many days due to "sickness" it's now looking like the autumn as he's got a lot of catching up to do.

I agree we need to sit down with him soon and have a frank discussion about what his plans are.

We wouldn't just stop payments, we would try and discuss it with the ex first, though to be fair dh hasn't spoken to her for probably getting on for nearly 2 years now. She is not easy to talk to.

I have suggested in the past that the money goes directly to dss now but dh didn't seem keen, esp as he's 18 and spends all his free time in the pub with his mates !

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 22:35

You’re housing and feeding him. The money stays with you.

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 22:36

If it was court agreed, you need to go back to court.

Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 22:36

Yes, he's been staying with us 4 or 5 nights a week for a couple of months now. Since he started this new 32hr a week job, which is in the same town we live. His Mum lives a 40min bus ride away so more convenient for him to stay here when he's working, or going out with his mates. We've always reassured him that this is his home and he's welcome here anytime, but it only used to be 2-3 nights a week or EOW before he got this job.

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Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 22:37

It wasn't agreed in court. They didn't go to court for the divorce 10 years ago as I understand it.

OP posts:
Hugsythespacecowboy · 13/05/2018 22:41

Why does it matter so much what's going on with his education at college? College isn't for everyone and he's got a job.

Yes OP I agree you need to talk with the ex and discuss stopping the payments if he's to continue being at yours as much as he is. Is this an OK arrangement for you that you're both happy to continue, or is there a chance he will end up back there?

Hugsythespacecowboy · 13/05/2018 22:42

Was he just going to college so his mum could continue getting benefits for him?

marjorie25 · 13/05/2018 22:44

I think you need to switch this around and ask yourself is this was me, would I be happy if my ex stopped paying child support.
At the end of the day, that's his child and I think you need to back off.
You met him with a child and knew the circumstances.
The father and son need to work this out between the two of them.

bottleblue · 13/05/2018 22:44

Sorry - i'd like to retract my earlier submission in the light of new information! (was probably thinking of own circumstances) Sounds like frank chats and transitional planning might be good.

Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 22:46

Hugsythespacecowboy that's what I've said to him - life is too short to be stuck somewhere that makes you miserable, and college isn't for everyone (it certainly wasn't for me!).

I feel for him as he's a bit stuck in the middle. Probably would be happier here, but doesn't want to upset his Mum. He's loving his job and he's becoming happier and more confident which is fab. We are more than happy to have him here, he's no trouble at all (apart from the crashing through the door drunk at 3am thing haha).

OP posts:
Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 22:50

marjorie25 I was brought up by a fiercely independent single Mum who didn't get a penny of child maintenance for either of her children, so my views on it are probably skewed. I'd like to think that I'm a fair and reasonable person, and that actually if my 18yr old adult (in my eyes) son was earning good money working 32hrs a week, and he lived with his Dad for the majority of the week now, then yes I should accept a reduction in the payment I was getting from my ex husband.

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flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 22:54

I think you need to switch this around and ask yourself is this was me, would I be happy if my ex stopped paying child support

oh stop it,why should dh be paying ex still,its for the child and the child lives with op and im guessing providing food/warmth and lots of other things

the ex will have to suck it up,shes been getting money and the child dosent live with her

ADarkandStormyKnight · 13/05/2018 22:54

Putting myself in the mother's shoes I might be concerned that his dad is encouraging him to give up on education in favour of a life where he earns money and has licence to go out and spend it at the pub. Is she supportive of him giving up education or is she at her wits end trying to get him to finish the course with a qualification?

If the latter I would suggest that this is not the time to add to the tension by withdrawing child support.

It's only been a couple of months so I'd say leave it until the plans are a bit clearer.

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 22:56

32 hrs,you should be charging him rentWink

Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 23:01

flopsyrabbit1 it has crossed my mind haha! But my Mum took a third of all my earnings for "housekeeping" from when I got my first part-time job working in shop at the age of 14 !

ADarkandStormyKnight absolutely no idea what the ex is thinking about the situation. We haven't spoken for the best part of two years.

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