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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should stop paying child maintenance to his ex wife?

114 replies

TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 21:35

His son is 18.5 years old, and supposedly in "full time education".

But for the past couple of months he's been working 32hrs a week, and seldom bothers going to college. He's also gone from staying here EOW to staying here 4 or 5 nights a week.

Surely dh should not still be paying the same CM he's been paying for the last 12 years as the circumstances have changed? He's loathe to rock the boat with his ex wife Hmm But I don't see why he should continue to pay until dss is 20 years old when he's clearly not in full-time education any more?!

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 13/05/2018 23:02

Marjorie

He lives with op 5 nights a week, is earning a good wage in his own right and is an adult who wants to quit college and work at something he likes already. Why on earth should ops dh be paying child maint to someone the adult child hardly even lives with?

A good discussion is required due to changed circumstances. Ex doesnt have to like it but i wouldnt be paying someone £300 a month for someone who is only there 8 days a month.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/05/2018 23:06

It's not your business, OP. It's between your DH and his ex-wife, and their son.

And it's £300 a month. Has your DH really been paying so little for his son all this time?

Rosevi · 13/05/2018 23:08

Similar situation - DH was paying £400 pm for DS even though he was with us half the week and was working as an apprentice earning over £500 per month. We didn’t have a court agreement, although the arrange,met was in the divorce papers.

He didn’t want to rock the boat but she was taking the pxxx in the end, we were paying for clothes, extra food etc as she was just using our money to buy crap for herself ( candles and weird sxxx). In the end we went to a solicitor who said that as DSS has a full time work contract (with college day release) we didn’t have to pay any longer, so we phased the payments over three months to give her time to sort herself out. Solicitor advised that as he was no longer in education and she was not in receipt of child benefits or him, we didn’t have to pay. Solicitor also advised that we could reclaim our overpayment.

It was a hard decision as it meant making her life a bit harder but we had to draw a line somewhere.

Not sure if this helps!

AskAuntLydia · 13/05/2018 23:11

£300 a month to bring up a child?

He got a bloody good deal didn't he.

But then, most men do.

Original poster
TwatWaffle · 13/05/2018 23:17

Oh god. Here comes the men bashers Hmm

Rosevi thanks for sharing your experience, that's really helpful Flowers

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 13/05/2018 23:17

£300 a month to bring up a child?

Well technically its £600 pm as the mother should match the contribution. It doesn't cost me that much pm to raise 3!!!

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2018 23:18

"I have suggested in the past that the money goes directly to dss now but dh didn't seem keen"

That's a really bad idea.

So your Mum made her children make up for what she didn't claim from your Dad?

Has the Mum been the primary carer since the split? Does she rely on the maintenance to be able to afford the house that she is in?

Either way it is his decision. It's a small price to pay for having the ability to live your life, with your Son only being in it Every Other Weekend.

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:19

do we know its £300

if so maybe he bought/contributed other things

mum could of been getting CTC/CB also

then the mothers contribution

stop jumping that DH got away with it and EX lived a life of misery

thats what i dislike about MN that men are always in the wrong regardless,and i say this as someone that is owed £5k in maintanance and ex stopped paying monthly amount 5 months ago

NotMyNameButHereForever · 13/05/2018 23:20

I'm struggling to see how this is any of your business TBH. You seem to be confusing SDS feeling welcome in your home (as he absolutely should do) with an increased right on your part to insert your views onto what sounds like an amicable situation.

I agree with PPs re £300 pcm - did you never question whether this was adequate or not? I suspect the ExW may well have been better off with a Court Order than that 'agreement'..

Think you should keep beak out. In nicest possible way Smile

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 23:21

''You say he seldom goes but surely the college wouldn't tolerate that.''

mmm when i went to college some people in my class rarely attended and still passed the course with flying colours. I recall a mate who was off so much everyone though she had left, she still passed everything. Me giving her all my notes/essays helped.

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2018 23:21

"Well technically its £600 pm as the mother should match the contribution."

Not when the person paying only has his Son every other weekend. The resident parent might not be able to match that amount because they took a income cut, because they are, to all intents and purposes a LP.

marjorie25 · 13/05/2018 23:25

Willow2017
She is a stepmon.

This is between four people: husband, ex-wife, son and the courts.
The current wife crow until the cows come home, but if there is a court order there is nothing she can do until the husband returns to court .
This is the husband's flesh and blood, if the husband was not working, that would be another matter.
I would be pissed if my partner was telling me to discontinue payment for my child's maintenance without sitting down and finding out what in going on in his life.
As second wife, you took him on with a child.

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:25

i think op has a right to an opinion

this is a long term relationship and all live together,it effects them all and op im sure treats DSS well and in a way takes a parental role towards him in their home

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 23:26

£300 pcm is nothing. less than £75 a week. It costs far more than that to raise a child.
The DS is still at college. He needs to decide what he is doing first. The issue your DH needs to address is what is best for his son. That is more important to focus on at this point.

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:29

people dont know what op's DP has contributed besides the £300

how much does a child cost,

varies widely

BlackeyedSusan · 13/05/2018 23:30

with a title like that I always wonder what crap excuse the sm is going to come up with for not paying maintenence... (there have been a few like that)

but there is always an exception to the rule and this one is it.

nope he shouldn't be paying maintenence fro your description, and ds should be contributing to the households. (board to both in proportion for nights stayed, as he is working, does not have to cover his costs, just teach him to be adult)

Belindabauer · 13/05/2018 23:30

If hes working full time then no, the dad should not be paying.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 23:32

''I'm struggling to see how this is any of your business TBH. ''

because she is married to the man and so it is their money, she has a point. The 'child' is no longer that and if he is working 32 hours a week and never going to college where is this maintenance money going exactly? Op has a point. As for rocking the boat with the ex wife-fuck her, just because dh and her fall out does not mean she can block his son from seeing him anymore or anything as the son is now an adult and therefore cannot be pulled into disputes like that so easily.

Rosevi · 13/05/2018 23:36

Really don’t understand those saying it has nothing to do with op. Her husband is paying his ex partner £300 per month towards the maintenance of an adult child who is earning a salary and living over half the time with her and her husband! How is that right?

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 23:40

''£300 a month to bring up a child?

He got a bloody good deal didn't he.

But then, most men do.''

For all we know the wife got the house or a million other things? Don't be so quick to judge when you don't know the whole story.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/05/2018 23:41

people dont know what op's DP has contributed besides the £300

flopsyrabbit there's no evidence of any other long-term contribution that the OP has posted about. Why are you so keen to magic up something that there's no evidence for?

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:43

and their's no evidence that its all he contributed

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 23:44

People always seem to make up things on threads on MN.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 23:45

''£300 pcm is nothing. less than £75 a week. It costs far more than that to raise a child.''

In what world? many kids are raised on this and even less and live to tell the tale...You also don't know the dad's earnings.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 23:48

''People always seem to make up things on threads on MN.''

yep or they attack the op or try to do a psycho analysis on them or pick a counter argument for every point the op says so by the time you read about 10 threads you completely lose sight of the actual issue.

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