Adopting- they want me to give up work AIBU?

[toobloodymuch]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend who due to past addiction social services are involved with. She asked me if I'd be guardian if needed. Anyway I agreed to go through an adoption assessment in case it is needed as a back up plan in case she relapses.

I work full time, have kids of my own and have a well paid job that allows me to own a nice house etc. I have strong family ties and everyone has agreed to support me. All references are fine and I have a nursery place available to have baby in case I need it. Social services would not be assisting me financially in any way as it is an adoption.

Had 5 visits from the social worker over past month and they are writing the report. Today I was informed that I was unlikely to be assessed as suitable as they want the adoptive parents of babies to not work until they go to school at age 5!!

AIBU to think this is very unreasonable. I worked when all my own kids were small, they are all fine. If I can't work then I can't afford to adopt. Their argument is that the baby will need to settle which I understand hence prepared to take adoption leave for 6 months. How on earth do they think anyone can do this?

Go over to the adoption boards...you will get good advice :)

Thanks. I really want to see if I'm being unreasonable though, because I think it's crazy that they expect that I should give up a well paid career and that if I don't the baby would be better off in the care system.

That doesn't happen at my local council. I know two people, at work, who adopted babies (through the council). They just took adoption leave and came back (albeit part-time).

From a non adoption perspective (I have no experience) I would not give up my job. Your job has got you to where you are. What would you and your kids do without your financial means?

I’d say this will become your problem and no bugger will help you if you end up needing money. But you are potentially solving a problem for SS. So put your own needs and those of your existing family first.

This certainly isn’t a national expectation and they also have no way of policing it. Once you have the Adoption Order you can do as you wish.

That does sound bonkers. I can sort of understand it for fostering where you get paid a wage, but as you say adoption leave is available for adoption.

I adopted DD aged 1, I took 10.5 months off and then she went to nursery. You do need to take time off. Adopted children are not the same as birth children (I have both).
Your birth children have been nurtured since conception, had one set of parents and have always been safe. Adopted children had none of this is 99.9% of cases. Most go through three sets of parents so have attachment issues. They need time to know they are safe with you and aren't going anywhere before they start nursery. I think it is reasonable to say they want you to take a year out. If the child is 3 then I don't think they are unreasonable. If the child is a baby then yes they probably are assuming their is no recognised SEN.

It's a wonderful thing you are prepared to do. You are definitely not unreasonable to want (and need) to work. They obviously don't live in the real world. How can anyone think a child would be better off in care than a loving family. I hope it works out for you and your friend.

How old is the baby? Has it been born? The bonding process can be quite long and complicated. You will need adoption leave. I would think that would be enough. You have to be prepared though, that the baby may have unexpected additional needs and you may eventually find it hard to work. It's a risk.

To be clear, I am happy to take 6-12 months adoption leave. I am also happy to work shorter hours after that part time etc. But they want me to be a stay at home mum, however I'd be giving up my entire lifestyle to go on benefits. It seems madness

Baby is 6 months old now.

Admittedly I have no experience with adopted children but it seems ridiculous to me to expect you to be a SAHP.

I had a friend in a very similar situation, she was taking on the child of a family member. They also insisted she shouldn’t be working, at all. I think it’s utterly ridiculous in this day and age. Especially when the alternative is the child being at the mercy of the foster/children’s homes route. This child was much much older and had already spent a lot of time with my friend so really required no major “adjustment” period. It’s utter madness.

My friend has adopted an 18mo and taking 9-10 months off before going back to work pt

How would they police it? You tell them you'll give up work. Adopt child. Take adoption leave and return to work and then what? Nothing they can do surely?

Are social services really involved in the possibility of a child being removed for adoption due to 'past' drug use?
Do not rule out the likelihood of the child having moderate or severe attachment issues, needing the stability of having you around full time.

I work in children services and have never heard of this. I would go to the next level and question this but you will definitely be needed to take a good amount of time off. Does the baby have any underlying needs that are not being disclosed to you?

Are they perhaps trying to make the point that the as yet unknown needs of the child might prevent you from being able to work further down the line? If the child's only 6m now, so much will be unknown in terms of future additional needs. It properly got my back up when this was suggested during my approval to adopt ("but I'm single, we'll need to eat so I'll need to work!") but with the beauty of hindsight many years on...they were right to try and get me thinking. My adopted child took several years before they could cope with a full school day, and still cannot handle other childcare such as after-school clubs etc. I planned to take 12m adoption leave, ended up needing 18m then much more reduced hours than I'd hoped. Totally the right thing, but a real financial pressure.

On a connected note, if the possible plan is formal adoption, you should still be eligible for post-adoption support from the LA. Adoption allowances are hard to get but do exist. The national Adoption Support Fund is also there to draw on (within a cap) for therapeutic costs.

Yes crochet, they are. She was using at the beginning of her pregnancy and lied about it. Hair strand tests all showing she's not used for months but I'm fully aware the child could have issues. I'm fine with that. I know how to access support etc.

I just don't see how they think know anyone can adopt under these circumstances I.e.not working for 4.5 years. How can anyone afford to do it.

Post on the adoption board for advice.

It's hard to say without knowing the specific circumstances of the child. A lot of adoptive parents do return to work after adoption leave. In other cases the adoptive child may really struggle with childcare and benefit from a SAHP.

The child may have been exposed to drugs in the womb. May have had a very chaotic start. And the trauma of being moved from mum to another home, and possibly a third home, all has effects on the baby. And adoptive children can have greater chances of developmental difficulties, mental health problems and attachment disorders. So it's not necessarily the same situation as your birth children doing well in childcare, depending on this child's situation and needs.

Presumably the social worker knows the child's circumstances and is making this decision for a reason. I'd ask to discuss if there are any smaller changes you could make to meet their approval. I agree that personally I wouldn't stop my career for adoption, so I can understand your decision.

The choices aren't loving home with you or the "care system" though, a baby will often be adopted by another loving family who the social workers may feel are a better fit.

Another consideration is that if the child is permanently adopted the social workers may consider whether a friend of mums, as opposed to a stranger, is a pro or a con. Whether having the birth mum in the picture will be a good or bad thing for the child growing up.

When we adopted our first DC our social worker's manager asked me to write a statement saying that I understood that working after we had our child would cause him damage. Crucially, she told me this verbally, so I sent back an email with the statement that would be taking a full year's adoption leave and would then decide whether or not to go back to work according to the best interests of DC. Then I asked her to email me if there was anything else she needed as I was likely to be unavailable to take a phone call.

By the time adoption leave was up the adoption was finalised and once that happened they couldn't have been any less interested in me, DS or DS's needs.

I work in adoption and we don't expect this.
Have you demonstrated your plans for childcare if such a situation arises?

We've adopted twice, the first time I took 6 months off because my husband was then going to be a SAHD. Both agencies have wanted between 6-12 months off. 2nd time I only took 3 but we were both home.

The reason that they ask for this is because it takes a long time for your adopted child to feel secure and to make secure attachment. The other thing to bear in mind is that some children really struggle and have other issues that make it difficult to return to work. If my husband wasn't at home during the day, I would struggle with a full time job.

You may be lucky though. The thing with adoption us that you have to be prepared for the unexpected as its never straightforward.

This is why just adopt trotted out to people with fertility problems is so cruel.

Many people would never get past panel

Having said that, I had already given up work before we adopted DD, but if I hadn't I would have had to stop work after having her. She wouldn't have coped with nursery at all, even a nanny would probably have been too much for her. She was very clingy and frightened of strangers.