Adopting- they want me to give up work AIBU?

[toobloodymuch]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend who due to past addiction social services are involved with. She asked me if I'd be guardian if needed. Anyway I agreed to go through an adoption assessment in case it is needed as a back up plan in case she relapses.

I work full time, have kids of my own and have a well paid job that allows me to own a nice house etc. I have strong family ties and everyone has agreed to support me. All references are fine and I have a nursery place available to have baby in case I need it. Social services would not be assisting me financially in any way as it is an adoption.

Had 5 visits from the social worker over past month and they are writing the report. Today I was informed that I was unlikely to be assessed as suitable as they want the adoptive parents of babies to not work until they go to school at age 5!!

AIBU to think this is very unreasonable. I worked when all my own kids were small, they are all fine. If I can't work then I can't afford to adopt. Their argument is that the baby will need to settle which I understand hence prepared to take adoption leave for 6 months. How on earth do they think anyone can do this?

But you do need to expect difficult issues to deal with. DD1 didn't become reliable at using the toilet until she was 7. She has violent meltdowns, and has lashed out at both DD2 and me. She also finds it really hard to make friends as she's emotionally young for her age, and this impacts on DD2 as she tries to join her at play time, which is unfair on DD2 and her friends.

If, at the end of the day you can't give up your job, what's the plan if this child can't cope with childcare? Don't get me wrong - you can lie to SS. But what are you actually going to do if you end up with a traumatised toddler on your hands? Or later, an olde child playing out the trauma of their early years through a detachment disorder?

The child is 6 months now. It's not necessarily goingbto be 6months old when (if) it's mum relapses and the point bw her relapsing and it been given to you isn't likely to be quick and trauma free either. So the child you may eventually be offered may be very different to the one you see now.

I am an adopter and nearly five years in I am not able to work. My children attend full time school and have no disabilities however their social and emotional needs are so great that we have appointments every week for them. Their behaviour, while theoretically from training not unexpected, can be exceptionally draining and leave me empty. We are getting every bit of support we are able to from ASF and post adoption support.
I intended to go back to work at the end of the year but was unable to for these reasons.

I think it's a good thing to consider, they've seen in happen - would it be the end of your world, if the worst happened and you couldn't work, how important is it to maintain the status quo and opportunities your money will give your current children?

Best of luck

Crazy!
Ideal to have a stay-at-home parent in this situation, but it definitely shouldn't be a requirement!
YANBU. Oh, and you sound lovely

I actually couldn't go back to paid work, I do voluntary work for a Christian charity, that gives me an outlet. But it's so emotionally exhausting, as my DDs both have attachment issues and don't get to sleep until 10pm, and DD1 has always had lots of hospital appointments.

If you adopt, you have to expect that there will be a lot of changes to your life. You may be able to go back to work after a year, but you need to be prepared for that not to be possible.

And I agree that the comment to infertile couples can 'just adopt' is so wrong. It really isn't like that.

it seems odd to me, I can understand the concept but you are seriously limiting your families if so.

I am a sahm so would qualify from that point of view, but the child would more or less have to sleep in the bath as due to me not working we live in a small flat. most people who have a sahp in the family make compromises on the size of the house/flat.

if you have a larger house with room, you most likely need two wages to support that.

As OLIVE says, social workers aren't preaching from text books and being negative, they are telling you what has been learnt over decades of adoption work and research. Adoption teams and local authorities also have to deal with adoptive placements that are struggling or have broken down. Common themes are putting the child in nursery too soon, unrealistic expectations of the child and difficulties between birth and adopted children. There are others issues to, but in response to those who say social workers have no idea, are all doom and gloom and don't know how to parent.... these social workers and those they work with are the ones who get yet another referral to help a family struggling, or find a foster home for an adoptive child, and it's the same themes again and again.... they know that some adopters say all the right things and ignore the training as something that applies to other people. But it's hard too weed those adopters out. Then things go wrong and the child suffers again.

As has been said, the OP isn't a relative and other than it being birth mum's wishes for her to be plan B, I can't see why baby would go to her rather than an adoptive family who is already approved and doesn't have any links to mum.

LIZZIE, until a child is adopted the local authority still has parental responsibility for them. So if the child has any sort of injury of course they have to ask, even if the answer seems blindingly obvious.

I realise that. But it made our lives extremely stressful. It was her idea that we should be able to avoid any accidents from happening that was frustrating. She even chastised me for not informing her of an accident after the Adoption Order had gone through and we were waiting for the Celebration Hearing. I hadn't informed her because I was due to see her at a contact with her half sister and I explained what had happened at that point.

The second time around, I followed the same procedure, and that social worker didn't want to know about all bumps and bruises, only if there was a need for medical attention. DD2 has far fewer accidents, though, as it turned out.

YANBU

They are sexist and old-fashioned. Let’s hope your support is not needed to the extent of adoption, but it sounds as though the child will be very fortunate to have you in their life in some way.

raginggirl, the issue is nothing to do with sexism or being old fashioned. Its about the needs of a traumatised child who may be impacted for life by alcohol and drugs and have many additional needs.

I'm a single adopter, I had 13 months off, I wish it could have been a bit more. Six years on with a near 14 year old, I am still only working part time.

The choice for this child is not just between the OP and the care system. There are plenty of other adopters around.

SWs do like to test commitment, but if you are going to legally adopt this child, what you do after the adoption order is in place is up to you. They can't enforce you staying home for 5 years, unless they are prepared to give you an adoption allowance. My son's SW wanted me to work part time so they coughed up.

Someone upthread mentioned something about SWs should realise they are dealing with functional families. The point with adoption though is that you are inserting a child with a dysfunctional inheritance into that functional familiy, and that's difficult.

Nothing at all to do with sexism, that's ridiculous. It's all about the needs of the child. They don't worry whether it's you or your OH who takes time off. But they want to know that the child's needs are taken care of. Adopted children need so much time committed to them, believe me. You need to weigh up all the pros and cons and then decide whether you really can really meet this child's needs.

It's nothing to do with sexism but about the needs of the child coming first.

That's bonkers, I'd appeal. And wow, you're a wonderful friend xx