Adopting- they want me to give up work AIBU?

[toobloodymuch]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend who due to past addiction social services are involved with. She asked me if I'd be guardian if needed. Anyway I agreed to go through an adoption assessment in case it is needed as a back up plan in case she relapses.

I work full time, have kids of my own and have a well paid job that allows me to own a nice house etc. I have strong family ties and everyone has agreed to support me. All references are fine and I have a nursery place available to have baby in case I need it. Social services would not be assisting me financially in any way as it is an adoption.

Had 5 visits from the social worker over past month and they are writing the report. Today I was informed that I was unlikely to be assessed as suitable as they want the adoptive parents of babies to not work until they go to school at age 5!!

AIBU to think this is very unreasonable. I worked when all my own kids were small, they are all fine. If I can't work then I can't afford to adopt. Their argument is that the baby will need to settle which I understand hence prepared to take adoption leave for 6 months. How on earth do they think anyone can do this?

'I am also happy to work shorter hours after that part time etc. But they want me to be a stay at home mum, however I'd be giving up my entire lifestyle to go on benefits. '

I would never, ever, ever, ever do this. Or even go part-time or work shorter hours. You are shortchanging yourself (your pension contribution will not be enough) and your existing children's life. And Universal Credit is an utter shitstorm.

Do not back down on this. You have worked very hard to get to this point it would be utter folly to jack that in. Just tell them you'll be unable to do it then.

It's sad but you need to put yourself and your existing children first.

Ss often pay an allowance if you stop working .

Ldkr yes I have robust plans for childcare and can evidence that I can afford it. The child has no known additional needs at the moment so it's not because they know something I don't. Yes this may change and I'd adapt my plans accordingly as I would for any of my children. But only after considering other options which social services seem to be ignoring.

I have passed all the stages but we are stuck on this. I understand that I may have to change my plans to work but to do so arbitrarily without good cause seems madness.

That's doesn't sound right. My brother has adopted a beautiful son, he's nearly 4 now. My brother took 1 year adoption leave, when DN was 18 months old, and went back to work when my nephew was still 2 years old.

I know two adopting families. First one adopted two children at the same time. Older quite unsettled, both parents went p/t so one was always at home till younger Child was 3 and went to a preschool.
Second family is a single woman and one child. She is taking a year off then going back to work. This really affected the child she could be matched with and it took some time to match her.

MyDCareMarvel they have already stated that I wouldn't receive any financial support from them! That's fine. If I'm working....

A friend is trying to adopt at the moment. Despite her working as a teacher (so termtime, school hours) and hoping to adopt a child aged 5+, she’s been told that if it comes down to them and another couple where there’s a SAHP, the other couple will always be chosen. It’s happened 3 times so far.

This may just be them trying to put you off. They generally want you to commit to 1 year off work but once the adoption order comes through (usually a couple of months after placement), they have no control over what you do. I've never heard of them asking anyone to commit to 5 years off work.

I'm an adopter and know lots of people who've adopted and I've never heard of this.

Can you reassure them with something like, 'of course, if it came to it, and LO's needs were so severe that I couldn't work, then I'd give it all up'

Sorry if you've already said, but where has the baby been for past 6 months? Is the mother relinquishing the baby or has it been put up for adoption by SS?

SS do NOT pay you an allowance to stop working .

If you are adopting a hard to place child with very significant special needs then you can APPLY for an adoption Allowance but they are very very hard to get and keep.

The baby will NOT be in the care system if the Op doesn’t adopt it, it will be placed with another family.

OP what will you do if you adopt this child and he/she is not able to cope with going to nursery at all, let alone full time ?

With respect you don’t seem to have much understanding of the needs of traumatised, drug affected babies .

The thing is, even if you are planning to give up work it makes financial sense to take full adoption leave before you stop working. So if you tell them that you will be taking full adoption leave in order to get statutory adoption pay and payment for your accrued annual leave then you don't need to quit straight away. By the time adoption leave is up the adoption should have gone through and you can do whatever you feel is best.

A good friend of mine adopted a few years ago. She took 9 months adoption leave and returned to work. Child was just under a year old at adoption. It appears to me that most agencies are trying to force mothers INTO work not out of it.

My friend adopted a family member and they said the same to her. She had a good job and ended up on benefits for 5 years. I think it's completely unreasonable, it doesn't teach a work ethic and when she went back to work she was no longer qualified to do her previous job. I'm not sure whether the rules have changed now but I don't think it helped anyone, I'm sure nursery a couple of days a week would have done them both good. Maybe it depends which area you are in? What a lovely thing for you to do.

I think there could be very good reasons why a baby needing adoption due to substance misuse may not be suitable for nursery.

If SS have approved/prospective adopters on their books, approved for a baby, where one parent can be a SAHP and give 100% focus on building attachments, and getting help for whatever issues the baby may come to show, then I can see why they might think them preferable.

SS need to find the best parent(s) they can, and not just place with a friend of the birth mum if they don't think she can provide the time and stability needed.

I’ve adopted. My intention was to return to work after a year of adoption leave. It just didn’t work out that way though. My child’s needs were such that I had to be with him and there is no way he could have coped with nursery or a childminders (and they probably couldn’t have coped with him.)
Parenting adopted children is totally different, their attachment issues make it so.
SS can’t make you give up work but I suspect what they are trying to do it to get you to understand you may well have to be flexible and change your plans if that is what your child needs.
Good luck

OLIVE that’s exactly what my LEA did, an allowance not to work until the child ( age two atm) was in full time school. Child is now year eight , so not that long ago.

Not LEA! Sorry on another thread.

We've adopted and have meant a lot through the process. Vast majority work. Some have found it hard and so have changed hours and one has given up work - she is supporting her child with SEN diagnosis. My point though is that flexibility is the key and you are demonstrating this in bucket loads. As someone else has said ask to speak to the manager. This is all so much lead by opinion. Make sure the manager knows what you have told the social worker. Ask to go to panel. They can disagree with the social worker's recommendation - otherwise obviously there would be no point of the panel. To be honest our panel meeting made me cry and we had the support. I was pushed about working as I planned and did go back to work. Stick to your guns though. Let the love that you must feel already for this baby shine through. Good Luck.

Sympathies. System seems unfair and rigged towards couples who have one single higher earner. That's unfair. However, I suppose many adoptive kids do come with a multitude of challenges which might not be best met by just being in a nursery 5 days a week.

I adopted DD age 7 and already in primary school at matching panel one of the panel members made a very big deal about me going back to work after a year. I think it was a test to check you're willing to put the child first if childcare doesn't work for the child.

I know someone who adopted a few years ago. They asked me to lie and say she was taking a year off when their toddler arrived. The reality was she was taking three months.

'of course, if it came to it, and LO's needs were so severe that I couldn't work, then I'd give it all up'

Adoptive Mum of 2 children.

The line above is the tack to take.

Do you have a working DP?

You have to remember a lot of children are adopted older so fewer years to school.

Also social workers do come up with some weird ideas, I'd think anything over a years adoption leave is a bonus, as long as childcare is good /consistent and baby is doing well

However as someone who adopted a baby, it's no guarantee of an uncomplicated child, in fact I have been very close to giving up work only now because of his problems in secondary school. Have you a good support network and would you manage if baby turned out to have SN or attachment problems /FAS and need more daytime care than planned? Presumably you've gone through all this in assessment.

My friend recently adopted a 6 year old. She is a single parent. Took 6 months off but couldn't afford more and it was fine. Obviously not a baby but her child has some mild additional needs, he was very neglected with his birth family. She managed to sort work so she could do some at home but she has coped brilliantly with him. Her adoption took nearly a year to become finalised though due to some issues with his birth family so it's not always a quick thing.