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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept this money?

121 replies

LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 17:07

My cars been playing up and I could really do with something newer. Me and Dd have just moved house, so don't have loads in savings at the moment but can afford to be putting some away each month.
I get on ok with Dd’s dad and I’d asked him about my car, he knows cars and said he thinks I’m best trading in now.
I don’t have enough to buy out right so was considering finance but he’s said he’ll lend me the money and just give me a bit less in maintenance while I pay it back. He pays more than he should anyway and said if I’m struggling I can always say and he won’t reduce that month.

It will save me money as no interest and I’m not sure I’d even get finance as I only work part time. But he is my ex and when I mentioned it to a friend who said “no way, should I borrow from him and that he will in effect own my car”. But he’s also Dd’s Dad and me having a reliable car effects her.

But now I’m not sure if I’m unreasonable to say yes and if he only offered because he’s DD’s Dad and feels he should.

OP posts:
Original poster
LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 17:15

Missed off....
I’d be losing £50 a week so £200 ish a month out of maintenance he pays, but that’s above what csa day he should. But my friend said what if he reduced to csa minimum and still took £50 off and that might leave me struggling a bit. Although not to the point if not being able to pay bills and important stuff.
But it’s something I’ve to consider, I guess.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 12/05/2018 17:17

If you get on well with him and he's happy to put the agreement in writing then I would go for it. How much would you be borrowing in total?

StellaHeyStella · 12/05/2018 17:17

Your post reads as if you have a very good relationship with your ex, if this is the case and you have no concerns about him being controlling for example I'd definitely accept his offer.
Don't forget he will be thinking of his dd and the need for her mum to have a reliable vehicle to drive her around in.
I question your friend's motive for advising you not to accept the loan from ex dp, either she knows something you don't, her judgement is clouded by her own bad experience or she's just plain jealous.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/05/2018 17:18

As long as he is being genuinely helpful and not acting with an ulterior motive then I think that's great.

higgyyellow · 12/05/2018 17:19

I wouldn't. But I wouldn't want to have someone with any sort of a hold over me, I'm far too independent for that.

crumble2 · 12/05/2018 17:22

Well if he's paying above what he needs to, and he isn't trying to control you, then it sounds reasonable. Take up the offer.

RandomMess · 12/05/2018 17:25

If he went to CMS minimum he couldn't take the £50 off, it would be a personal loan he'd have to get you to repay...

Original poster
LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 17:32

We get on well, considering he’s my ex and I think he’s genuinely offering to help. But I tend to think the best of people and mt friend the worst! He’s kept it hidden that he’d like to get back together and my friend thinks anything he does is about that.

I’d be borrowing around £5000, I have around £3000 of my own as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 17:34

How could he make me pay it back Random? As in all at once? And do we need to have something in writing saying all this. He was just going to give me it and then pay a bit less in maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 17:37

He hasn’t kept it hidden he’d like to get back together. Sorry I’m on my phone and it’s rubbish!

OP posts:
MumofBoysx2 · 12/05/2018 17:42

Would you better off finding a good, honest garage and sorting out your car instead? Then maybe you could save for a part exchange option? Then you wouldn't be beholden to the ex or a finance deal (I would avoid that option like the plague - daylight robbery with those interest rates!)

Missingstreetlife · 12/05/2018 17:46

You can get a decent car for less than that. Don't take advantage if he's still,sweet on you

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/05/2018 17:46

Yes you need the terms of repayment in writing and if possible include the payments he makes now and the payments he will make for the duration of paying off the loan. It probably won’t stand up legally but at least hopefully he’ll feel bound by it. He sounds like a decent man. He wants the mother of his child to be driving around in a safe car. Good on him.

higgyyellow · 12/05/2018 17:47

I’d be borrowing around £5000, I have around £3000 of my own as well.

No way. I thought you were talking about a reasonable small amount. £5k is a pretty strong hold.

If I were you I would use your £3k as a finance deposit.

higgyyellow · 12/05/2018 17:47

He’s kept it hidden that he’d like to get back together and my friend thinks anything he does is about that.

Another reason why you shouldn't.

Findingdotty · 12/05/2018 17:53

Paying it back at £50 a month you would be tied to him financially for 8 years. That's a long time. I would think about a cheaper car and getting financial for a smaller amount with your £3K as a deposit.

You may get on well now but things do change between exs.

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 17:54

Only you know why the two of you split up and how many strings if any would be attached to this money. If he genuinely just wants to make sure his DD is being driven in a safe car, then I'd accept it.

kikashi · 12/05/2018 18:08

Have to ask - do you really need to spend that much on a car - that's quite a lot. You can get reliable 2nd hand cars for your £3k

confusedlittleone · 12/05/2018 18:09

Don't do it
A) he still likes you.
B) even if he was trying to be nice- why punish his daughter in the process?

Hidingtonothing · 12/05/2018 18:13

I'd buy something cheaper, would rather be independent.

abigailsnan · 12/05/2018 18:17

Your ex sounds as though he wants to make sure your DD is driven around in a safe car and even if you are not now together you sound as though you have a reasonable relationship,is your friend jealous of that relationship has she had a bad deal from an ex partner and classing all men the same ??
I would accept the offer, at least if you need to hold back some monthly repayments he will understand why, not like a finance Company.

higgyyellow · 12/05/2018 18:19

I would accept the offer, at least if you need to hold back some monthly repayments he will understand why, not like a finance Company.

What a ridiculous reason to accept Confused

Allthewaves · 12/05/2018 18:22

In light that he wants to get back together then no I wouldn't borrow the money - it's giving him false hope even though u jut see it as a loan, he will see it as more

Original poster
LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 18:24

His friend who I trust looked at the car, he’s said he thinks I should get rid now MumofBoys.
I’m going on what my ex thinks is a good idea car wise (I don’t have a clue) but the one I have isn’t that old and it cost around £5000. Cars are so expensive though, I’m really not looking at anything flashy.

I’d be paying back £50 a week so approximately £200 a month Finding. Will be around 2 years.

OP posts:
makingmiracles · 12/05/2018 18:28

For you and one child you can easily get something second hand and not to9 old or too much mileage for £3k, if you opt for a smaller type of car it’s totally doable, I picked up a 1.2ltr small car, secondhand with only 26k miles on it for £2200....

At the very least I’d say deposit for finance deal(not ness New) as if he would be withholding 200 a month of maintanance then you would be able to afford finance repayments.

I personally wouldn’t borrow from him as ties you more than you are, he will effectively own your car till you pay him back and lastly, he’s obviously a ex for good reason!

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