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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To accept this money?

121 replies

LastGoodbye · 12/05/2018 17:07

My cars been playing up and I could really do with something newer. Me and Dd have just moved house, so don't have loads in savings at the moment but can afford to be putting some away each month.
I get on ok with Dd’s dad and I’d asked him about my car, he knows cars and said he thinks I’m best trading in now.
I don’t have enough to buy out right so was considering finance but he’s said he’ll lend me the money and just give me a bit less in maintenance while I pay it back. He pays more than he should anyway and said if I’m struggling I can always say and he won’t reduce that month.

It will save me money as no interest and I’m not sure I’d even get finance as I only work part time. But he is my ex and when I mentioned it to a friend who said “no way, should I borrow from him and that he will in effect own my car”. But he’s also Dd’s Dad and me having a reliable car effects her.

But now I’m not sure if I’m unreasonable to say yes and if he only offered because he’s DD’s Dad and feels he should.

OP posts:

MyPuppyIsADick · 13/05/2018 19:39

OP I really don’t think it’s a big deal. Take some money from him to get a decent car and deal with reduced maintenance payments. FWIW I wouldn’t get a PCP deal, I’d always choose to buy an older car outright. PCPs are a nightmare to get out of.

higgyyellow · 13/05/2018 19:46

You are using him. He still likes you and you are playing on it. A few years ago my friend had the same situation but it was a house. He paid her rent upfront for a year. She met someone else. Her ex was livid and got arrested several times for constant door banging and refusal to accept she was free to do as she pleased because he gave the money for the house.

Be an independent person and source your own finance.

Original poster

LastGoodbye · 13/05/2018 20:28

I really don’t think I'm using him. He offered and its money he's giving me anyway or shouldn't I take anything other than csa minimum from him? He knows I don't want to get back together, and we are both seeing other people.

And I’d be able to be much more financially independent if I wasn’t the main carer for our daughter, if I’d not put my plans on hold while he continued his career progression. I won’t feel guilty that just because we aren’t together he’s still willing to offer me some support as the mother of his child.

OP posts:

higgyyellow · 13/05/2018 20:32

Ok. Earlier on in the thread you said he wanted to get back together. Anyway it's your decision, but there is not much point in making a thread to ask opinions just to disagree with anyone who comes up with a reason why it may not be a good idea.

Adviceplease360 · 13/05/2018 20:38

Yadnbu.
He's helping his dd and the mother of his child, its good you have such a great relationship.

readyforapummelling · 13/05/2018 20:52

Sounds like the problem is the engine coil has eroded. Should cost about £130 to fix.

readyforapummelling · 13/05/2018 20:55

I have read the thread btw, I'm just offering insight into the Corsa dilemma.

Original poster

LastGoodbye · 13/05/2018 20:59

Yes he’s been open that if I’d like to, he’d want to try again. But I’ve told him that’s not going to happen and he knows me well enough to know, that buying me a car wouldn’t change that.

I’m not disagreeing with everyone who doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I’m thinking about what people have said and taking their advice on board.

I didn’t like your ‘be an independent person’ comment. Because I don’t agree that my ex helping financially when we share a child, is in anyway a reflection on my independence.

OP posts:

NukaColaGirl · 13/05/2018 21:03

@LastGoodbye

You know your ex, and your relationship with him the best. If my ExDP offered me a loan like that, I’d take it, because we are friends, because I know he wouldn’t Lord it over me, or take the piss, or rub it in my face etc etc. There are other things he’s done for me that other people have balked at but I don’t give a fuck, I needed a hand, he offered, I accepted, alls well. It works the other way with me and him too.

higgyyellow · 13/05/2018 21:03

I didn’t like your ‘be an independent person’ comment. Because I don’t agree that my ex helping financially when we share a child, is in anyway a reflection on my independence.

Fair enough. I'm not saying he shouldn't provide for his child, but you shouldn't be dependent on him to solve your car problem.

NukaColaGirl · 13/05/2018 21:03

There’s being independent and there’s cutting your nose to spite your face.

FASH84 · 13/05/2018 21:06

If you have a good relationship (which is uncommon for exes on MN but IME more common in real life) loan as little as you can from him to get something reliable. Make sure you put something in writing for both your sakes, didn't need to be notarised etc just signed and dated by both of you and preferably a witness.

Original poster

LastGoodbye · 13/05/2018 21:38

They’ve been checked ready when it first did it and when spark plugs were changed. It’s getting a thorough look over tomorrow so I’ll see what he says then.

We do get on as friends, actually had a lovely afternoon together today. He’s never been controlling or unfair with money, he likes to feel he’s involved and contributing towards dd. For instance, I’m going away in summer and when I booked he offered to pay towards it as he knew I’d have the single person supplement to pay, when ever I get dd new clothes or shoes he offers half towards, despite me saying there’s no need.

I’m not sure what we need to put in writing though and he says we don’t need to.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 22:24

Don't get a cheap banger....as it will only cost you loads in repairs.

If you pay £2k - 3k for a car, then it's an old one....and it's going to be unreliable. When you have a small child driving on country roads you need a decent car.

It would be regression for the OP. Getting a loan would cost more in interest and he obviously isn't short of it or he wouldn't have offered. Take him up on the offer.

happysnappysandwich · 13/05/2018 22:27

Errrrrm, just buy a £3k car? It's a no brainer surely. You can get something very reliable with that!

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 22:29

As the borrower, it's not really beneficial to have it in writing. As the lender ...It's in his interest yo have it in writing ...so I'd he's okay not having it in writing then go with that.

He isn't intending to create legal relations with you. He sounds decent.

I wouldn't tell your colleague your business any more.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 22:32

just buy a £3k car? It's a no brainer surely. You can get something very reliable with that!

Very reliable and £3k for a car don't go hand in hand IMO.

This isn't the calibre of car the OP wants.

Original poster

LastGoodbye · 14/05/2018 17:41

Thanks Sandy I think this and the last car have made me nervous now and it’s knocking my confidence in driving further afield.

My cars back and nothing particularly wrong found, so all being well I can get my new one on Friday!
Ex will just transfer me the money and he’s not bothered for anything in writing.

I’m seeing someone, pretty early days and I mentioned it today and he’s a bit about it. But honestly I don’t think it’s any of his business and if it really bothers him I guess he’s not right for me.

OP posts:

janetheimpaler · 16/05/2018 09:45

It sounds like you have a great ex. It is good that he wants the best for his daughter. Don't tell him that "there's no need", let her have the Dad that she deserves. He can be a good guy, just not your good guy.

Original poster

LastGoodbye · 16/05/2018 19:07

It’s all sorted janetheimpaler. The moneys in my account and I pick my new car up on Friday/possibly Saturday.
He is a good ex and daddy, you’re right. Not sure if I’m a total idiot to not give him another chance really.

OP posts:

janetheimpaler · 16/05/2018 20:36

Great, enjoy your new car. As for romance, the heart wants what the heart wants, it can't be forced.

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