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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re: overbearing inlaws

79 replies

saray1 · 10/05/2018 10:24

Hi there Mummies, new to this and I apologise it's long!

Me and my husband have been living with his parents for the last 4 years. What was a request of theirs to live with them (for what should have been 6-12 months) when we initially got married rather than renting, two kids later, a year and a half of searching for the right family home to buy and over a year of complete renovations, we are finally ready to move into our beautiful new home. Living with them has not been without its issues, they both work from home and I look after a 3 yr old boy and a 9 month old girl, I also take care of whatever Admin I can do from home for me and my husbands restaurant, so I never get space or privacy away from them, something I craved and was really looking forward to having finally! I have recently discovered thou that they plan to sell their home and are looking to buy the house on our new street. They haven't said anything to us, it was something I happened to see on FILs laptop, genuinely was not snooping! They've already viewed the property, had a big meeting at the bank, they've had their current property valued (they told us just because they were curious), they've talked about moving before but they have always wanted to move to one certain area, it's obvious they've changed their mind and decided to follow us to where we are going. My husband and I are not happy, especially seeing as our new house is only a 7 min drive away from them, not a massive distance at all and we were ready to finally be a proper family and raise our kids without interference on a daily basis. The thought of nothing changing really upsets me, to state the issues with my FIL I'd be here all day! Also they plan to retire, which means free time, which means they most definitely will always be at ours or expecting us to go to theirs! How do we kindly let them know we know what they're up to without them accusing me of snooping and that we need a bit of distance, please don't move so close by to us?

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 10/05/2018 10:26

Won't it be different living in separate houses? I don't think you'll find it as hard work. Just set clear ground rules about when you're available and not available. They'll be working during day for example so you'll get all days free and not unreasonable to want some evenings alone with hubby either

IronMansIronButt · 10/05/2018 10:27

So you've taken advantage of them for four years, when it suited you and now you want them to fuck off and leave you alone now you're done with them?
No, there is no way you can kindly inform them that they are now surplus to requirements and you won't allow them to move where they want to.

(btw, I wouldn't address MN'ers with "hi mummies" if I were you, for many reasons)

QueenofWhisperz · 10/05/2018 10:29

the closer I am to people in distance, the less often I see them.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/05/2018 10:32

You can't and shouldn't let them know anything. If they want to move house and it happens to be near your new house there's not a lot you can do tbh.

Once you're in your new home hopefully things will settle down. And like the pp said they have put you up for years enabling you to renovate it!

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 10:33

So you used them for nearing half a decade, so you could save for your fancy house you wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford, and now they aren’t allowed to live near you. Awesome.

Motherofallbeasts · 10/05/2018 10:35

It doesn’t really make sense to me. My PIL are difficult controlling people but there is no way I could stay with them for a weekend let alone live with them for 4 years. If they have got accustomed to having a lot of contact with you and wish this to continue it shows that they don’t share your views. I really don’t understand how you can all be living together but on such different pages in terms of how you view your relationships.

mamas12 · 10/05/2018 10:39

Well I don't suppose you can stop them
But I would make sure neither your dh or you give them a key to yours and make sure you have doors that only open with a key.
Keep making comments re how great it will be without you lot under their feet and what plans they will have now that their child free so to speak
T all about your own work plans and family plans
If they offer to do things for you around the new house refuse and say now that you're out from under their feet take the game to enjoy their lives proper.y
Maybe pay for a holiday/ break fir them?
Just keep distancing slowly

Original poster

saray1 · 10/05/2018 10:42

Just to be clear, as I have stated in my original post, they requested we stay with them rather than renting, we weren't taking advantage, we pay pretty much all bills, I cook and clean daily, look after my kids, aswel as other things, while they run the newsagents attached to the house. I have actually left before because it's been too much at times buh returned because I ddnt wna keep my son away from his dad! All my family live near enuff 3 hour drive away!

OP posts:

IronMansIronButt · 10/05/2018 10:44

Nobody made you, its suited you and saved you a fortune. Bet there was plenty of free childcare as well?

Original poster

saray1 · 10/05/2018 10:45

And the last time I tried to leave, my MIL physically took my son out of his pram and refused to let me leave. It's harder now with another child to up and leave. And I dnt have my own car.

OP posts:

Original poster

saray1 · 10/05/2018 10:47

That's a brave assumption ironsmanironsbutt. Im always with my kids, might be hard for u to believe buh it's the truth!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 10/05/2018 10:48

You accepted the invitation to live with them and stayed for years, to suit you and your own family.

It doesn't matter how you dress it up, they've been bloody good to you.

Lizzie48 · 10/05/2018 10:48

It has been good of them to have you living with them for 4 years, but I can understand why you're desperate for your own space now after living with your in laws for so long. You can't stop them from living where they want to, but you need to start as you mean to go on and create good boundaries.

I second the suggestion that you could treat them to a holiday, maybe a cruise? It would be a dream holiday for them and a break for you.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 10/05/2018 10:49

Definitely definitely definitely don't give them a key.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/05/2018 10:49

What did your DH do or say when his mum took the baby out of the pram?

I don't buy that they made you all live with them sorry. You're adults, you could have said no!

WorraLiberty · 10/05/2018 10:50

I'm more interested in what the police said GreatDuck

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/05/2018 10:51

You can’t stop them moving it if you try you could ruin your relationship with them & it sounds as if you’ve put a lot of work into that.

Just make sure they NEVER have door keys and that your doors cannot be opened without keys if they’re unlocked!

Original poster

saray1 · 10/05/2018 10:53

U are right, I was young and naive to think it wouldn't be long and it will be okay and given hindsight I never would have agreed. I ddnt plan to have kids before we moved out either. Unfortunately not all contraception works lol, being on the pill included! I have worked to keep the peace, I would never wna seem ungrateful or unappreciative for living under their roof or sour a relationship between my husband and his parents. My issue isn't with them living near us, like I said they are 7 mins away as it is. Buh to try and move in on our new street I feel is a bit much.

OP posts:

IronMansIronButt · 10/05/2018 10:54

So now you're claiming you were held prisoner for four years by your inlaws? Wouldn't that be a different thread altogether?

(but, you, didn't)

Lizzie48 · 10/05/2018 10:55

It actually sounds as if they've been suffocating rather than good to them. Her MIL stopping her from leaving?? Sometimes on AIBU in particular you get posters who really don't know how toxic family relationships operate. My DM for example pays for things for us, or arranges things for us, but then uses it as a way to exert control. DSis and I are doing what we can to break free from this, but the result is that she really doesn't want a normal, healthy relationship with us and no longer contacts us. Which I'm grateful for.

Original poster

saray1 · 10/05/2018 10:55

Ironsmanironsbutt I think u need to take ur nastiness elsewhere, I'm looking for genuine advice, not an attack.

OP posts:

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 10:56

So this post has gone from you living there for four years and now being a dick about it because you’ve sorted your own home out.... and when questioned about your blatant using of them and tossing them aside, it’s now that you were abused and your MIL essentially kidnapped your child and forced you to live there.

Okay. I’m out

mamia60 · 10/05/2018 10:58

@IronMansIronButt and in AIBU no less!
Thought I'd stumbled onto Netmums by mistake.

JakeBallardswife · 10/05/2018 10:58

Don't let them have a key to your new place, set clear boundaries. Hopefully not being on top of one another will have benefits for all of you!

FizzyGreenWater · 10/05/2018 10:59

Well you wait until they're all moved then you put your house on the market and move to the other end of the country. And you do that every single time they follow you until they die.

HAHAHAHA.

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