Re: overbearing inlaws

[saray1]

Hi there Mummies, new to this and I apologise it's long!

Me and my husband have been living with his parents for the last 4 years. What was a request of theirs to live with them (for what should have been 6-12 months) when we initially got married rather than renting, two kids later, a year and a half of searching for the right family home to buy and over a year of complete renovations, we are finally ready to move into our beautiful new home. Living with them has not been without its issues, they both work from home and I look after a 3 yr old boy and a 9 month old girl, I also take care of whatever Admin I can do from home for me and my husbands restaurant, so I never get space or privacy away from them, something I craved and was really looking forward to having finally! I have recently discovered thou that they plan to sell their home and are looking to buy the house on our new street. They haven't said anything to us, it was something I happened to see on FILs laptop, genuinely was not snooping! They've already viewed the property, had a big meeting at the bank, they've had their current property valued (they told us just because they were curious), they've talked about moving before but they have always wanted to move to one certain area, it's obvious they've changed their mind and decided to follow us to where we are going. My husband and I are not happy, especially seeing as our new house is only a 7 min drive away from them, not a massive distance at all and we were ready to finally be a proper family and raise our kids without interference on a daily basis. The thought of nothing changing really upsets me, to state the issues with my FIL I'd be here all day! Also they plan to retire, which means free time, which means they most definitely will always be at ours or expecting us to go to theirs! How do we kindly let them know we know what they're up to without them accusing me of snooping and that we need a bit of distance, please don't move so close by to us?

Why are posters saying don't let them have a key? Like it's standard practice.

What attack? Genuine advice is don't take advantage of people for years and then tell them to fuck off and leave you alone.

Thank you lizzie48 for showing some understanding. No one does realise the true extent of anyone's situation. And it's too much to say in a thread. I have wanted to leave for a very looooong time, I haven't been using them believe me. We pay our way. I was actually trying to be respectful to their wishes and my husband.

You can’t control where other people live but you can control what goes on under your own roof. Think very hard about boundaries. Don’t give them a key to your new house. Don’t let things become habitual unless you are happy with them.

It sounds really challenging. I couldn’t bear it if my inlaws or indeed my parents lived on the same street. However I grew up living next door to other members of our family, and another in law was on the same street. The boundaries were very clear (we always phoned before popping round, the parking was worked out, nothing was shared) and there were never any major problems.

You have worked hard and done a lot for your in laws and were looking forward to some time just with your kids and partner as a family unit. This is justified and I can understand your shock seeing they were moving to the same street as you. The 7 mins away to a few paces would be hard to manage but you can do it. Could your dh explain that he's looking forward to having his own house with you and that you will be inviting them over and seeing them as much as possible. I think that they rely on your company so if they can see that all will be ok they might feel better on your moving out.

FGS OP we aren't mind readers. We can only go off what's been written by you.

I think we're reading a different thread here, IronMansIronButt the OP has been doing all the cooking and they have paid all the bills. It sounds as if the MIL was actually happy to have an unpaid housekeeper. I think it was an arrangement that suited both parties but went on too long.

It doesn't sound like anything of the sort. OP didn't get the answers she wanted so tried to make it all about a mean MIL.
Rent free for 4 years......

Saray1 your going to have to get your DH to speak to them and sooner rather than later!

I'm not surprised you don't want them moving into the same road as you,the relationship doesn't sound that healthy at all!

I have been living unwillingly next door to my oblast for almost a year now. I would have up and left but fundamentally that's was no where for me to leave to. You have my sympathies and I would also warm you that living in the same street is pretty bad. Would you consider renting out your new house if they moved? Or you could put it back on the market now that you have finished your renovations.

They've had their grandchildren at home with them for 3 years now, they're probably really sad at the thought of you moving on. Put some kind boundaries in place 're how frequently they visit but then try to embrace the situation. As someone woth no family support near by this sounds lovely.

There is nothing you can do to stop them moving and living where they want.

However, if you want some space and privacy make sure you and your DH are BOTH on the same page when it comes to how often you see them, and what the boundaries are.

Don't want them popping in every 5 minutes? Make sure you discourage this from the start although as you've lived with them for so long they are probably keen to continue seeing their GC often (understandably) so might be best to arrange regular meetings at your convenience and stick to this.

And don't let them have a key. It is always useful to have another key-holder for emergencies but they sound like the kind of people who would think nothing of letting themselves in whenever they felt like it.

You need to have this out with your DH. He is the one living with FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) towards his parents but you are the one who will bear the brunt (as a largely SAHM) of their visits etc.

He is the one who needs to talk to them about setting some boundaries. You need to decide if you would leave again (for good this time) if he is unwilling to have your back and wants to placate them to your detriment.

Ultimately, if they want to buy in your street you can't stop them. However, under NO circumstances whatsoever let your DH give them a key to your house and if he does - get the locks changed. It sounds like despite your leaving before your DH still does not accept that HE is the one who needs to make changes in the relationship with his parents to allow you to have a better family life. There will be tears and weeping and wailing for the IL's no doubt but your DH will have to go through the pain if he wants to keep you and your DC.

I think that it is also worth pointing out @iron that in many cultures this is a fairly normal set up. Older generations provide a house and younger generation pay bills, do housework etc. No taking advantage involved. All parties contribute. I just don't think you get it. Tbf most white British have a very odd idea about children having to move out the second they turn 18 and believe that not paying your own family rent even if you are paying for everything else is somehow taking advantage. You lot are to obssessed with the housing market, it skews your perspective on these things.

I think that it is also worth pointing out @iron that in many cultures this is a fairly normal set up. Older generations provide a house and younger generation pay bills, do housework etc. No taking advantage involved. All parties contribute. I just don't think you get it

I don't think you get it, because in those cultures you don't wait until you;ve finished your new house, snoop on the inlaws and then tell them they aren't allowed to live near you now you're done with them, now do you?

You can't stop them from buying whatever house they want. I would, however, raise the fact that you've seen that they are thinking of buying a house and outline some expectations for the future.

You can draw boundaries as to the extent of your own involvement with them. Just because someone lives across the street does not mean that you have to see them every day, or that they can just invite themselves over. But yes, that means having some difficult conversations. It also means that you can't necessarily rely on them for childcare at the drop of a hat too!

I think you bear some of the blame here for the enmeshment of boundaries, because you've been so willing to accept their help rather than being independent and doing your own thing. It's not surprising that they have become rather over-involved in your lives as a result.

This is a sad post. Even if the parents loved you living there, believe me there is a price to pay to have adult children living with you despite everything. They may be stressing about all or nothing situation. Living in the same street is not nearly as intrusive as living in the same house for both families. Whatever you hated about the situation, you really need to take stock of all the advantages you have enjoyed instead of just looking at the disadvantages. Dont just try and cast them off now they are not needed, have a heart

What does your DH think? And are we talking about a different culture here?

If they offer to help with someone in the house just say that you wouldn't want to trouble them and you've already done it /organised someone to do it and
Make a big thing about arranging for them to come to tea as a guest and make a fuss of them and welcome them to your home and then arrange for the next time for them to come
Just subtly they will know that they will be invited into your lives and not excluded but it will on both your terms when's it's convenient for you all

Feel sorry for you OP, I don't like the way that they have gone behind your backs to cover up their plans. I would tell them you are thinking of moving within a year (heard there are lots of burglaries/ you have made a profit from the renovations...whatever). This might stop them moving and if it doesn't then move. Fingers crossed someone else buys the house before them.

Off the point of the thread....I am not a Mummy and definitely will never be! [My sons call me something else]

You're just going to have to step up and introduce boundaries.

You feel you need for geographical distance because you don't have emotional distance. You want geography to do your work for you. With the right boundaries it doesn't really matter where they live.

Are they Asian?
I would tell them you like He new house but your going to move near your own family 3 hours away.

I've been in a similar-ish situation, my husband and I moved back to our parent's houses a couple of years after finishing uni in order to save a house deposit. We technically lived apart but we'd spend every night together at either house (total nightmare!). It went on for a about 2 years longer than intended and eventually we'd got to the point we were ready to start a family.

We decided to try for a baby thinking 9 months would be ages to buy a house etc. We got pregnant straight away and completed on the house one month before the baby arrived. It turned out there was A LOT more work needed doing on the house than anticipated. It was impossible to do the renovations with a newborn baby living there, so we ended up moving in with the in laws for 7 very very long months. I didn't want to, but their house being HUGE vs my parent's modest house it made sense.

Once we moved into our own home (it's 10min drive away) the boundaries had blurred. Our daughter's first Christmas was ruined when we had mil throwing a strop, we wanted a family Christmas as a 3, not to have all Christmas at the in laws with our daughter star of the show for the 14 other guests! They didn't get it. They assumed we'd be over every weekend and visiting constantly.

A long story short and a huge fallout later we are now left in peace. My fil doesn't acknowledge me at all and my mil just tries to talk to the kids, via me (they are 2 and 9 months!!).

I really feel for you op, I understand people may say you have taken advantage and now want your privacy, people said the same to us. I'll admit we probably did, although we also paid rent too. There isn't a lot you can do in terms of stopping them buying near you, but you do maybe need to have a chat about boundaries once you are moved into the new place. We had that chat and it didn't go down well, but we are left in peace now.

@saray1 they requested we stay with them rather than renting

so in your head they requested so thats not you taking advantage and i suppose you cant say no to something someone requested. However now they are requesting to live near you and you suddenly are able to say no?

You have taken advantage of their hospitality for 4 years and allowed them a close life with their grandchildren. Theyre not asking to move in with you for the next 4 years so I really dont see the problem. You will have the space and you just say you are busy if they overstep or intrude.

For the record my MIL asked to be at the birth of my DDs. My SIL had allowed her into her delivery room FOUR times so it was expected of me. I said no. Same when she asked to have them stay at hers christmas eve and when she said she was giving up work to take care of them (free of charge) while i went back to work (as she had done for SIL). Once again, I said no. We have a fantastic relationship and it has boundaries. You were fully capable of declining to move in with them and renting. You CHOSE not to.