Re: overbearing inlaws

[saray1]

Hi there Mummies, new to this and I apologise it's long!

Me and my husband have been living with his parents for the last 4 years. What was a request of theirs to live with them (for what should have been 6-12 months) when we initially got married rather than renting, two kids later, a year and a half of searching for the right family home to buy and over a year of complete renovations, we are finally ready to move into our beautiful new home. Living with them has not been without its issues, they both work from home and I look after a 3 yr old boy and a 9 month old girl, I also take care of whatever Admin I can do from home for me and my husbands restaurant, so I never get space or privacy away from them, something I craved and was really looking forward to having finally! I have recently discovered thou that they plan to sell their home and are looking to buy the house on our new street. They haven't said anything to us, it was something I happened to see on FILs laptop, genuinely was not snooping! They've already viewed the property, had a big meeting at the bank, they've had their current property valued (they told us just because they were curious), they've talked about moving before but they have always wanted to move to one certain area, it's obvious they've changed their mind and decided to follow us to where we are going. My husband and I are not happy, especially seeing as our new house is only a 7 min drive away from them, not a massive distance at all and we were ready to finally be a proper family and raise our kids without interference on a daily basis. The thought of nothing changing really upsets me, to state the issues with my FIL I'd be here all day! Also they plan to retire, which means free time, which means they most definitely will always be at ours or expecting us to go to theirs! How do we kindly let them know we know what they're up to without them accusing me of snooping and that we need a bit of distance, please don't move so close by to us?

It sounds as if the OP was quite young when she married her DH and she went along with the decision made by her DH and PIL because she wasn't strong enough to stand up to them. And if it is a different culture that complicates things further.

I think the OP is finally finding a backbone, that's what's happening here. In the adult world you need to learn the word 'no'. I like the Mumsnet maxim that 'no' is a full sentence. If they are on the same street that will be very important.

It sounds like the OP has already tried to assert herself - she said upthread she had left before but was persuaded to return.

It's hard to stand up to IL's especially if your DH is trying to placate his parents and not asserting his own wishes. The OP as I said upthread has a DH problem - he needs to the one putting his parents right and setting boundaries.

I think sometimes we don't feel in a position of power or want to upset IL's when we first get married and so try to keep "everyone happy" (but not ourselves) Many girls (I'm one) are socialised to be people pleasers and to put others before themselves (especially if you "love" them) it can take a long time to figure that out and push through your conditioning.

When you move house, whether they move to the same street or stay 7 mins away, what you do will have to be the same. Be the bitch. Be hard as nails and don't let them be in your house all the damn time. Enforce your boundaries. They'll scream and shout. You will be the bad guy. The baddest of the bad guys according to them. Suck it up, enjoy your new role as queen bitch of the family and enjoy th eventual peace and quiet when the tantrumming stops. DH must be on board with this plan though.

Being nice and hoping they have personality transplants won't be successful.

Be hard as nails and don't let them be in your house all the damn time. Enforce your boundaries. They'll scream and shout. You will be the bad guy. The baddest of the bad guys according to them. Suck it up, enjoy your new role as queen bitch of the family and enjoy th eventual peace and quiet when the tantrumming stops. DH must be on board with this plan though.

This is exactly what I did, it worked after about 6 months... Husband deffo has to be on the same page though.

Do not be made to feel bad you want your own life and be free to enjoy your own dc without them around. They have had their own dc. Make a set time /day to see them but make it clear new beginnings are happening for you all.

If their business/working premises is attached to the house, with them being newsagents, if they are looking to retire, maybe why they are looking to move. Or maybe they don’t need a bigger home if you and DH are moving out?
If you have no family living close by then maybe it would help having DH’s family there in case of emergency.
What does your DH say about Pil moving so close?
If you have tried to leave before, maybe Pil have a fear it may be repeated and they want to be close to DH/DC.

I think people are being really mean to the OP. When I was 8 months preg my DH decided we should move in with his parents, there was nothing I could do about it. After the baby was born I was absolutely beside myself, ex and I fighting non-stop, bf after a section, really run down. When the baby was about three months old I got up early one morning, phoned a friend at the other side of the city and asked if I could stay until my father came to collect me. Packed baby into the pram and started sneaking out of the house to get a bus to friend's house. MiL came downstairs just as I was exiting, and hung onto the pram, screaming for help. I managed to drag the pram away from her and made it to the gate before ex caught up with me. He pointed out no bus would be running because of snow, I refused to go back in, stand-off for half an hour. He finally borrowed his father's car and drove me to my friend's. I went back a few months later because of the pressure and the promises to find a flat of our own, but I believe that the OP's mother would grab the baby to try to stop her leaving!

It's often what happens on AIBU. There are a lot of MILs on here who are projecting and get defensive. Also I do think that people with supportive families and in laws really don't understand toxic families.

And if there are cultural differences that's another dimension as well.

and there are people who always claim its their "toxic families" fault and they have no responsibility for anything.

Be hard as nails and don't let them be in your house all the damn time. Enforce your boundaries. They'll scream and shout. You will be the bad guy. The baddest of the bad guys according to them. Suck it up, enjoy your new role as queen bitch of the family and enjoy th eventual peace and quiet when the tantrumming stops. DH must be on board with this plan though

I mean, this reads as a psychopath, tbh. Pure toxic, but no, its never them!

Hey op, i totally get where you are coming from. I know some of the pp have said you took advantage of them but i get how you haven't and it wasn't the situation you wanted. You can stop them moving, maybe just distance yourself. If your DH feels the same then both of you should be clear that you won't be there every weekend or evening. It'll be as or when around ypur own plans as a family. It's hard getting ils who are integrated into your lives to give you space. Do you move before them?

Goodness.

I wonder why they are keeping it secret from you? Are they planning a ‘surprise’?

Talk about how it was so good they took you in until you could become independent, and how good it is now that you have your own space.

If they do move, retain boundaries. No key, make a definite arrangement to see them once a week (only needs to be a coffee) and a definite arrangement for them to see (mind, if possible) the children each week. Then be busy, out, not answering the door. “Not now, but looking forward to seeing you Wednesday as arranged” is the advantage of havjng taken control of the invites.

To be honest if they are as overbearing as you say they are, they would be just as overbearing from 7 minutes away as they would from the same street.

OP i think you’ve had some really harsh answers on here. People seem mean today. It doesn’t sound like you have taken advantage of them, more like them of you. You have to sit them down and say you are looking forward to your own space and say you will meet up x times per week. Your DH has to tell them he knows about the house buying and that you don’t intend to spend ever day with them

Op I dont know why you are getting a hard time I see where you are coming from entirely. We live close to my mil and df about a 10 min drive but I am grateful they don't just live across the street even though they are both great people. I think your husband needs to take this one.

Is "buh" some sort of text speak that I don't understand? I fail to see how it's easier to write than "but."

Wow. This really is the worst of mumsnet right here. OP is quite obviously young and south Asian (with ILs who run a newsagents from their home and a DH who runs a restaurant). I read her post to mean she does all the cooking and cleaning in the ILs home while they work at the newsagents. That doesn’t sound like “living rent free” but sounds like a typical traditional setup, with DIL providing unpaid labour as cook cum cleaner.
And said that she has tried leaving multiple times but has been browbeaten by overbearing MIL.
If you have advice do share it, but if you don’t is there really any need to be this nasty to someone who may be in a vulnerable position? Or picking on a clear spelling mistake as if it were intentional?
Not everyone who uses the site is aware that they shouldn’t post on AIBU unless they’re prepared for a roasting.

OP you would be much better posting on the relationships board. You could ask MNHQ to move this thread to relationships or you could request they delete it and start a new thread on the relationships board.

I would ask your in-laws outright if they are planning to buy a house on the same street. Or ask your husband to ask them. I wonder if they are struggling to afford to keep the house and business going without the financial contributions they are used to from you and your DH. It seems very coincidental that they are choosing this exact moment to retire.

I wouldn’t want my in laws to live on the same street as me either OP. A short drive away is an entirely different prospect to them being able to monitor your comings and goings.

You can’t tell them where to live. That wouldn’t be appropriate.

However I would make sure to have a proper discussion with my DH and work out some clear boundaries in advance.

Definitely no key.
You both need to be good at saying “no”.

You could also have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. There you can find non judgmental support. I've found it really helpful, and you get lots of very helpful advice.

Well said ZaphodBeeblerox

@steff13 nice. Really nice. Pick on someone for an autocorrect fail or someone typing in distress that doesn’t check for grammar first. Well done you. Most of my posts I don’t re read to check I’ve not made an error.
Well done on being a wonderful human being.

With hindsight it may have been better if you had just posted that your in laws were planning to move to your street. You may have had more kindly replies .

I think you and your husband can ask about their plans without admitting that you have snooped. I am not sure of the etiquette but I know once when I was thinking of moving to a town (not a particular street, mind) I asked my friend who lived there if she would mind.

I would have thought it would be worth an awkward, even horrible conversation, to save years of hell. Be brave. Tell them you don't want them to!

"Isn't it wonderful - with house price rises and all we have done to our house, we've worked out that we can sell it for enough to move further out and buy somewhere bigger with a garden! Hoping to put it n the market over the summer! No idea where we'll look...."

Then spend forever 'looking' and 'thinking' and 'it might be better to go on the market just in time for next spring" ....they will stay put.