AIBU or is my partner about getting up at night?

[glueandstick]

The toddler doesn’t sleep well and thanks to the layout of our house is still in our room for a while longer - on my ‘side’ of the room.

I must have been up 10 times in the night before falling deeply asleep. Was woken to being poked/kicked by OH to deal with the toddler. I don’t mind getting up as they need me, but I’d love it if my OH would do it rather than wake me now and again.

I do 99% of every night. Even when I’m sick. I’m the parent who is at home and would catch up on the lack of sleep when toddler has a nap- but they don’t. So it’s full on from sun up to sun down.

I’ve brought it up before and asked if they’d get up rather than waking me, but have been told it’s easier if I do it as it’s my side of the room and I can sometimes reach from bed to settle rather than getting up. Also, they don’t know they are waking me up and have no recollection.

I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable, and it may be being very tired this morning... but I feel like I’m not worthy of a full nights sleep, like I don’t matter. So AIBU to expect a bit of help or am I being horrid thinking it’s deliberate?

So tonight you sleep on the other side of the bed.....

Ah thanks- tried that but apparently OH can’t sleep when not on ‘their side’ and I’m making an issue of it. Me? I can sleep bloody anywhere 😂😂

Can you sneak off to the sofa?
Oh and you aren't expecting help. Just him to share the parenting of his own dc!!

Well if he can't get to sleep when on your side, at least he won't be woken by the toddler because he will already be awake

Tell him if he wants any more children he needs to think about how supportive he is being with this one.

Yanbu. You need to tell your partner that your knackered and will be taking a rest. Also do they have a day off where you can catch up on a few hours sleep. This isn't a fair set up at all.

glueandstick move toddler's bed to his side 👍🏼

Can you move your toddlers bed to his side?
When my DS slept in our room (as a baby) we alternated sides of the bed for the moses basket then when he moved to a cot it was central to our bed so same distance for each other us.
Or go sleep on the sofa one night and make him to it all himself

YANBU. Would putting the pillows at the foot of the bed help him sleep on the other side? That’s what we did when DS was in with us and we wanted to ‘swap shifts’ mid way through the night. That way you still feel like your on the left/right side that you’re used to.

Are you in a one bed flat / house?

Time to move the room around while he's at work.... Put the bed against another wall or something.

YANBU -your child has two parents and one of them is a selfish twunt.

Look into getting a night-nanny for one night a week and tell him how much it is because you need at least one night's sleep a week.

YANBU. Can you come up with some sort of system?

My LO doesn't sleep through either, he usually goes down from 7:30pm until 11pm and then can be up sometimes every hour until 5:30am. DH and I have split the night in to 'shifts' and he'll get up to settle him until 2am and I'll do until 5:30 when LO wakes for the day.

Despite being at home, you still need to sleep!

Maybe it's time to move the toddler into their own room. They may be sleeping badly because you disturb them.

It’s because the house has the master bedroom on the top floor and the smaller bedrooms on the middle.

And quite frankly if I’m going to be woken up I don’t want to be traipsing down stairs.

I’m going to have more serious words tonight. Apparently I’m always grumpy, complaining I’m tired and no fun. Can’t think why that is at all. Apparently OH genuinely though the toddler sleeps through the night.

I decamped to the spare room once and ended up having to go and settle them any how as OH hadn’t noticed.

Tonight toddlemonster is sleeping with me in the bed. Mainly because I can’t be irate if I can’t see someone sleeping soundly and ignoring the crying.

Also, we each get a full night sleep at weekends. Every Friday night DH does all the settling and will get up with LO in the morning while I have a lie in and then he gets a 'night off' and lie in on a Saturday night. We find it works quite well.

I’ve got a crap deal here haven’t I.....

I’m guessing toddler can’t be moved to your dh’s side as you maybe don’t have the space there. Could the crib go at the bottom of your bed so it’s the same distance from both of you?

The pillow idea is magic! I love it. Why why why didn’t I think of that?!

I’m beginning to think that it wouldn’t matter where it is, I’d still be getting up.

Where the cot is is the only option. Builders really need to think more about this before putting in pitched ceilings, doors and windows.

When I was a Sahm I did do all the night waking unless 2 were awake at once, which was rare. The main problem was that on the rare occasion I had 2 vomitting or one screaming with ear ache who'd woken the baby or similar I had to pretty much order DH to help as he was so used to not having to.

Then our 3rd DC was born and was a truly terrible sleeper, and I didn't get a stretch of sleep longer than 2 hours at night for over 2 years and it nearly broke me.

My DH had a long commute including motorway driving and I always had the nagging worry about him crashing if sleep deprived. However he appeared not to think about me crashing as I drove the older kids to activities on the back of long term intense sleep deprivation!

I would advise my own children (boys and girls) that if one parent stays at home they do 5 nights but the other parent does 2 nights per week. Right from the start or from as soon as breast feeding is established.

If you have a poor sleeper any other way leads to one parent being in a state of long term intense, mood altering, aging, health impacting exhaustion not experienced in many other walks of life.

If you have a good sleeper then you've both dodged a bullet and neither have anything to complain about, but it's a good habit in case you have more kids...

I couldn’t deal with any more kids. It would kill me. As it is I’m lucky to get 30mins doing ‘me’ things (like collapsing in front of the tv) a day once all the jobs are done.

They never design houses properly do they? Despite all their supposed expertise I think most of us on MN could do a better job. Hope you manage to get some sleep soon op. I’m the one who gets up every night too so I completely sympathise. Nobody told me they still don’t sleep when they’re toddlers!

YANBU to expect your DP to do some of the wakings.

It makes a tremendous difference, we found, just knowing you're "on duty" or "off duty". We learned to sleep through pretty much anything as long as it was our turn off duty - we trusted the other one to handle it and our brains just let us switch off. Whereas when you're on duty you are always on slightly higher alert, even in your sleep.

I think you need a decent chunk of time - whether a few hours every night or a whole night sometimes - when you can truly switch off. It's a really reasonable request and shouldn't have to be fought for. Even if your partner only took from 5am onwards or something, you'd still get a period when you know you can relax. Though you'd probablynhave to sleep in a different room, at least initially, because your brain is set to alertband your partner's is set to "not my problem".

Mine slept much better once in thier own room.

Maybe its time to move rooms?