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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my partner about getting up at night?

91 replies

glueandstick · 10/05/2018 08:57

The toddler doesn’t sleep well and thanks to the layout of our house is still in our room for a while longer - on my ‘side’ of the room.

I must have been up 10 times in the night before falling deeply asleep. Was woken to being poked/kicked by OH to deal with the toddler. I don’t mind getting up as they need me, but I’d love it if my OH would do it rather than wake me now and again.

I do 99% of every night. Even when I’m sick. I’m the parent who is at home and would catch up on the lack of sleep when toddler has a nap- but they don’t. So it’s full on from sun up to sun down.

I’ve brought it up before and asked if they’d get up rather than waking me, but have been told it’s easier if I do it as it’s my side of the room and I can sometimes reach from bed to settle rather than getting up. Also, they don’t know they are waking me up and have no recollection.

I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable, and it may be being very tired this morning... but I feel like I’m not worthy of a full nights sleep, like I don’t matter. So AIBU to expect a bit of help or am I being horrid thinking it’s deliberate?

OP posts:

MismatchedPJs · 10/05/2018 09:36

Also could you both move into the largest other room temporarily? It might only be a few months until toddler is more settled.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/05/2018 09:40

Honestly, I think it's time to put the toddler in their own room. You can then take it in turns to get up when they wake up.

GeekyBlinders · 10/05/2018 09:43

Can you nudge him back when he elbows you awake? DP mostly take turns but do poke the other awake if one has been doing the lion’s share for whatever reason.

Original poster

glueandstick · 10/05/2018 09:46

I think this has highlighted perhaps there are greater problems than the nights. If I was to wake OH up I’d get moaned at and had a go at- but no recollection of the nastiness in the morning.

Thank you all. I think I’ve had my eyes opened.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 10/05/2018 09:46

Your DH is totally unreasonable but also, a toddler can be in their own room - make that your priority.

And don't have any more children.

Manupprincess · 10/05/2018 09:48

We have a similar layout to you I think OP. When DS was 6months we moved him into his own room but we moved down to the smaller middle floor room for a bit. Could you do similar so you can help your little one transition to their own room?

We've moved back up on our own now but use a video and audio monitor. He's 3 now and finally sleeps through or 1 - 2 wakes a night. It does get easier but god it's hard at the time.

Original poster

glueandstick · 10/05/2018 09:50

I think I’ll move toddlemonster into their own room and I’ll move into the other room. And hope to god they start sleeping through.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 09:51

hhmmm if you're a stay at home parent and your DH works I'd be inclined to say that you should probably do the nights with the baby because you can nap when he does during the day but you should definitely have a break at the weekend or whenever your DH is off

Original poster

glueandstick · 10/05/2018 09:53

Did you read the bit where I said the toddler DOES NOT NAP? I’m on duty from 6.30am until bed. Which at the moment is 8.30/9 with them.. then dinner, washing up, washing, tidying...

OP posts:

VivaKondo · 10/05/2018 09:53

I wouod move to the middle room (where your toddler should be) and let your DP deal with on Friday and Saturday nights. Every weekend.
On the ground he is getting a good night sleep 5 days a week and you need your two good night sleeps.
You can move the vit to his side etc... but it he still won’t wake up (nit his issue) whereas you will (you will still feel in duty).

Oh and go away at weekends or your own things whilst the father looks afervthe toddler. Whilst your DP is being a dad for a change.
You need that time to recharge your batteries too.
You know the ‘you can’t pour form an empty cup’ idea.

And don’t ask if he could do it. Just say you will, do it and assume he will look after his own dc.

mzcracker · 10/05/2018 09:54

I wouldn't be putting up with this. Go sleep in the downstairs room and leave the 2 toddlers in the big room.
Fuck that. He's a useless shit.

VivaKondo · 10/05/2018 09:55

I'd be inclined to say that you should probably do the nights with the baby because you can nap when he does during the day

Please read the ful”pl thread. The OP said the child does NOT have a nap during the day so can NOT have a cat nap during the day.

Besides, a cat nap doesn’t make up for a broken night every night. It helps but doesn’t solve problem anyway

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 09:55

It’s not help , it’s parenting. Make one night a week non negotiable- you aren’t getting enough sleep any night and he doesn’t care so why should you care that he apparently can’t sleep one night on the ‘wrong side’ of the bed? Does he genuinely think you should protect his sleep while he can’t give a rats arse about yours? Say ‘all the better if you’re awake you will hear him more quickly.’

TheFaerieQueene · 10/05/2018 09:57

I can’t get past the fact he kicks you awake. Would you accept being kicked any other time? As for the old chestnut that he doesn’t remember, bollocks.

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 09:57

Did you read the bit where I said the toddler DOES NOT NAP? I’m on duty from 6.30am until bed. Which at the moment is 8.30/9 with them.. then dinner, washing up, washing, tidying...

Oh I didn't see that part sorry well in that case he should do a shift at night aswell, my apologies.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 10/05/2018 09:57

If you're putting your dc to bed at 8.30/9, why doesn't your h do all the housework and clearing up that needs to be done while you're tending to dc?

Sounds like a selfish git - and nasty with it.

0lgaDaPolga · 10/05/2018 09:58

Yanbu at all. I am a stay at home Mum too and if my baby wakes up in the night my husband and I take it in turns to settle him. He might have to be at work all day but I am also ‘at work’ looking after our son which I can’t do if I’ve had no sleep. It’s not fair it’s all on you 24/7. I would definitely try moving him to his own room though. My son started sleeping a lot better in his own room. I think he was in a lighter sleep when he was in with us.

CharlieParley · 10/05/2018 10:02

YANBU most definitely.

DC1 didn't sleep through the night until DC2 was born four years later so I know how terrible the sleep deprivation is. I still haven't recovered - it has messed up my entire sleep cycle and circadian rhythm for good (been trying to get back into a normal rhythm since 2004 ).

There's a two step action plan here - you need to figure out what stops your LO from sleeping and you need to come up with a plan that includes your DP in the sleep management.

My DH did the early morning shift - he's an early riser and got up at 5:30 or 6 in the morning and looked after DC1 until he had to leave for work at 8. That gave me one full sleep cycle on my own and I really needed it. At the weekends I grabbed as much sleep as I could and DH was responsible for the kids at least until lunch time. It wasn't a rare thing that he'd be putting DS1 down for his mid morning nap while I was still in bed.

The working partner in your (and my) setup often thinks that you have it easy, staying at home. I highly recommend leaving them to fend for themselves for a day or two at the weekend to disabuse them of that notion. It didn't entirely cure my DH but it gave him a healthy respect for how hard being a stay at home parent can be.

Not sleeping your seven to eight hours a night is extremely damaging to your health and you need this sorted asap. Tell your DP that they are actively sabotaging you looking after your health if they continue to refuse and you will have to take steps (the night nurse is a good idea).

As for your DP complaining about your mood, I'd be minded to tell them where to stick it. Sleep deprivation messes with your brain chemistry - you cannot be in a better mood because your body is being deprived of something it needs as much as food, water or oxygen. Human beings do not function well when chronically sleep deprived and if your DP wants to see you in a better mood, they will have to step up.

Can you give some more info on your LO's bedtime routine and day time/night time sleep habits? After DC1, luckily DC2 was a good sleeper but then DC3 was as bad as DC1 but crucially, I knew what to do and so could manage better.

I'm sure lots of us had similar problems with our DCs. Maybe collectively we can figure out how to improve your nights, at least a little bit?

MismatchedPJs · 10/05/2018 10:07

Being able to hold conversations then not recalling them in the morning is totally a thing. I do it and so does one of my children. We look awake but we're not, like a sleepwalker (this DC also sleepwalks).

But either way you still need to solve the problem. You need a solution that works irrespective of whether this behaviour is conscious or unconscious.

MyNameIsTotoro · 10/05/2018 10:07

l thinknyour plan is a good one. DC slept TERRIBLY in our room and I couldn't face moving them for all the reasons you said. DH also did his share but it still broke me.

I hadn't realised that we were essentially keeping DC awake st night by all our nocturnal shuffling- turning over in bed etc (not code for sex, that would be way weird!)

Moving DC was the best thing we ever did.

Just get a good baby monitor and make sure it's on DHs side of the bed at least a couple of nights a week.

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 10/05/2018 10:08

Don't have any more kids with him. I mean really, don't.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2018 10:09

What does your DP contribute to the family, apart from his salary? Does he cook, clean, look after the toddler on a Saturday afternoon so you can get some time off? Is it just the night waking that's a problem?

Unless, like a PP said, his job involves driving long distance or something else where tiredness could endanger him or others or lead to him getting fired, he should be doing some of the night parenting.

If he does need sleep in order to stay safe/employed, he needs to contribute in other ways. I mention this because men who just won't adapt in any way to the broken nights that come with parenthood often won't compromise in any other area, either: they consider that because they Earn The Money, they should be indulged and serviced at home, allowed time for hobbies, and never asked to lift a finger outside their salaried hours.

OohMavis · 10/05/2018 10:10

OP didn't say their partner was a him, for the record.

Furano · 10/05/2018 10:10

@Ragwort says it perfectly.

Your DH is a toad. Don't have any more children with him.. or you'll be back here moaning that you have three under 3 and your have PND mainly because you have no help...

Furano · 10/05/2018 10:12

And when he complains you are tired and grumpy?

"Yes DH. I am grumpy. I am fucking exhausted because you won't lift a finger to help. I am so upset at how little you care for me, that I am considering divorcing you. At least then I will get every other weekend off..."

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