AIBU or is my partner about getting up at night?

[glueandstick]

The toddler doesn’t sleep well and thanks to the layout of our house is still in our room for a while longer - on my ‘side’ of the room.

I must have been up 10 times in the night before falling deeply asleep. Was woken to being poked/kicked by OH to deal with the toddler. I don’t mind getting up as they need me, but I’d love it if my OH would do it rather than wake me now and again.

I do 99% of every night. Even when I’m sick. I’m the parent who is at home and would catch up on the lack of sleep when toddler has a nap- but they don’t. So it’s full on from sun up to sun down.

I’ve brought it up before and asked if they’d get up rather than waking me, but have been told it’s easier if I do it as it’s my side of the room and I can sometimes reach from bed to settle rather than getting up. Also, they don’t know they are waking me up and have no recollection.

I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable, and it may be being very tired this morning... but I feel like I’m not worthy of a full nights sleep, like I don’t matter. So AIBU to expect a bit of help or am I being horrid thinking it’s deliberate?

Just an FYI- when my dp stays, he gets up during the night or in the morning with dc. They’re not his kids...
He wants me to get rest, to have a break... If my dp can do this for kids that aren’t his, your fella can do a shit load better too

If your not working then Through the week I think you should do the night waking but during the weekend you oh should let you get some much needed sleep. My 3 year old still wakes once a night but she wanders into our room and I just let her climb into bed with us but obviously this would be difficult for you.
You can't go on having so much broken sleep. Move toddler into their own room and tell your oh that 2 nights a week they are his responsibility. And he's not helping you out it's called parenting.

PP assumed it was a man, because it's the classic behaviour of far too many men. The house and the children are the woman's job, and because it doesn't earn money, it's not a "proper job", and the woman gets to spend all day lazing around on her arse, doing what she wants. Whereas the Big Man is out in the world, working hard to earn the money to pay for everything.
Because the Big Man is the wage earner, and "works hard", they are entitled to a full night's sleep, every night, evenings free to relax, and weekends to have a break from "working hard", and time to do "hobbies".

It's a stereotype because it's a true reflection of many households. Luckily, more men do share the workload that running a house and family causes, but they're still the minority.

OP, he doesn't respect you. This is a problem.

Regarding your toddler, I had one like that. He needed very little sleep, wouldn't go to sleep until late, then wake up several times in the night. During the day, he was always on the go. I thought that when he started school it would improve, but it was still a while after he was at school full time, before he slept through, so you have my sympathies and I hope your toddler doesn't take as long as mine did to sleep through the night.

I did manage to get him to have one nap a day, but I had to cuddle up on the sofa with him, and put Thomas the Tank Engine or Postman Pat on! But it meant that we were both able to have a nap then. I did it just after lunch.
Perhaps it's worth trying that if you haven't already.

Give your OH a kick up the arse and tell him to man the fuck up!

MY DH was working 12 hour shifts(as an armed Police Officer) and he'd still help with our DC waking up in the night,I never had to moan at him to do it he just did it,being parents has to be a partnership just like any important relationship.

My ex husband would never help out in the day let alone at night,including when we had two children under 3(oldest was 2 and youngest was newborn and BF)and I was really ill,one of the reasons he is my ex husband.

He's taking the piss. Why isn't he taking on the fair share of the load?

There's been a lot of this recently I've noticed. If it's a man say it's a man and vice versa.
I find the whole thing a bit pointless.
As pp said it is classic male behaviour.

It’s not a stereotype that most households have a male and female parent of a child. It’s statistically true. Most families are like this. That’s why people assume. Not because of ‘man bashing’

It’s also far to assume that the poster is female - you haven’t taken umbrage OP that people have assumed you’re a woman and not a man I suppose?

For the record I also work. But from home and fit it around toddlemonster. As in whenever I can! I’m lucky that client stuff is mostly email and I can do that in snatched bits. Some days we can sit in the garden and play/work and it’s lovely. Other days it’s shattering and not ideal. Like today. I’m just having a whinge and will sort what I can and accept what I can’t/make plans to fix in the future.

I don’t want my child ever thinking they aren’t worthy of something. Perhaps I over parent to make sure they have confidence and worth. I’m not sure I do. And it seems historical too and always been that way.

Look, I made an error of judgement being neutral. I apologise.

I don't think you're U to want some help in the night. But if your DH isn't willing to get out of bed then I don't see what you can do about it, other than sleep train.

Have you tried a sleep clinic or professional advice?

My almost 3 year old wakes once or twice a night (for a cuddle/wee/drink). I do all wake ups (and always have done) because I can snap awake instantly and jump out of bed. DH can't, it takes him 5 minutes to surface from deep sleep then he stumbles around in the dark falling over things, so toddler gets more worked up.

I sort of see nights as my job (I'm a SAHM but do bits of work now and then). I think it's easier to cope with sleep deprivation when you're the parent at home as your can curl up with a coffee and watch CBeebies all morning in your PJs after a bad night.

OP, There's something askew if you're more concerned about theoretical man-bashing than actual mother-kicking. Don't suck it up (as I did, in a sleep-deprived haze, for 2 years each time) It's not 'helping' it's pulling his weight. A gleaming wallet on the table, with all around bowed in awe, is not the extent of the WOHP's parenting responsibilities.

I can't believe your husband woke you up prodding you to deal with the baby! That's totally outrageous.

Of COURSE he should be helping out. He made the baby too.

Cross-posting. Then, it's even more of a piss-take if you are also working.

It's a vanishingly small probablity that the type of entitled laziness displayed by OP's OH would indicate that the OH was female. Women really, really don't tend to behave like this, even when in relationships with other women. Men, on the other hand, with centuries of propaganda behind them to the effect that they are humans and women are a fuckable category of subhuman that exists for men's benefit... well, you get a lot of lazy, entitled, selfish men, as PP have described.

Take shifts. Inform him it's his night on tonight.

glueandstick Thu 10-May-18 09:32:25

I couldn’t deal with any more kids. It would kill me. As it is I’m lucky to get 30mins doing ‘me’ things (like collapsing in front of the tv) a day once all the jobs are done.

Having more kids wouldn't kill you, it's having them with such a selfish and useless bastard that would.