AIBU or is my partner about getting up at night?

[glueandstick]

The toddler doesn’t sleep well and thanks to the layout of our house is still in our room for a while longer - on my ‘side’ of the room.

I must have been up 10 times in the night before falling deeply asleep. Was woken to being poked/kicked by OH to deal with the toddler. I don’t mind getting up as they need me, but I’d love it if my OH would do it rather than wake me now and again.

I do 99% of every night. Even when I’m sick. I’m the parent who is at home and would catch up on the lack of sleep when toddler has a nap- but they don’t. So it’s full on from sun up to sun down.

I’ve brought it up before and asked if they’d get up rather than waking me, but have been told it’s easier if I do it as it’s my side of the room and I can sometimes reach from bed to settle rather than getting up. Also, they don’t know they are waking me up and have no recollection.

I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable, and it may be being very tired this morning... but I feel like I’m not worthy of a full nights sleep, like I don’t matter. So AIBU to expect a bit of help or am I being horrid thinking it’s deliberate?

Move the toddler into their own room ASAP and start sleep training them. You shouldn't still be getting up that much, surely.

YANBU

He should be doing his share. I would recommend he does the 2 nights per week at weekends. You leave toddler with him upstairs and go to sleep downstairs with ear plugs in.

I also have a bad sleeper. My DH is not lazy but unfortunately he can sleep through much more than I can...Toddler is in his own room and on average wakes 2 times per night( was much much worse when in our bedroom) and I'm so tuned in I wake too..DH really can be oblivious..so I get up at night but he gets up early with DS..sometimes as early as 5.30 and takes him downstairs so I can catch up..not ideal and sometimes I'm so tired I put ear plugs in..
We both work full time.

My sleep cycle is so messed up now that even when I'm away with work overnight I still wake every 3 hrs..I long for full night sleep..

I find it very interesting that everyone has assumed OH is a him. Speaks volumes.

Actually I get very little practical support. It’s always ‘you don’t need to do that. I’ll do it later’ when later never comes. The need for down time and personal space and I’m unreasonable for not understanding this. Most things come back to me not understanding and they are probably right. I should be more understanding. I don’t really know the difference between asking and nagging. I thought I was asking but I’m told I’m always nagging and always use the wrong tone. My judgement is clouded by being so tired I think.

Anyhow. Thanks for all the advice. I think we’ll be moving rooms today. By we, me and the little monster :) fingers crossed I can persuade the terror to have an hour of quiet time with a dvd and I’ll crash out in a blanke fort.

Furano's got it perfectly "Yes DH. I am grumpy. I am fucking exhausted because you won't lift a finger to help. I am so upset at how little you care for me, that I am considering divorcing you. At least then I will get every other weekend off..."

Do you go out to work? If not then of course the nights are your duty. Does your oh expect you to do his work?? Leaving the child to cry and learn to settle might be a good thing!

Oh dear, another professional offended, people assume the oh is a he because it is still the most common.

I find it very interesting that everyone has assumed OH is a him. Speaks volumes.

Oh plot twist, well come on then spill, who is who?

Actually I’m not offended. I just found it interesting and was deliberately vague to not influence answers as I didn’t want it to be a man bashing thread

I think the problem OP is that most of us assume it’s a man because generally they are the one ones you hear about that don’t get up in the night (exceptions to the rule of course.)

Apologies for my heteronormative response OP (seriously, not even being sarky).

Your OH's gender doesn't change my stance tho, they should be giving you more sleep!

You need to get the kid into his or her own bed. I co-slept with mine till they were about 14 months, that was when I said no more, I can’t be being woken multiple times and then go to work.

I did controlled crying, within three days he was settled not in my bed but in his own cot in his own room.

You are right though 😉

Apparently it’s my fault for not sleeping deeply enough.

In my next life, I want to be a man.

Actually I don’t want a next life. This one has been enough for eternity.

I noticed that the original post was gender neutral.
Good luck OP in sorting this issue out. I've got a couple of things to add, firstly, let us state that life is never fair and it is always difficult to divvy up tasks fairly. However, whilst that is true, you should both be on the same page, thus - both of you should try to understand what the other person is doing and support them as much as possible. - It's about communication and respect for each other's workloads.
P.s. @Trinity - it could be two men or two women?

I find it very interesting that everyone has assumed OH is a him. Speaks volumes.

Is OH a woman then? Why all the cloak and dagger stuff when talking about them?

Actually I assumed that the OH was male because they are clearly a selfish twunt who thinks that the OP is the default parent and they “help out “ when it suits them and if they are asked in the correct tone of voice. And they are violent but ‘ don’t remember it”.

Which describes many men to a T and not many women.

But by being delibrately gender-neutral, you've made a thing of their gender

Man, woman, whatever - they're being selfish.

Ugh, deliberately*

I apologise for getting that wrong too. I’ll add it to the list of what I’ve done wrong before 11am.

Anyhow. This is de-railing further and further.

I’ll suck it up, it won’t be forever and one day I’ll have a full nights sleep 😋

Thank you all for the helpful comments.

I find it very interesting that everyone has assumed OH is a him. Speaks volumes.

charming. Looks like you've read the replies that assume OH is a man and ignored the gender neutral replies.

No one cares what sex your OH or your kid is btw.

The issue is your partner being a bit selfish and you not wanting to stop sleeping with your child.

You didn't do anything wrong OP and made a good point that most of us associate 'selfish parents' with men because that's what we have experienced. Sad but true.

Let us know how you get on with the move and how your OP reacts to your reasoning!

Erm, I wouldn't say the solution to this is you just sucking it up OP...

Your OH needs to step up and do their fair share of housework/night wakings etc. If they won’t? Well, you’ll get every other weekend off to sleep in.
My dh, when 2nd dc was born, packed me off to bed with earplugs and strict instructions to sleep the whole night as he could manage fine. We both work FT so we share the chores 50/50 - I haven’t cooked a weekday meal for about 4 years and he hasn’t done weekday washing up for the same amount of time - so if your OH claims to be too tired, this working Mum (who had a terrible sleeper of a dc when they were young) calls bullshit. When I was a SAHM we split the chores 80/20 perhaps, but I got weekends ‘off’ to catch up on sleep I’d missed in the week (he needs to be alert for work - dangerous otherwise) which helped immensely. As soon as I went back to work it was split right down be middle - absolutely I include mental load in this too - he can (and does) sort out birthday cards/play dates/
sleepovers/dental appointments just as easily as I can.
Don’t let him treat you like this OP, and don’t let your child grow up thinking this is acceptable treatment of women. Hope you can find the strength to somehow sort this, or leave. Not something I say lightly, but there ARE good men (and women!) out there who will take on their fair share of parenting/chores

Depends on who is working. I will expect DP to help me at the weekend when he doesn't have work the next day, but not when he does. Sleep elsewhere at the weekend or get dp to take DC out on sat/sun morning so you can lie in.

Generally speaking when "man-bashing" occurs on MN is because the men in question deserve it.