Feeding children things they don't like

[Theanimalsoffarthingwood]

I find my 10 year old very fussy when it comes to eating fruit and veg.

He will eat a couple of types of fruit, raw carrots, occasionally some cucumber and veg with a roast dinner and that's about it.

The type of foods I make fresh mid week are different kinds of pasta dishes, chilli, bolognese, lasagne, fajitas, different stir frys, pizzas topped with veg, casseroles, baked spuds with salad, fish chips and peas, curry. Things like that really.

He moans about any type of veg in these dishes and just picks at it or won't eat it.

We have a couple of nights where we have something like fish fingers mash and beans, or freezer food with beans, and he will eat that.

It's got to the point where I dread telling him what is for dinner because he moans and groans. I don't feel for example, that I can make a stir fry mid week because ds won't like it. So it ends up being a weekend treat for me and dh.

I feel that at 10 he should be more open to eating different things. Surely I shouldn't feel guilty for making a chilli, which is a fairly bog standard dish?

I'm sort of thinking maybe I should just give him whatever and if he doesn't eat it tough luck.

My son won't eat things mixed together so that's bolognese and casserole out the window. He doesn't really like minced beef full stop. But he eats couscous, all fish and will eat things on holiday on the all inclusive if I lie what they are......! Kids!

Smug mum alert!

User467. You do sound a bit smug. How do you know we haven't all tried your method - I have - but after 12 years I give in an admit defeat. Family mealtimes are just a war zone and I can't be bothered with it any longer. Wait until your child starts senior school and a lunch card and see how much healthy food they choose then........it means I have to ban chips and pizza at home in order to compensate and also ensure that what he eats is healthy and something he will eat. It's not about training them - it's nature not nurture in some cases. I still won't eat pineapple, underdone meat not parsley as an adult and wouldn't like to be forced to eat it. I say I'm vegetarian when we go to bbq as it's just easier than getting the jibes about underdone meat and how it's meant to be done like that. Steak makes me physically sick.......

Hope that wasn't aimed at me! I would love to be a smug mum whose child ate everything. I would love if he ate bolognese stew lasagne because I love those meals. I don't particularly want fish and couscous every night so generally have to pick meals we all eat with some tweaks. I look with envy at the kids that gorge on mussels etc. How lovely would it be to eat whatever we like without it being a war zone.

DS1 has always been a good eater. DS2 has never been particularly interested in food. So if I didn't "pander", he would just leave the stuff he didn't like.

Because I pander, he has a really healthy and balanced diet. He eats more fruit and veg than his older brother. It's a limited number of fruit and veg types, and virtually none of the veg is cooked, but I don't think that is important.

OP - if there are some vegetables that your DS will reliably eat, can you give him those vegetables with other meals too - regardless of whether you think they complement the meal?

My eldest was like this until he reached his mid-teens.

I did a mixture of like it or lump it whilst taking into account his dislikes. For example, he ate nothing but carrots and baby corn for years. However, I would purée a load of vegetables to put in bolognese, casseroles, etc so he was eating more than he knew! If I was doing meatballs I would cook both rice and cous cous so there was choice. I found it frustrating because it was so fucking boring cooking the same vegetables for him BUT he did like it and wasn't bored so I stuck it out.

I also started menu planning with the kids (and DH if he was around!) so they all had an input. It also meant they came to understand that other people's tastes had to be taken into account. Then we could see if it was possible to work around it or not. Some vegetables I'd deliberately keep 'big' so he could pick them out.

If he was still hungry he would be offered toast, cereal or some such.

The only thing I found was that it was much easier to introduce new foods at lunchtime knowing he'd still have a decent supper (evening meal in our house) later.

Lastly, once they're in Y13 they have to cook for the family once a week. This gave him the scope and opportunity to expand his own tastes and he's easy to cook for now. He still doesn't like mushrooms because of the texture but doesn't object to the flavour so, as before, I keep them big enough for him to pick out or tiny enough that he doesn't see them!

Posting this from a professional stand point before I get bashed with the “smug” stick and really did debate wether to post at all but this is a topic I feel very passionate about so will try duck those sticks. User467 speaks some good sense. The health implications of not getting an adequate variety of veg are pretty convincing (disease risk and healthy life span). Not only the health implcations - the 2017 Canadian health survey has just demonstrated a really worry correlation between lifestyle and academic outcomes. No one is deliberately not trying to give their kids a good diet but nationally we do need to have a conversation about why we fair so poorly compared to other countries (we are about 3rd from bottom across Europe). I deliver wellbeing workshops in schools and as part of those ask 2 questions “how many veg do you eat per day” and “how many hours sleep do you get”. I’d guess over 90% of responses fall well below recommended guidelines for veg primary and secondary and for sleep 60% primary and 95% secondary. Because I’m aware of the research, and frankly concerned by it, we are fairly robust about veg intake (and sleep hygiene) in our house. Half the plate is veg and the veg gets eaten before any of the carbs. Children and teens don’t have the ability to make rational decisions when faced with dopamine type rewards (processed and sugary foods), they are not neurologically developed enough so we parents need to reinforce the reasoning behind those choices. I’ve found kids to be really interested in how the body works and this might be a good in for discussions at home. Hopefully in our house our reinforcement of positive messaging about food won’t mean my kids go off the nutrition rails when they leave home, but who knows if it’s the right thing, I guess it’s all just an experiment for all of us.

DD13 is gluten free and very fussy.
She won't eat:
Most cooked vegetables, some fruit,
Butter, mayonnaise, cream cheese, cream,
Pies, quiche, casseroles/stews, lasagne, any curry, beans, gravy, ketchup, any fish and much more. She's not keen on chicken nuggets, chips or any potato product.
She will starve herself rather than eat the above and is low weight due to a fast metabolism, it makes me nervous.
Her problem is sensory and will gag.

She will eat however,
Plain grilled chicken, sausages, beef, lamb, ham, salami and pork.
Jacket/roast potato (not mash), plain rice/pasta, rice noodles and loves seeded bread.
Raw peppers, sugar snap peas, lettuce, cucumber, carrots, Grapes, orange, apple, pear, pineapple, occasionally some berries, most melon, corn on the cob. Only drinks water.
If we have quiche, I'll make her an egg sandwich. A stir fry would be rice noodles, plain chicken and raw veg. We've just got her eating pepperoni pizza 😂
The foods she consumes are generally too low calorie, so I do throw in chocolate spread, crisps etc to bulk up (and so eating is fun). The way she eats is inconvenient but has a variety of nutrients. Since I'm already making a gluten free meal for her maybe it doesn't seem like such an extra chore but I wouldn't force her to eat something she doesn't like nor would I leave her hungry.
I hate the idea of being made to pick at meals I think some stress free eating is just as, if not more important for children than it is for us.

I agree that at 10 it should take up less of your headspace. I like all the things he likes. So do my kids. But I just don't buy them and we have to eat different things when we are hungry. I think taking the pressure off works but you need to be patient and not accept the mental load of what is really his problem.

My DS did BLW only normal adult food and he would eat everything. For no discernible reason he started getting fussier and fussier. At 3yo he was down to 25 foods and some was very specific, e.g only star pasta. He ate a large variety of foods and would refuse many 'child friendly' foods like burgers and chips.

Luckily someone pointed us to mealtime hostage in FB. We've been doing division of responsibility and buffet meals for 3 months and he has added 7 new items. It's been a life saver for us. Nothing else had worked, he went three days without eating anything and overall he was beginning to lose weight. I don't think people really understand what dealing with a truly fussy eater is like.

From what you describe I think your DS would really benefit from DoR and deconstructed meals. I offer everything in its constitutive components and everyone and add whatever they want. The other day I asked DS now 3,5yo what he wanted for lunch and he said 'I want choice!' Which says it all really.

My DS (also 10) sounds similar. I do occasionally fall back on chicken dippers when it's something I know he absolutely won't eat. Otherwise I'll give him a deconstructed version of our own dinner with an extra serving of fruit and veg that I know he will eat. For example, DH and I had chicken stir fry over noodles. I gave him plain noodles, plain chicken and an apple. Shrug

Anyone wondered if maybe they're just bad cooks or their recipes aren't that great?

My sister was like that. Turned out she just didn't like my Mum's cooking. Would eat EVERYTHING at friend's houses.

Apologies if you’ve tried this already. I would discuss with him the difference between dislike and detest. At 10 I would expect a certain amount of “suck it up buttercup” for food he dislikes but wouldn't make him eat things he detested.

I'm not smug, not sure why you think I am, I have a fussy eater and have had many nightmare dinner times and so was discussing the ways I deal with it. Not sure how that makes me smug. Never suggested others hadn't tried my method of that it would work for everyone. I was simply giving an example. I think you just didn't like what I said.

I work in nutrition and deal with fussy eaters and their families every day and have seen the whole spectrum and the consequences of poor diets so yes, I do have strong opinions. The rest of my post was based on my professional experience not my "smug mum" opinion.

My 9 year old will eat pretty much whatever you put in front of him but my 13 year old is so fussy it drives me mad. But then I was exactly the same as a child (still am to an extent). So I know how my parents felt now but at the same time they wouldn’t let me leave the table until I ate so I’d be sat there for an hour while it went cold and they were cleaning up around me. I vowed I’d never do that to my DD. The only thing that infuriated me about it is when she tries to raid the cupboard for snacks 10 mins after wasting her dinner.

ARFID. Or Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. People need to get clued up about it. ESPECIALLY the professionals and experts.

Why do people always say no child will starve? Kids with anorexia do exactly that. Kids with autism are frequently known to do exactly that. Kids with selective eating disorder/arfid do exactly that. Surely people aren't that naive?

Ad an adult fussy eater I totally sympathise with any children who can be fussy. At school the dinner ladies stood over us and made us eat things. At home we had to stay at the table until we had finished (although as we got older we sneaked food into the bin when no one was looking). Non of this made me a better eater. I think I lived on dairylea sandwiches for a while. Mince and dumplings and a Sunday roast were great but no way would I touch pasta or rice dishes back then. And my veg consumption was potatoes and maybe carrots. I am still fussy now but as I did eventually grow into some food but much later as an older teen. Had my first Chinese when I was at university. Started eating pasta dishes around then too. Never eaten curry and still can’t manage anything spicy (including black pepper). Still can’t do fish or sea food other than battered cod!!

My own children are fussy. My eldest was very picky until around y1 at school when the free meals for ks1 started. She gradually started exploring more foods and came home telling me things she had eaten which she’d previously refused. Choice and peer pressure seem to have played a part. She eats most things now she 8 and anything she doesn’t like is fine not to eat. My youngest is in y1 and is still very very fussy. She manages her free dinners and never starved. She eats fruit like it’s goinf out of fashion some days but won’t touch veg. I have started putting 1 note size of each veg on her plate to try each time we have a cooked meal with veg and I let her choose on other days. I’m confident she will change her preferences soon.

I remember reading about children and food. They are born with a sweet tooth and a tendency to prefer sweeter tasting foods so often like fruit purrees and things like carrot and sweet potatoes when weaned. We grow into our taste buds and they can change as we develop. Veg can taste really bitter to very young children but they can grow to like it. Even as an adult there are things I’ve started eating or stopped eating. Keep offering but not forcing.

Why do people always say no child will starve? Kids with anorexia do exactly that. Kids with autism are frequently known to do exactly that. Kids with selective eating disorder/arfid do exactly that. Surely people aren't that naive?

Quite.

And I don't understand those that say that they offer one meal, the child either eats it or doesn't and there is no other option. You know what your child really dislikes?

Would you eat a meal that you really didn't like?

I think there are two things going on here:

a) a smaller number of children who have very strong food aversions- these are the children who will literally starve rather than eat the wrong food

b) a much larger number of children who, as User says, have got addicted to high-fat, high-salt, high-sugar diets

The latter is clearly more of a problem in the US and UK than in some other parts of the world. The school menus from my nephews' schools in Sweden look delicious, but consensus among my British friends seems to be that "you could never get our kids to eat that kind of stuff", not because it's exotic, but because it isn't the junk food they are used to. Yet everybody at these schools do seem to eat it, as there isn't a lunchbox option.

To me, having a real food aversion is like having a disability: it absolutely needs understanding and adjustment.
But we do our children a disservice if we assume that they all have food aversion, just as we'd be doing them a disservice if we put them all into wheelchairs because they complained their legs got too tired to walk.

It's about knowing your own child. Mine were fussy, but they did not have food aversion. They grew out of their fussiness.

I would never force any child to eat something if they don't want to. But there is plenty of middle ground between force feeding and running a restaurant. What worked well for us was serving a varied diet, letting them dish up their own portions and not looking too closely at their plates. With a properly balanced meal- meat, spuds, veg, salad, sauce, there will probably be something they can eat, and if your menu is varied, then chances are that next time there will be something else. And just not stressing about mealtimes.

I was incredibly fussy as a kid, I found it really upsetting if anyone tried to force me to eat anything I didn't like. I hated all veg except potatoes but loved raw stuff like peas and carrots, I only liked chicken no other meat and egg whites only. My parents were pretty relaxed, gave us all the same food (sometimes mine was slightly adapted to fit in with my fussiness) but generally never made a big deal of it or tried to force/persuade me to eat anything. I loved baking so they helped move that into loving cooking too and discovered I loved home made veg soup (just no veg in any other form, bizarrely!). Now I'll eat absolutely anything and pack loads of veg into all my dishes. I think the more relaxed you are the less he'll see it as a big deal. As pp have said, just don't offer any treats etc and discourage whinging/moaning!

corythatwas do you actually have any statistics on that or are you making up divisions and prevalence? There is a strong cultural bias towards labeling fussy children as spoilt and parents who feed them as indulging and failures.

There are a number of factors that may make a child fussy, from physical problems with chewing or swallowing, gastrointestinal problems, sensory issues, anxiety, previous scary experiences with food, etc. And 'growing out of it' is not an indication that it wasn't a serious issue in the first place.

Catering is expressedly discouraged in DoR so no one turns a restaurant.

My 19 year old was like that as a child.I never forced him to eat anything.He always loved meat and potatoes but nothing green not even green sweets.I cook a lot and made sure that all varieties of food were always on the table.His brother always ate everything put in front of him.I do remember being often frustrated with him though .Fast forward to the teenage years and him wanting to look good and be fit.He now is a great chef , cooks a lot of his own meals and there are always piles of vegetables and salads on his plate .He is 6ft 2 and strong , lean and healthy.He eats almost everything.

My ds doesn't have any issues.

All the people who are saying you shouldn't feed children anything they don't like, aren't offering any realistic solutions.

For example last night I made a curry, there was plenty of chicken in it, rice and naan bread too and no lumps of veg in the sauce. Ds picked out the chicken and ate that, ate his rice and naan, and was then trying to steal his little brothers naan bread who was still eating his dinner. But he still had loads of rice left himself, but because it had sauce on it he wouldn't eat it.

To me, he'd eaten, but why should he be allowed to eat everyone else's bread because he wouldn't finish his own dinner?

I think there are different types of fussiness.

My ds genuinely dislikes some food so I dont give those things to him.

However, there is also fussiness which is totally nonsensical. For example, he likes chicken, he likes bread, he's fine with butter..but if I put those three things together in a sandwich, he won't eat it . Or he'll eat cucumber if I cut it into batons but not into round slices. I have far less tolerance for this type of fussiness.

Theanimals how did you serve your curry?

When I was a child I hated things mixed or touching? So if the curry was served dolloped on the rice, I would have felt the rice was contanimated.

He might have had the rice if the curry and rice were side by side.

This might well be his issue with all the 'sauce' foods - I was famous for only eating dry foods until my 30s. Only really changed when I started cooking for myself.

If I go out for a curry I can serve myself and put the rice in a corner and the curry in another and make sure things only mix in a way I have control of. For some mad reason, that's important to me.