Feeding children things they don't like

[Theanimalsoffarthingwood]

I find my 10 year old very fussy when it comes to eating fruit and veg.

He will eat a couple of types of fruit, raw carrots, occasionally some cucumber and veg with a roast dinner and that's about it.

The type of foods I make fresh mid week are different kinds of pasta dishes, chilli, bolognese, lasagne, fajitas, different stir frys, pizzas topped with veg, casseroles, baked spuds with salad, fish chips and peas, curry. Things like that really.

He moans about any type of veg in these dishes and just picks at it or won't eat it.

We have a couple of nights where we have something like fish fingers mash and beans, or freezer food with beans, and he will eat that.

It's got to the point where I dread telling him what is for dinner because he moans and groans. I don't feel for example, that I can make a stir fry mid week because ds won't like it. So it ends up being a weekend treat for me and dh.

I feel that at 10 he should be more open to eating different things. Surely I shouldn't feel guilty for making a chilli, which is a fairly bog standard dish?

I'm sort of thinking maybe I should just give him whatever and if he doesn't eat it tough luck.

Children will not starve themselves.

Some will - or at least to the point of malnourishment.

Having had a true food refuser from earliest childhood (phobia of solid food developed after an extremely nasty and extended bout of croup), I can tell you of the absolute bloody joy when your child agrees to try his first bloody chip. A chip, fgs.

He is 6 now. He’s not great, but he’s not severely restricted any more. It has been a terribly hard slog but we are getting there.

But. The real shift has come since around age 5 when his powers of reasoning/consequences really shifted. We have several rules now:

• I won’t ask him to try a new food more than once a week
• He has to try three decent bites of a new food before he declares he hates it it.
• He will not declare he doesn’t like a new food before he has tried it.
• If he upholds his side of the bargain, I will not serve up a food he has said he hates again for six months, and then we’ll see if his tastes have changed.
• Where he has previously said he likes a food, or we are eating a dish we have regularly (basically his ‘accepted’ foods), he knows I’m not interested in whether he likes it or not, I’m interested in whether he eats it.

It’s exhausting sometimes, but it’s working, slowly.

OP, the one thing that struck me in your posts was your DS saying ‘he just doesn’t like it’. I’ve had to draw a red line on this for my DS1 (not just on food) - he is old enough to think critically and express what he doesn’t like about things. If he won’t do that, I won’t accept ‘I just don’t like it’. Often ‘I don’t like it’ is masking something else.

This is the thing, he hasn't or any underlying problems. He'll stuff his face on cheese, any type of bread, most meats, sausages, chips, mash, beans, pepperoni pizza, fish fingers, plain pasta, he'd eat crisps and sweet stuff galore. He just won't eat veg and he's getting worse.

He will usually eat veg if served with a roast dinner, so carrots, parsnips, broccoli, kale, so that's my saving grace. But just say we go for tea at someone else's house, he refuses the veg, it's not because he doesn't like it, it's because he's picky and he knows he will get away with it.

This isn't about a poor boy with food issues, he's playing up.

I only have a toddler so not at this stage yet and can't say for sure how I'll react when I am, but I agree with you in principle OP. A like it or lump it approach was what we had growing up and I expect that's what I'll (aspire) to do as well. Obviously there are different ways to do it. My mum would say "ok, just eat what you can and leave the rest". My dad would say "eat every mouthful or you'll get smacked and sent to bed" even if the food was physically making us sick. My dad is a humongous twat and as an adult the only things I won't eat are the things he force fed us while we gagged. With my mother's approach I slowly learned to like the things I'd originally disliked (like rice). It sounds like you are taking my mothers approach, and anyone calling that abuse is off their nut. And I agree that we sometimes just need to eat stuff we don't love because it's good for us. But then again I say that as someone who has never been a fussy eater so I can't really put myself in the mindset very easily. I find threads like this very interesting though as we are a vegetarian family (though our children can eat meat if they want) so vegetables are the central ingredient of most meals. There no way they could just be hidden in sauces or served separately unless we stopped eating most of our regular dishes. So I m dreading a future in which the children refuse vegetables because there isn't really a "pick them out and eat the rest" option. The vegetables just are the meal!

I don't really understand this mindset.
I wouldn't cook something for an adult that I know they don't like, so I wouldn't do it to a child.

I do! My DH would live exclusively of steaks and potatoes, 2 or even 3 times a day - maybe bacon sandwich for breakfast. It's not going to happen, I don't want him to die in Middle Age, so it's healthy food for the whole family.

I don't expect a child to like everything, and I am sympathetic about not liking a certain food. Refusing everything is a different matter. What happens if a child only accepts to eat McDonalds? We have far too much junk food available in this country, you realise when traveling a bit that fussiness doesn't exist everywhere. Kids should eat what they are given. Yes, it's dictatorial, but I am afraid I am a dictator in this house: they didn't get a choice of being vaccinated, they didn't get a choice about going to school, they don't have a choice about the time they go to bed and have to get up, they don't get the choice of brushing their teeth or not. It's called being a parent, you do what is best for them, like it or not.

ds is 15, he has been through phases of eating/not eatign things.
I have accommodated some, and not others, so in general the food goes on the table and he has to find something from the table that he likes.

I have split up some dishes, so stir fry is now stirfry chicken, which I then stick in one bowl, and then stir fry veg, which I stick in another bowl, and serve. ds will eat lots of the chicken and pick at the veg.

He won't eat couscous, and isn't keen on rice, or new potatoes, or wedgies. I still serve most of them, he just has a bit becuase he is hungry. Although I don't now expect him ot eat couscous.

dd doesn't like stir fry veg, so I give her the chicken and some raw carrot.

I sort or allow a little bit of fussiness which I will accommodate, and then the eat what is on the table

'So here's the thing, son, I understand that you aren't keen on vegetables. I get it. I really do. They really aren't your favourite thing. You need to eat some fruit and vegetables to make your body work properly. I'm your Mum and it's my job to make sure I'm giving you healthy food, so....lets make a list of all the fruit and veg you like, all the ones you really can't stand, and all the ones you aren't keen on. I'll make a deal with you that although I am going to make sure you eat 5 a day at least on average, I will always make sure that at each meal at least one of the fruit or veg is one you like, and you can try one other thing, either new or from your 'not keen list'. I will not regularly give you things from the 'hate' list but it may happen very occasionally. You are older now and know what you like, but you are also old enough to understand that food is fuel and there's some stuff you just need even if you don't love it. OK: here's my pen, lets do these lists'.
Let him have some control and he'll come round, if it's a new preteen thing.

I also insist on putting a little bit on the plate and then don't comment if it is eaten or not. Over time more is eaten.

with dd2, who would by choice not eat any veg, I simply say - no veg = no pudding. She is a pudding fiend, so always eats it to get the pudding, even if only a yoghurt.

I don’t accommodate fussiness. I rotate dishes I know they like, but once a couple of weeks or so I make a point in cooking something me and dh like - but they don’t. I see it as an opportunity for them to learn to expand their palate.
They don’t have to eat anything they don’t like. They don’t even have to taste it. But I expect them to be polite and thank me for the meal. No moaning allowed - they can say “no, thank you” instead.
If they’re hungry, they’ll eat. If not, there will be another meal coming along. They have learned to like many dishes this way. Lamb, liver, pierogies, refried beans, grapefruit, hot peppers, zucchini, avocado toast... they slowly warmed up to them.

I'm very much of the two choices - take it or leave it camp.

I would never force a child to eat something, but if they choose not to eat the food on offer, then the consequence is that they might be hungry. No alternatives or later snacks are offered. We've always stuck to this consistently since weaning, and food has never been a battle.

As a consequence, my children happily eat everything but liver and mussels (plus DS is not keen on, but will eat fish and prawns). Since they clearly understand the difference between actually not liking and something not being their favourite, I accept their choices, and wouldn't actually serve mussels or liver to them. I do serve fish & prawns though, and DS generally picks prawns out or has just a small portion of say fish pie, with extra veg and mash.

The big issue I find with fussy children is their rudeness! Fine to choose not to eat something, not fine to make a big song and dance about it and demand alternatives. Beyond 5 or 6 years old, they should be able to politely eat what they want, leave the rest, with no whinging and no endless commentary. That's what they would need to do if eating food that someone else had prepared for them as adults, so that's what we should be teaching them to do as children.

At 10 your DS really needs to accept that he needs to eat a balanced diet to be healthy, plus he needs to learn some manners around mealtimes! Eat what you want, leave what you don't but don't fuss,whinge or whine about it. You've been nice enough to provide him with healthy food - he should appreciate that - even if it's not his favourite dinner.

Ive tried everything and admit defeat. If we are having lamb chops roast potatoes and veg he will have chicken strips roast potatoes and veg for example. I can't be bothered anymore. I was the same and now I eat loads. Life is stressful enough as it is. The eat or nothing option doesn't work always.

I wouldn't force a child to eat something they don't like. I was a very fussy child and spent many evenings with my parents not letting me leave the table until bedtime because I hadn't finished my dinner. It didn't help me to eat a wider diet it just caused stress. As an adult I eat almost everything I rejected as a child.

I also find that parents with non-fussy children can be quite smug about their superior parenting when in actual fact they've just been lucky

ilike my kids are unfussy but I don’t think it’s my parenting, I think it’s that they are being brought up in Korea.

I’ve actually never met an adult fussy eater in Korea. Literally everyone eats every (Korean) food - they might not eat some foreign stuff cos they’re not exposed to it.

But at dinner time, everyone eats everything. People might have preferences, but 99% of people will just eat what they’re given with no fuss, kids included.

When I hang out with non-Korean friends, it takes ten times longer to decide what to eat because people are so fussy.

So there must be some difference in how kids are brought up that makes a difference.

People being fussy adults is a different matter though. It's quite unusual.for a large group.of adults to take forever to choose a meal surely?

ilike yes, but as I said, the children here are rarely fussy either. There is a distinct difference between the number of fussy western kids I know (millions) and the number of fussy Korean kids (few).

The Korean kids may not like every foreign food but the western kids don’t like anything - not Korean, not western. The Korean kids will eat every Korean food they’re given without question.

You know an awful lot of western kids!

I've also lived in Asia, not Korea though, and I haven't noticed the same pattern. Perhaps it's a specific Korean thing.

My DH absolutely point blank refuses to eat any vegetables and frankly I know why! His parents are only capable of boiling vegetables to death. I actually cannot bring myself to eat their cooking.

I'm not saying your cooking is crap, but perhaps get him involved in cooking a bit more and mix things up. Try roasting, frying steaming or just serving things up raw if you usually cook them. I prefer my veggies crispy, crunchy and mostly raw.

I tend to make meals without any Veg mixed in and serve it on the side after having to accommodate DH for ages. It seems to work for our kids OK.

I really wouldn't force your kids to eat stuff they don't like. MIL did that with DH and it achieved absolutely nothing.

ilike perhaps. Of all the kids I have met, the British and Americans are far and away the pickiest.

My kids go to an American school with a very mixed intake and it is always the British and Americans that are whining about not liking stuff. The others generally just eat it.

It's interesting that you don't think it's your parenting but just that they live in Korea and yet it doesn't seem to apply to the other western kids in Korea. What do.you think it Is?

Well when you take the same approach with all your children but only one is a ‘fussy’ eater then how would you explain that? If 2 out of 3 kids eat their veg without complaint then surely there’s more to it than just shit cooking or parenting.

Just thinking of my nieces/nephews who are from a country where there’s a reputation for excellent table manners and kids eating everything (it’s not Korea though!) and whilst 2 eat really well, the eldest is very picky and hates veg, cheese, any meat that’s slightly chewy etc.

I have an extremely fussy eater. Also verbal very early, and told me aged 19mths which foods she would no longer be consuming, and never did. Any attempt to incorporate the refused food into a family meal would result in her not eating at all, sometimes for a couple of days. She would get so thin I ended up just giving her things I knew she would eat (many of which she later also declined, so the whole cycle of finding things she would eat would begin again). The health visitor was at a loss as to how to help It became a "her or me" thing, as I knew that I was finding it hard to cope with the way she was. I never forced her to eat things she didn't like, she was reluctant to try many new foods. Eating out, especially on holiday, was a nightmare. She is now living away from home and vegan. Having been hostage to her at mealtimes for so many years it is a relief to not have to cater for her on a daily basis. Some kids are just the way they are; you are not responsible. Just try and manage the best you can and hope he grows out of it - don't count on it, though. It just won't always be your responsibility.

I don't think it's anything remotely to do with my cooking. He won't eat veg anyone else cooks either or even things like salad bars at restaurants.

Besides while I'm not going to make out I'm a chef, I definitely don't boil anything to death, in fact I don't really boil any veg at all.

I've already said I make things like stir fry, fajitas, which are lightly fried. I make things like different pasta dishes, I do side salads which is just loads of chopped salad. I put things like peppers, onions, mushrooms, pineapple, tomatoes (not all together) on a pizza and he won't eat. I roast veg and steam things.

I've tried getting him involved in the cooking, he's been to cookery lessons and made his own salads etc and he still wouldn't eat it.

Funnily enough he will eat my homemade cake, my homemade chips, my homemade fish fingers, my barbecue chicken, homemade burgers etc so I doubt it's cos my cooking is so shit.

Don't push it, don't try to persuade him and don't give any alternatives, at tea time or later. You decide what time the meal is served, he decides whether he eats it. Ha still sits at the table at mealtimes. If he doesn't like it, his choice, no drama no tantrums, keep it chilled, he won't starve

OP DS2 wa slike this. But he has ASD so it was definitely a sensory issue for him. I pureed veg into anything I could lay my hands on: red onions, carrots, a small amount of celery and mushrooms, red peppers and courgettes can all be blended into passata for meatball sauce or topping for home made pizza.

I used to blend spinach and fennel and red onion into minced pork and make 'burgers' out of it. If you smother the burger in ketchup and hide it in a bun, they don't even notice the spinach or taste the fennel. I've fed that one to scores of kids and none rejected it so it must be pretty bland.

You can puree white mushrooms and leeks into a creamy sauce for chicken pie or risotto.

It's not a coincidence that the foods the fussy eaters will eat tend to be higher fat, higher salt processed foods and sweet foods. They are made to taste appealing and to a child of course are more appealing than vegetables. You don't hear many parents worrying that all their kids will eat is veg. The number of kids I've seen with worryingly unbalanced diets because they "will only eat chips, chicken dippers, ketchup etc". It's all they will eat if you continue to only give them that! Palates adapt over time . If your child spends years limiting their intake further and further until all they eat are high salt/processed foods then of course other foods are going to taste bland and they're not going to want to eat them. It's going to take effort and perseverance to alter that.

I weaned both my kids the same. My first is a great eater, my second reached two and decided she only like spag Bol, curry, pizza and fruit (she's a weird fussy eater). Now this was not about actual likes . This was about control and her struggling with different textures. We were at a point with hysterics at dinner time, bowls thrown across the room and being virtually unable to take her out for a meal. The easier thing would have been to cook her what she wanted. But I'm 100% sure that had I done that I would now be sitting with a four year old who ate even less. We don't do games or force feeding. Dinner is made, she has 30 minutes and is expected to finish a certain amount depending what the meal is. She is expected to try a bit of everything on her plate. She has a marble jar that she gets marbles in/out depending how well she done. Once times up it is up. No protracted game playing. No bribing. One meal, no alternative and no pudding of she doesn't eat. She's still not a brilliant eater but is definitely getting better.

It's not about parents being smug when their children eat well or about luck. Yes all kids are different, but it is naive to think the choices you make about how you address eating issues right from an early age don't affect how their eating habits develop as they get older. It's my responsibility to try and provide as balanced and healthy a diet I can even if that means over ruling the kids on what they think that should be. You're doing your kids no favours by cooking only the "liked" foods, particularly if these are of poor nutritional quality.